The Calm, Rational discussion that got me nowhere

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Anna113619:  Well even if you didnt get what you wanted to hear, at least you were able to say your piece. How long are you willing to wait for progress?  How much do you care about getting married in the next year or two- do you care more about that then about marrying him?

<br />I think you have to decide these things then be true to yourself. Maybe you live there another year and let him clearly know that “playing house” is not going to be going on indefinitely forever.

Is he of a “marriage/family-positive” mindset or does he feel wounded about the concept? <br />Honestly, a lot of guys dont even consider marriage till 30 is in sight, and then boom they buckle down. How long are you willing to wait? You need to decide that I guess, because you can control your own actions, but you cant and shouldn’t control his.

Post # 3
Member
7285 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re not in limbo, start making decisions for yourself. If your values arent aligned as MrsBuesleBee:  said ask those questions. Enough about him and waiting for him, take your power back.

Post # 4
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Anna113619:  You are only in limbo if you decide to be in limbo. You are a strong, powerful, smart woman — if you know what you want, go get it. You deserve a partner who is there for you and wants to build a life with you in a way that works for BOTH of you. 

I once met a guy on a plane. Dude was torn.up.clearly.crying. His girlfriend broke up with him a week ago, but they were on the outs for a year. Why? Because she wanted to move towards marriage and he wasn’t ready and never knew if / when he’d be ready. She simply stated if they weren’t on the same path anymore it didn’t make sense to continue. 

He loved her and missed her but reiterated to me (random stranger on the plane!) he STILL wouldn’t marry her if they got back together! She deserved to be with someone who saw marriage as a possibility in a concrete way.

Think about what you want and start thinking about how you can create a life that moves you towards your ideal life. Maybe your SO fits into it and maybe he doesn’t — hopefully he realizes how good he has it but if he doesn’t, you will be open and available for one who does. 

Please keep us updated!

Post # 5
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sounds like he enjoys things the way they are and sees no reason to change. If you aren’t happy with the status quo and he won’t change, you need to make the change. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Anna113619:  if he is 27 I am sorry that is not ‘normal’. Please think through this carefully, if someone saw marriage in the future they would say so, they wouldn’t avoid the question and it would not make them uncomfortable. I feel like he either isn’t ready or doesn’t see marriage in your future. Either way it’s food for thought for you. Good luck. 

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think something that might bring you peace is to set an ultimatum for yourself in your head… he doesn’t need to know anything about it. It will set your mind to rest because you will have a plan, no longer feel like you’re just spinning your wheels waiting. You’ll also feel more self-directed. The ultimatum doesn’t have to be as hard as “if SO hasn’t proposed by X day I will break up with him”. It can be something like, “if SO hasn’t talked about getting engaged by X day, I will tell him I’d like to move back out on my own and keep my options open, though we can continue seeing each other.”

Post # 8
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I disagree with your thread’s title OP. It DID get you somewhere. It might not have been where you’d have wanted it to get you but. ..

You learned where your SO stands on the subject and now it truly isn’t a passive waiting anymore or an expectant waiting, now as PPs have stated it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Now you’ve taken the steps to becoming the protagonist, being an active participant in your life. 

However hard it may be you now have the trends in your hands.  Where would you like to go?

Post # 9
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Like other posters said, I think at this point you have to chose what’s most important to you. How long are you willing to wait? Are having kids at stake? Are you younger than him? I agree with others that this discussion DID get you somewhere. Now you’ve made it clear to him that marriage is important to you. The fact that he wanted to express that he loved you after this whole discussion shows that he knows that he didn’t react the way you wanted him to (Duh) and that he at least felt bad about it. 

I would put myself a time line, in my mind, without telling him. No one likes ultimatums but has he ever thoght that you hate waiting as much as he hates ultimatums? 

Post # 10
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Anna113619:  I disagree with posters who say he should know by now.  27 is still pretty young and you’ve only been together a couple of years! More often than not,  it takes men longer to get to that point than women (hence all the waiting posts and lists on the bee!) and a lot men close down completely if they feel any degree of pressure or that they have been backed into a corner… That’s not unusual at all.

You’ve said what you wanted to say now leave it to sink in. He loves you and i bet he’s thinking and mulling it over more than you think!  Set a private timeline in your head and, if it still hasn’t happened by then, accept that you might have to walk away from this relationship. Hopefully it won’t get to that point x 

Post # 11
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well I agree with pps that you have got closer to an answer but right now, you haven’t got closer to a very helpful answer! He’s clearly far from ready to get married and, to be honest, I also think that 27 is still pretty young. His attitude may change in a couple of years.

What would bother me is his absolute refusal to have a sensible discussion about marriage even if he doesn’t want to get married right now. Using words like “ultimatum” is a mechanism to make the whole subject go away and make you feel guilty about raising it. But it’d be better if he said, upfront and honestly, that he’s not ready to even consider marriage yet. It’s not a crime and wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker right now. His avoidance tactics, on the other hand, might be. 

Post # 12
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Anna113619: First, I am really, really sorry. That is horrible to hear. Second, that is not a normal reaction from a 27 year old who loves you and wants to marry you. It instead sounds like the conversation that my husband’s best friend and his girlfriend had for the past 3 years.

I hate to say it, but that response gave you the information that you need. If it was me, as much as it hurt, I would find another place to live and sign a short term lease at the end of your lease. Explain that you love him and want to have a future with him, but cannot stay with someone who does not view this as heading towards marriage. It is not an ultimatum– you aren’t saying you will only will stay if you get a promise of a ring– but is instead about respecting yourself and your values. You asked him for his view on the subject and he said he doesn’t see your relationship heading there. He loves you, but doesn’t see you heading there.

It will hurt– for both you and him. DH is certainly taking care of his friend’s broken heart right now after his girlfriend did the same thing. Her heart is also broken. But everyone of his friends completely respects her so much more for walking away. It isn’t about making him choose– he already did that. It is about accepting his choice (that there is no long term future) and deciding how you would like to handle it.

Post # 13
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

In essence you gave him an ultimatum. I need to know if we are headed for marriage before I renew a lease. That sure sounds like if forever in terms of marriage is not in the cards I will live somewhere else. Own that and do it. 27 is not that young. When a man is ready to marry he asks. That’s at 22 or 27 or 35 etc. How long will you wait to find out how sure he is about marriage. ..with you? 

You can continue being with him without living with him. He is comfortable with commitment and living together without marriage. You aren’t.  So make it less comfortable- commitment yes, but not living together. 

Post # 14
Member
998 posts
Busy bee

Pollywog:  This. If he reacted that way to your conversation, he doesn’t want to marry you. His age isn’t really a factor – 27 is more than old enough to know if someone you’ve been with for two years is right to marry. However, I am most concerned with how your SO seems to have lied to you, and accused you of giving him an ultimatum. That lack of communication is more worrisome than not agreeing on when to tie the knot.

Post # 15
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have to disagree with most PPs here. You DID give him an ultimatum, and I can absolutely understand why he was upset. He was all ready to re sign the lease, and out of nowhere, he gets a”marriage or find a roommate fast “speech. All things considered, I think he handled it pretty well. 

At this point, the ball is in your court. You handed down the ultimatum, so you’d better be able to back it up. You’re not in limbo at all. However, given his reaction, you might want to start looking at apartments.

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