Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
This question is part of our blog and boards series, The Buzz, where we poll the hive for great advice and ideas and run a selection of helpful answers on the blog. Read more about the series here, and a couple of our first The Buzz posts: Saving for your first home and Length of dating before getting engaged.
We want to know:
Did you need time to adjust to having a spouse? How did the transition go?
Lend your helpful tips and advice to the community, and we’ll feature answers on the blog throughout this month!
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride's residence
Ooooh did we EVER need time to adjust! I don’t think we got settled into a comfortable life until at least six months after the wedding. And those first six months were BRUTAL. For whatever reason, it was all doom and gloom and pressure and fear and WTF did we get into.
We both agreed to see a counsellor. It only took four appointments or so for us to ‘graduate’ but I think just the commitment we made to going made a difference, because it showed both of us that we were willing to work together to fix things.
And in counselling, we learned how to communicate, and we learned that some of the things we each thought the other was doing poorly? They really were poor things to do, because we suddenly had a second opinion affirming it. Seeing our issues through someone else’s lens really helped us hone in on what was going wrong.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center
At three months in, I can honestly say we’ve had no real adjustment time. We’ve lived together for awhile, though, owned a house together for a year and a half now, so we were adjusted in that way. I’m not sure when we’ll adjust to feeling like “husband” and “wife” are fitting titles for us, but I’m sure it’ll happen eventually. I don’t know if we just lucked out or have yet to hit any rough spots, but I told my husband that often people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and he was genuinely shocked and couldn’t figure out why! So we’ll see!
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
We hit a rough spot pretty soon after the wedding/honeymoon was in the rearview mirror. My husband is having a tough time finding a better job and his uncertain career future is really dragging him down, so we really have to work at keeping things positive, being good to each other and not letting the stress come between us. We’ve lived together for six years already but marriage did cause a shift, in a great/scary way. All in all, being married has solidified our commitment and our friendship.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
We had been together 5 1/5 years, and lived together for 3 when we got married so the day to day differences were not so noticable. I think the biggest adjustment to having a spouse was societal – all of the sudden our relationship was “legitimate,” no questions asked that we would both be invited somewhere and we had to make all sorts of changes on our taxes! Also, something very subtle changed but it wasn’t an adjustment – our relationship just grows stronger all the time!
Post # 7
@Mrs. Mouse: When we got married we had been together for 5 years, living together the entire time (we moved in together after a few weeks of dating), plus we had already purchased a home, merged finances, etc., so no adjustment period for us.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2013 - Trinity United Methodist Church/Garibaldi
Mr. Bicycle lived together for about a year and a half by the time we got married so not a lot has changed. The only difference will be once we combine bank accounts – eek! Having kids in the house made us feel like a family already – it is just nice that I now share their last name. 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
We’d been together for 7 years and living together for 5 before we got married, so everything felt exactly the same!
Post # 10
@Mrs. Mouse: The biggest adjustment I had was living together and I thought it would be really easy. Before I lived with a best friend in a flat and we came and went as we pleased. I found it hard wanting to go shopping but not discussing with FI what he wanted to do. I wished I’d seen us more of a team straight away and that our worlds were one rather than separate and communicated with him better.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2011 - Catholic church followed by a botanical conservatory
I don’t feel like we needed to adjust to marriage. FC was worried when people warned him that our relationship would change when we got married but it didn’t. We already lived together and things stayed the same. We just got to finally say “Mann” and “Frau” which I find a lot easier over here, and like Hermit Crab, we just find ourselves continuing to grow closer to each other over time.
Post # 12
The only thing that changed was lots more fun in the sack. Maybe it was my childhood with a sexually repressed mother that subconsciously made me repressed until marriage, or maybe I just like the way his ring looks on him (honestly though, it is a HUGE turn on), but we are way more intimate.
Oh, and we finally married our finances. However, I think that’s more due to the fact that I finally got our financial act together so we can buy a house, so all of our income is combined into one budget. We’ve always mixed our finances together, but there was always a vague notion of “his money” and “her money” and who was going to pay for what. Now we both have set limits for monthly “fun money” determined by our income, and everything else is solidly “our money”.
@Mrs. Hermit Crab: YES. We lived together for 4 years before getting married. I would often hear, “Oh, you live with your boyfriend?” Trying to get anything done on the other person’s behalf was hell. Now, if I throw the words “wife” and “my husband” around, I can actually get things done. I am a serious part of the equation now, as is he. When people talk to us (say, at the doctor’s for example), they talk to both of us as a unit, instead of only directly to one of us and treating the other as a tag-along. It feels great to have other people take our relationship as seriously as we have this whole time.
Post # 13
adjusting to having a spouse? or living together? I think the biggest challenge for any two individuals is learning to live in the same house. but otherwise, since we lived together for years before getting married, it was no big deal.
I did like that we felt unexpectedly closer, and that our relationship was seen as more ‘valid’ in society’s eyes. but there was no adjustment there!
perhaps the hardest slip-up (which I still make sometimes, and it’s been a year!) was calling him ‘husband’ instead of ‘boyfriend’ when referring to him without a name.
Post # 14
There was no need to adjust… we had already owned a house and been living together for ages. Nothing really changed for us. To be honest, we had considered ourselves married already for a long time in most respects… the wedding was just a religious, social and legal confirmation of what we already had.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
For us, it was no different except that we didn’t have all the stress of planning the wedding anymore =) It has definitely made us closer and we have enjoyed being married, but I wouldn’t say that there was an adjustment period at all. We did live together for about a year before getting married, so I blame that.
Post # 16
We did just about everything before we got married. We moved in, joined finances…we didn’t buy a house though. I would use his name as my own for some less than important things. Now I use it everywhere 🙂 There’s been no real adjustment period. We haven’t needed one. It honestly feels like we had a huge pizza party two months ago, and the only thing that needed to be changed was my last name.