The Buzz: Chores – Who does them? How do you decide to split up the work?

posted 3 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

When we first moved in together two years ago, I had already been living on my own for a number of years, but he had never lived away from his parents’ house for any length of time (we are both in our mid-twenties). That was the biggest adjustment! He was used to doing very little around the house, but we are both busy people so I was definitely not willing to take on all of the housework myself.

To solve this problem, we created a chore chart (I’m big into charts, for everything!). Each day of the week has an area of the house assigned to it… For example, Monday is kitchen day, because Tuesday is garbage day so it is a good time to clean out the fridge. Thursday is hallways and floors. Sunday is laundry day, and so on.

As far as daily “picking up”, we both do that together; the kitchen is always clean when we go to bed, and we try not to leave stuff lying around. I’ll admit, when things get really busy, these are the areas that we tend to slack off in… Our house isn’t dirty, but it can get pretty messy if we don’t stay on top of it.

In the end we manage to keep our house pretty clean most of the time with very little arguing and nagging… I’ve found that it definitely helps to have a plan.

Post # 4
doilyMember
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

What compromises have you had to make with regard to household chores since you first got married/moved in together?

We were in college when we first started dating, so it wasn’t until 2 years in when we were faced with what it was like to have to do chores until then! It definitely took us awhile to get into a rhythmn where we found out each other’s strengths and how to get things done the most efficiently.

Is dividing chores up evenly important to you? If so, how do you ensure that both partners are pulling their weight?

We are pretty good naturally at dividing up chores pretty evenly. I’m pretty sure that Mr. D does some more chores than I do, but I always do the chores he hates the most, so I think he’s okay with how we divide things if he doesn’t have to do them!

Have you ever felt like you were doing more than the lion’s share of household chores? If so, did you address this with your SO? How did you bring it up, and how did the conversation go?

If anything, my SO does more than me! I’m the sloppier one of the two of us, so I know he gets frustrated sometimes. He’s really good about gently reminding me that two of us to keep our home clean and running and that for us to both be happy we both need to keep up our share. He’s a great guy 🙂

Post # 5
mouseAdmin
7064 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

We’ve both made compromises when it comes to chores. The Dude is a bit of a packrat, and I’m a clutter-phobe. I’ve had to let go of the little piles of paper that accumulate, and he’s been good about keeping them to a minimum. Likewise, I’ve relaxed on certain aspects of housekeeping. The bathroom isn’t sparkling and the living room isn’t dusted? Oh well, life goes on. The Dude has gotten better about helping out when needed without me having to tell him to.

Dividing up chores evenly isn’t that important for us. I actually find it exhausting and frustrating to try and keep score in that way. What’s more important for us, especially now that we have a little one, is that we both feel supported and taken care of. I’ve forgotten where I first heard that philosophy, but it has done wonders for my peace of mind and overall happiness. The Dude may not know how to clean a toilet but he always makes me feel taken care of. It’s also better for both of us to divide things more along the lines of what we’re good at and don’t mind doing. I don’t mind doing all the laundry; he doesn’t mind mowing the lawn. It probably mostly evens out, but I’m not keeping a tally.

 

Post # 6
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

What compromises have you had to make with regard to household chores since you first got married/moved in together?

– Striking a balance on cleanliness levels. We’re lucky in that we started out with pretty similar levels of grime tolerance, but I think most people who move in together have to take a little time to feel out each others’ preferences on that.

– I had to be more consistent about putting things away in their proper places, or at least keeping them off the floor. My SO is vision impaired, so I needed to rein in some of my slovenly ways to make sure that he can easily find everything and not trip over anything.

Is dividing chores up evenly important to you? If so, how do you ensure that both partners are pulling their weight?

I wish I could say it’s important to me, but given that I’m the chore slacker in our household, I can’t really claim that! However, I think we both think we’re getting a break by having to do less than 100% of the chores (vs. what we each had to do before moving in together)… so that may set kind of a low bar for pulling our respective weights. Some might argue that I pull my weight by being the “breadwinner”, but I think it’s super crass to drag that into a chores discussion.

Have you ever felt like you were doing more than the lion’s share of household chores? If so, did you address this with your SO? How did you bring it up, and how did the conversation go?

No, although the reverse of that was a possibility. When we moved in together, I had a long commute, so without even discussing it, my lovely SO stepped up to the plate on chores. I wouldn’t have minded if he had wanted to pay a cleaning company every couple of weeks, but he didn’t. Now that I work from home, hopefully I can help out more.

Post # 7
Hostess
30313 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

We had a bit of an “adjustment period” after we moved into our first home together, where we had to map out what we will each do as chores in our house.  To this day, we are still making compromises – for example, while we don’t necessarily *divide* up our chores, we will often say things like “If you do _____ I’ll do _____!”  Usually works pretty well.

Dividing chores up evenly is important to us, but one of our common “first year of marriage” spats was the fact that he would often say that I should do more chores because I don’t work as many hours in a day as him.  At first, I was so offended by these comments that our spats often ended in tears.  We have since come to a better understanding, and I’m happy to do things when I’m at home.  When he’s at home, he pulls his weight very well, and will do the chores that he knows I don’t like to do as much (doing the dishes, scooping the cat litter, etc.)  Year #2 of marriage has gone much more smoothly after we discovered our rhythm! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We don’t really have a ‘plan’ for household work. If something needs doing, one of us will just do it. It doesn’t matter who. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We were both in our mid thirties and owned our own homes when we met. DH HATES cleaning, so he had a cleaning service that came in every two weeks. When he asked me to move in, I made sure the cleaning service was staying! 

So the only real chores are laundry and dishes. We each do our own laundry – but will always ask the other if there’s anything they want/need to throw in. DH hates washing dishes but I don’t mind it, so I wash and he dries. 

Post # 10
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do the majority of all household chores: cleaning, dishes, laundry, taking care of puppy, etc. I work full time but completely from home so I’m around a lot more. FI works a very demanding high stress job for the state, so I would rather he not have to worry about a dirty bathroom or kitchen when he is home. I’m also more traditional when it comes to our marital roles, and enjoy being the homemaker. As long as he helps out once in awhile to give me a break and appreciates what I do, I am happy with our arrangement. 

Post # 11
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

FH is home more than I am, so he does just about everything. I pick up clothes and stuff, and tidy the kitchen, but 95% of the time, FH does it. I’m so lucky.

What compromises have you had to make with regard to household chores since you first got married/moved in together?
He was already living out of home when we met, so it took a lot of getting used to for me, as I was living at home. I’ve had to do my fair share around the place, and he’s actually cut back a little bit so I can learn how to actually keep house, haha. He’s been very patient with me, and I’m so thankful for that.

Is dividing chores up evenly important to you? If so, how do you ensure that both partners are pulling their weight?
If something needs to be done, we’ll do it. It’s not fair to say we’re both 50/50, cos he’s definitely pulling more weight being home a lot. However, if he goes out, I’ll make sure I do at least something, so he doesn’t feel like I do nothing while I’m home without him. We don’t divide chores evenly cos some chores are bigger than others, and FH does a huge portion of the bigger tasks (vacuum, mopping, etc.)

Have you ever felt like you were doing more than the lion’s share of household chores? If so, did you address this with your SO? How did you bring it up, and how did the conversation go?
No, FH and I are mostly on the same page. If anyone isn’t doing their fair share, it’s more than likely me, but FH knows that I’d rather clean up on my day off than a day I’ve been working for 10 hours. 

Post # 12
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He does the majority of the chores and do the picking up around the house.

Post # 13
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I do almost all of the chores around the house. It’s not that SO is unwilling to help, but he just doesn’t do them right! Call me a neat freak or a control freak or whatever, but almost everytime he cleans, I end up doing it again. It just saves us both time and energy to have me do it the right way the first time. Although I AM working on helping him improve his cleaning skills..so hopefully this won’t always be the way we do things.

He does do certain things, though. He always takes out the trash. He almost always walks our dog. He makes the bed every morning and sets up the coffee maker every night.

He cleans up after dinner, sometimes, and will start a load of laundry or whatever, but I’ve stopped asking him to empty the dishwasher because he puts tons of stuff in the wrong place. So frustrating.

When we first lived together, he actually did most of the housework because I was working like CRAZY and didn’t have time to breathe, let alone clean. Needless to say, our apartment wasn’t very clean that first year and it drove me nuts.

Sometimes I get upset that he doesn’t offer to clean up after I’ve cooked, but usually I’ll just say to him that I’m tired or something and he gets the hint. He’s pretty good about trying to help, so I don’t fault him for not doing more. If anything, it’s my fault, because I don’t ask him to help – or even refuse his help sometimes!

So far, our system works for us, but I’m sure when we move into a bigger place someday, I’ll want a lot more help. He will also be in charge of all yard work and that fun stuff, too.

Post # 14
Member
1611 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I cook, he cleans, we both do laundry, and we alternate days dong the litter boxes ^_^ ..  He usually vaccums because he’s stronger lol — works for us!

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I pretty much do them all. He will clean occassionally…..very occassionally….like once every three months he will vaccuum or clean the bathroom or do the washing up or cook something. He is working 12+ hours a day and I am a student so for now it is fine cause I have the time and he really doesn’t. That being said the bin is his job…..he is really, really bad at it! lol.

Post # 16
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Mrs. Penguin:  DH and I have been together 10 years but just got married a month ago abd moved in 10 months ago. It was definitely an adjustment but we didnt have a bad experience.

we did however have little spats likes “why do you always leave your bag of chips on the coffee table? Why cant you b4ing them back to the snack counter whenyour done” or “why cant you do the dishes as soon as we are done eating instead of in the morning?” So we learned to not do these 5hings that annoy us.

chores are easy.. ill tidy up while he vacuums, or ill do dishes and he gets the laundry togrther. Then we go to the laundromat together once a week. 

It was very easy for us to get used to the household chores.

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