Weddingbee boards

So, here's the deal. My FI and I are both fresh out of college (he is, I will be right about the time of our wedding next year.)  My parents generously are paying for the wedding. I knew from the beginning that this would be a budget wedding...and I have no problem with that. My frustration is that my mom gave me a figure of $5000 today.  If my FI and I had steady 9-5 jobs right now, it would be easier for us to contribute, but at this point in our lives, we can't afford to contribute much.  Of course, I am thankful for what my parents are willing to contribute...but I have no idea how to have a wedding for $5000.  In our area, even the local park is $1500 to rent for a wedding.  We live in a small town so there are not many places to consider.  

 I just don't know how to talk to my parents about this. They are very frugal people, but I think part of it is that my sister got married over 10 years ago, and they don't understand that things cost more now than they did then.   

Can I ask a few questions?  Do you think that is the same budget they gave your sister so they're just trying to match it?  Or do you think that is the budget they've come up with based on their comfort?  If the latter I don't really think it makes sense to ask them to reconsider...and I think you can host a lovely event with that budget.  It will just require some creativity and a willingness to forego some of the wedding luxury items.  But you live in a beautiful area so you have a natural and gorgeous backdrop to take advantage of.  If you think that they came up with this figure  b/c that's what they spent for your sister, maybe you could try to figure out how much having a similar wedding to your sister's would cost today.  I would expect that it hasn't actually changed radically (or at least that's what I'm seeing in comparing costs of my sister's wedding from 9 years ago to mine as a way of coming up with reasonable budgets for things)...but if it has maybe that's a basis for a discussion.  No matter what I think it's tricky to discuss these issues with your parents, but I personally don't think it's completely out of line in certain circumstances.  But I think it's important to recognize that a wedding is a substantial financial outlay for anyone, and I don't think it's fair to insist anyone spend beyond their comfort level.  I also think that any conversation should only happen after you've looked into what things actually cost, and put together a more thorough plan of what you want.  You might be surprised at how much you can do, and if it's still tight I think it would be a lot easier if you can say what the extra money would buy.

I should also mention that we both have huge families, so that makes it difficult.  Currently, I know we are probably forgetting people, but family alone is over 100 people (only including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins).  We've already cut the guest list considerably, but aren't allowed to cut family.  My other frustration is that my dad is on one side, saying everything costs too much, while my mom is worried that people will be offended if we don't provide a full sit-down meal "since that is what out of town guests expect".  

@fizicsGirl -- To answer a few of your questions....it's not like they don't have money.  In fact they are in a very different circumstances than they were when my sister got married. Furthermore, I am not looking to have an elaborate wedding.  In fact, I have suggested just doing h d'oeuvres & cake for the reception, but my mom keeps bringing up the "expectations of guests" card.  We are not having alcohol or dancing so we will save there.  

For my sister's wedding the only way they were able to get away with spending practically nothing is by doing all the food themselves, but they say they regret that because a lot of family spent much of the reception in the kitchen instead of enjoying themselves. So it's like they want to spend what they spent on my sister, but not do all of the cost cutting they did for hers.  

@Miss Chocolate Chip --  That is a good idea of including them as much as possible.  I will try that.  Unfortunately, a DW is not a possibility.  Most of our bridal party would not be able to afford it, and I'm almost positive my parents wouldn't even consider it.   

I see...yes, it sounds like that cognitive dissonance that can happen when confronted with a large sum of money.  I think the fact that your mom is pushing for an even more elaborate affair than you are suggesting means that things will work out in the end.  I mean, it really sounds like they are dictating the guest list and the food (two major contributors to cost) so it's not really like you are the one making them go over budget.  Sounds to me also like it's your father who's having a hard to reconciling the cost.  I don't know how your family dynamics work, but in my family it's best to let my mom handle it.  Assuming that something similar works in your family, I'd just let it play out.  My dad has a really hard time parting with money, but an even harder time seeing my mom really upset.  And I think my mom is not unreasonable or extravagant, so they'll often negotiate between themselves about costs and usually my Mom finds a way to get what she wants.  This is totally not how we want our marriage to work, but since my parents are largely footing the bill for the wedding (we're paying for the things we absolutely want) I'm okay with letting them continue with the little dance they've been doing for the last 37 years.

As long as you keep your mom involved with the planning process she'll know that the budget is not realistic for what she really wants, and I deifnitely think that concrete numbers are always the best way to talk about budget issues. 

Thank you guys for your help.  I sat down with my mom last night and talked about actual figures.  We talked about venue, photography, and food costs and I think she realized that with just those 3 things we were already over $5000.   She has finally given up on a seated dinner (yay!) and now it looks as though we may just take it one step at a time, and see how much each thing costs, rather than having an overall budget.  

@HoffmanE -- Actually I know, that they are doing just fine.  I would not be frustrated with a $5000 budget if they couldn't afford it. The fact of the matter is, that my parents love to spend money on themselves, but not so much for other things that aren't for THEIR enjoyment.