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Another post reminded me that I've wanted to write my own post on this issue for a while. I'm not trying to start a debate, or offend anyone, I'm just going to give my first-hand experience and thoughts for those brides who are considering having a dry reception. This is a personal choice and everyone is entitled to decide for themself- I'm just going to present my opinions.
So, a few months ago I went to a wedding of a very dear friend from college. Myself and about 7 college friends flew down (twice actually, once for the bridal shower and then again for the wedding), stayed in a hotel, rented a car, and bought gifts. When we got to the wedding it was VERY off putting to find out it was a cash bar. We are all young and enjoy a few drinks every now and then. We don't NEED alcohol by any means. We still had a great time. But that's not what the issue is about. It's that after everything we (and other guests) had done to get to the wedding and join in the festivities, to have to open our wallets and pay $5 a drink at the bar, was a little insulting. Again, this is just my own experience. Of course we didn't say anything about this to the bride or groom. We bought our drinks and had a good time. But in private we all said it was a bummer, a bit rude, and some friends drop the "t word" (i personally don't like that word lol).
Anyways, at the end of the day - it was just a little insulting to be expected to pay for drinks. If I can provide an alternative to Bee's debating this issue it would be this: beer and wine? I feel that this is a nice middle ground. Or if you don't have many guests that will drink just do a consumption bar (pay only for the drinks that were actually consumed vs doing an open bar where you pay X $$ per person no matter who drinks). Or, have a daytime or brunch affair. This wedding was a Saturday night country club wedding. If it had been an afternoon wedding I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
Just my 2cents. Again, I don't want to start a debate I just wanted to present my opinions.
This is a hot topic during our wedding planning. I feel strongly about having a cash bar (at my wedding) due to the following reasons:
FI and I are still in college and paying for the entire thing ourselves. We have already mentioned this to some of the family and they totally understand and are perfectly OK with this decision.
The *primary* reason for having a cash bar is my family and FI's family are *HEAVY* drinkers. Did I mention HEAVY drinkers??? Our wedding budget would easily double even with a beer and wine only option. We have done the math.
Also, at my cousin's wedding, a very drunk guest climbed a tree and couldn't get down, so the fire dept had to be called. Another family member woke up in someone else's room (not related to the wedding) and was banned from the hotel. Not too classy... I don't want my wedding to turn into a zoo.
So, due to the above reasons (lol), and quite frankly after typing it out and seeing it in black and white, I will probably be having a cash bar.
ETA: To the OP, I do agree with treating your guests to a couple of drinks especially after all of the effort to get to the wedding. However, our families would take advantage and law enforcement would be called at some point or another (which also happened at another family function...)
We're doing beer/wine only. I think we've determined from other posts that this is somewhat of a location issue. It's the norm where I live, weddings I've attended to provide beer and wine or to have a cash bar. I'm almost 40 years old and have attended ONE open bar reception (and I've attended a lot of weddings).
I don't know about your friends, but my friends drink A LOT. If we were to pay for unlimited drinks, we would be looking at $5,000-$10,000 in alcohol alone. Our budget is $10,000 so that's just not an option.
Personally, I don't see an issue with cash bars/open bars/subsidized, etc. I'm not a big drinker myself, neither is FI, so even if free drinks are offered to us, we might only have one or two. Same thing with a cash bar, we'd only have one or two. With our wedding, we haven't quite decided yet, but we're more than likely going to have a red and a white on the tables, baileys and caesers, plus a siggy available at our expense. We're having an afternoon reception and don't see the point of having a full open bar. Plus neither of us drink wine or beer. Anyone who comes to our wedding should know this about us, and should accept it as our decision.
Nope Jrzygrl, I totally get it. I, too, do not agree with a cash bar and wouldn't know what to think of it as a guest (no offense, for the love of GAWD NO OFFENSE!!!). I know alcohol is expensive, I am like the Queen of Budget and "cheap" but I just couldn't do a cash bar. What FI and I did as a middle grown is looked ONLY for venues that allowed outside alcohol. For a FRACTION of the cost of bar service thru the venue, we will have a HIS signature drink that FI picks (which he is very excited about picking his drink, LOL) and a HERS drink that I will pick as my signature. We'll have a margarita machine and our favorite white wine instead of champagne (cheap champagne is yuck to me and makes my head hurt!!). We also have an agreement that for a set fee we pay upfront, our bartenders are not to accept tips (even with that creative addition, it still is no where NEAR what their bar service would have cost). We literally DID not want to ask our guests to pay for ANYTHING at our wedding.
@milesbella: Good point about it being regional. You're right - if this was common on the east coast I probably wouldn't think twice. Being from NYC I've never been to a cash bar wedding nor had any of my friends. It's just not done around here. So I think that's why it was more offending.
BTW: my HEROIC FI is paying for the entire wedding on his own, in cash, no debt. I've said this 100 times on as many posts but I think he's amazing for doing it and never let an opportunity go by without mentioning it. Tee hee...
I agree with you that people should host the wedding they can afford. DH and I had a brunch wedding because I did not think we could pull off a Saturday night wedding on our budget. Saturday night + dinner & dancing, people want a cocktail or three.
@katieebee: we did similary. I chose my venue so it would be only what was consumed at the retail price at a liquor store (So say we only used 1 bottle of vodka, and we choose what is stocked, that is all we pay for) We are coordinating all our vendors which is much cheaper anyway!
It is estimated that it will end up being 13-18 per head plus the bartenders at 25 per hour. No need to tip the bartenders per the liquor store we are going through since they make a good hourly rate.
I totally get that in some areas cash bar is expected, but people have to know their area and guests (not just the close family that is coming and will tell you everything is OK). I would be taken our and shot if I tried to have a cash bar.
In my area I have been to two cash bars. One where everyone bitched and moaned because they also spend a ton of money on ice sculptures which really is an unnecessary expense.
And the second was acceptable because it was at the Moose Hall and the drinks were $1 a piece and everyone had helped by decorating and cooking food. It was a community affair. But even still we all had to run to the ATM because no one thought to bring cash. Even though we new this was uber low budget (like literally they spend a few hundred dollars) we still didnt think to bring money for a cash bar. (P.S- this was the best wedding I ever went to.)
We also thought of having a host bar for 2 hours through the venues that wouldn't allow outside alcohol. That way, it's not breaking the bank and no one is drinking alllllll night long. Too many options to not host a bar. That's just me...
For me, personally, I would never consider inviting guests to my wedding and then tell them, Oh hey you have to pay for your drinks.
As the bride & hostess of my wedding - essentially a large party I am throwing together with my future husband - I realize it is my duty to ensure that my guests are treated well. No matter I how I look at it, I cannot deny that they are my guests, and free food and drinks are how I will show them my appreciation and gratitude for sharing my special day with me. My fiance and I are a fairly young couple (25 and 26) and paying for our entire wedding ourselves with an incredibly modest budget, but I don't mind shifting some money toward beverages, and saving money elsewhere in order to accommodate my guests.
I see it this way: If you were invited to a formal dinner party (whether it be at a house or fancy lounge), you'd be a bit offended when you arrived and your host & hostess announced that you had to pay them in cash for your meal and beverages, right? So why would it be any different at a wedding?
This is really just my personal opinion, but like I underestand that this differs from couple to couple, from culture to culture, so it's not etiquette that is set in stone. I realize there are a lot of couples who wouldn't want drinking at their wedding, period, and that is fine too. I think that what it truly boils down to and what the factors you should consider for your friends and family are:
- your estimation of your guests' beverage consumption
- your budget and whether you can afford it (no one will expect you to pay for drinks with money you do not have)
- how important "free" drinks are to your guests and what they may be expecting
My question is: if the couple simply CAN NOT afford open or subsidized bar, would those that insist on a couple sponsored bar prefer no bar? I've been to a wedding where there was NO BAR and I would rather pay for a drink than not have the option at all to avoid the rude/tacky bar issue.
@NJmeetsBX: For me, I would change the food I was serving or the venue or forgo something to make it work somehow. It doesnt have to be a full bar. I would even have something in a backyard or a Moose Lodge and provide a vodka lemonade made real cheap and some wine. Its often the most expensive when its being held at a formal location and it ends up being $50 per head etc.
Basically, I would change my plan to make it fit the alcohol for me and my family/friends/regions expectations. Of course in reality that may not be possible for everyone IE if its a 400 person wedding or something and that is already what they are doing to make it work.
@NJmeetsBX: This is a good and very valid question. Personally, if the couple could not afford to pay for alcoholic beverages, I would rather attend a wedding with no bar at all. I think it would be a sincere message from the couple saying, "Hey, we are sorry we can't afford to give free drinks, but as you are our guests we still would not expect you to pay for anything - so no point in worrying about it at all." It is just more straightforward, and then there is no dealing with the inevitable muttering and grumbling about a cash bar.
To be honest, I never even think to bring my wallet to a wedding. Ever. At most I bring lipgloss, my driver's license, and a camera. So even if I did show up to a cash bar at a wedding, I'd be out of luck.
@maraschino: I understand and agree with your point about hosting a dinner party and a wedding being similar. But the difference is, if you are having a small dinner at your home you may provide some alchohol (what you can afford presumably) not a plethora and range of anything your guests could possibly want.
Don't get me wrong, I think cash bars should be avoided, if possible. But I understand that that's not always possible and I wouldn't be offended as a guest just maybe a little bummed. At the end of the day, I'm there to celebrate with the couple and happy to be there.
...and I don't want to sound like a LUSH HAHAHAHA!! And hopefully, I'm not giving the impression that my fam and friends are lushes, bc I don't mean to do that either. But I would rather no bar than a cash one. I would think the couple just didn't want alcohol at there event (shoulder shrugs).
I see where everyone is coming from, and I think it's really nice when a couple can provide this to the guests at their wedding. However, I think it kind of differs based on where you live, too. When I lived in the Midwest (Minnesota, Wisconsin), almost every wedding I attended had a cash bar or no bar. We are getting married up there, so we are having a cash bar because it's simply the norm, from our experiences.
In FL, where I live now, every wedding I've been to has had a free open bar. It's odd how it differs from region to region.
I think it's really up to the couple and their pocketbook; I hardly think they should have to take out a loan to cover the alcohol expenses for guests if it's too much of a financial burden. I personally would like to have a drink at a wedding, but if it's not free, I'm certainly not offended.
I've had my two cents. OP, thanks for your thoughts! It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions.
We're doing a cash bar for a couple of reasons. One is that it would seriously affect our budget, as PPs have stated. The other is that FI's family are really really big drinkers and I just don't want anyone to get to out of control. I'm all for having a good time but I could never forgive myself if it got out of hand. We are having it open for cocktail hour, though.
@MsYellowJacket: Were we at the same wedding? Haha... FI's dad ended up in somebody else's room after FI's brother's wedding... hung out with the people for like 2 hours until they called security because he wouldn't leave and swore he was in the right place. They had an open bar.... ha.
I never comment on this issue, but here's my experience.
The weddings I have been to in Southern California have been 50% cash bar/%50 hosted (and one N/A).
I totally prefer open bar and had one at mine, but I never begrudge my friends who do not have one. Usually, but not always, they do not have a lot of money. Even beer and wine adds up. I know every time I go to a wedding that there is a chance that I will have to pay for drinks and I am totally fine with it. I don't feel that I "deserve" to be treated because I'm a guest.
I honestly didn't view this as a concern before getting engaged. But after pricing what's available and realizing how costly the catering portion of the wedding can be, I understand the concerns.
In our case, we are paying for the majority of the wedding and in most cases the bar tab was priced to be more expensive than the actual meal. RIDICULOUS!!! I get that people do feel the NEED to drink to have a good time ( my FI is one of them :-) but I think it's a waste of my hard earned dollars to spend such a great portion of the budget on just alcohol. My FI leaned heavily towards open bar while I was fine with a semi cash i.e we pay for non alcoholic bevs and our signature drinks.
We ended up with a FABULOUS deal : MEAL + Linens + china + open bar for 100 guests= 3600
As an alternative, a cousin of FI had an open bar up until dinner time. As dinner ended they transitioned to a cash bar.
After planning this wedding, I fully support whatever the couple can afford!
@lefeymw: I think that's a little extreme- to expect couples to design their entire wedding around whether or not they can serve free alcohol. Sorry, can't afford open bar? Looks like you'll have to have a backyard wedding or hold it at your local Elks lodge just so your guests can have their free booze. That's ridiculous.
@NJmeetsBX: I, too, have been at a wedding with NO bar at all... and gladly would have opened up my wallet to pay overprice for a drink or two.
@kimmylyn: I said I would, not that anyone has to, but I think there is often a compromise that could be made that doesnt affect a lot. And I did actually. I chose a location so it would be extremely affordable, but still very nice location.
First I have to say I'm so happy how amicable this discussion is going, well done Bee's!
Second, for those saying "I don't drink so I don't think alcohol should be at my wedding". I understand your point, I do - but this is what my vegetarian friend had to say about it "I don't eat meat. But I sure as hell am going to serve it to my guests." I think that's a fair comparison. Also those saying "Our families drink too much, so we don't want to encourage it." If they are heavy drinkers won't they drink the same amount even if they have to pay for it?
I think what it comes down to is cost. And I get it. As a budget bride I REALLY get it. But... I think it comes with the territory. I'd rather wear a pre-owned gown, diy some aspects, and cut back elsewhere in order to afford the open bar. But I udnerstand everyone's priorities are different.
@JrzyGurl: About the I dont drink part... We hear "well we have a few recovering alcholics so we arent having alcohol". Its not the brides job to shelter or help the alcoholics. If they are recovering they need to know what they can handle- they are going to have to do it anyway in life.
I have an AA friend that says she is having alchohol because why should her guests have to suffer because she cant handle it. Just something to think about. (of course it changes if its against your religious beliefs).
I prefer only vinegar on my salad, I'm not going to serve only vinegar instead of salad dressings. I know they will want other options.
I would love to do an open bar, a tabbed bar where I pick up the tab would be ideal, but my place doesnt let me do this. The problem is that I have 180 guest, MAYYYBE 30-40 will have 3 drinks the course of the night, and of those, maybe 10-15 will have more than that. The other 140, dont drink. The only reasonable option I see is to have a cash bar. I'm sorry, I just cannot pay 6k ($30/head for all 5 hrs open bar * 180 guest) for 40 people to drink all night. If all 180 were drinkers and I'd be getting my money's worth for it, I'd be more willing to make it work. I would hope none of my drinkers think my wedding is t**** or off putting cause it jsut doesnt make sense for me to be that ripped off.
In defense of those who don't drink and don't want alcohol at their weddings...
It's unfair for someone who doesn't believe in drinking to be expected to pay for the drinking of guests. I'm not against drinking, but my sister is really religious and doesn't believe in it; they refused to have any alcohol at their wedding, and people respected that because they knew that doing so would contradict a fundamental belief that they have.
Secondly, some people don't like the atmosphere that drinking creates. I agree that adults should be able to handle themselves, but the fact remains that some don't. If the bride and groom are uncomfortable with having Uncle Joe stumbling around at the wedding, then I think it's their right to not serve alcohol.
Just my two cents. :)
@maraschino: totally agree..I am throwing a party for the people I love and they are honoring me with their presence, I would be horrified to throw a dinner party people had to pay cash for drinks for and would be equally horrified if it happened at the largest party I will ever throw. That said we are on a budget so we are getting two red and two white options and mimosas for our afternoon wedding. We aren't choosing wines over $10-15 a bottle and get a 10% case discount. Totally do-able and necessary and all that it took was cutting back on the extraneous "dont really need stuff"
See, and THAT'S why my guest list consists of 75 invitees. I have always said I can do much much more on a budget for 75 of our closest fam and very best friends than I can for hundreds of ppl we just "know" from some walk in our lives on that same budget. I knew that from the beginning, I wanted amazing decor, yummy food, drinking, and dancing. I also knew I didn't want to still be paying for the wedding 5 yrs after it's over. So I immediately thought, short guest list.
@pinkshoes: I totally understand your issue. But what would the difference be between having a cash bar and instead just telling the bartenders to keep a running tab of al the drinks and then just pay it at the end? It would basically work the same way - either way the bar gets paid the same amount. The only change is that your guests just don't know. It'd be like if you just opened a tab at any other bar and said to put all drinks on there.I can't see how they won't let you do this. Maybe you can find a way to get around it (like have your dad just walk in and say Listen - All drinks go on this tab. End of story. I don't see how they could argue.
I totally understand your postion, just trying to offer an alternative.
@JrzyGurl: i would LOOOOVE to do that and pick up the tab. My venue does not allow me to do that! It sucks! I'm not sure if they even allow a tab to be opened, all i know is i asked them this exact question and told them what i wanted to do. They said its not an option.
I guess I just can't wrap my mind around being a guest that expects or demands an open bar. I would never want the couple to compromise their dream location, or time of year, or have to save for a year longer to be able to provide me a drink. I would gladly pay for a few drinks if it meant they were able to have the function they want when they want.
I plan to have an open bar at my wedding but we recently had a birthday party for my dad and it was cash bar. We simply couldn't afford to pay for an open bar and it was more important to us to celebrate his 60th birthday with a party with family than worry about "offending" people and not celebrating it at all. But that's just me.
@NJmeetsBX: Yes, as I guest I would prefer no bar at all rather than a cash bar. For me, there's just something very uncomfortable as a guest to take all that effort and money to get to the wedding, and then be asked to pay for drinks.
For me, a cash bar was not an option. I would have cut back on venue, or change the food selection, or my dress, rather than have a guest have to pay during the reception. And if that were not possible still, then I would have no bar.
A wedding is not about offering everything to your guests, but it is about sincerely offering them what you are able to provide. (I realize this is a personal opinion, no need to debate this.)
@NJmeetsBX:Tee hee. So embarrassed. I literally thought you had to pay cash. And someone else posted not expecting to have to pay and everyone having to run out to the ATM. ?????
Just goes to show you, I've never been to a wedding that had a cash bar. No bar yes, cash bar, never...
@katieebee: They operate just like a regular old bar like happy hour, etc. Now that I think about it, I don't recall hearing too many complaints about the cash bar weddings. But the one NO BAR wedding. MY gosh! You would have thought the bride walked down the aisle naked. People would not shut up about it and still haven't and it was over 5 years ago! LOL Different strokes for different folks, for sure!
I 100% agree with the OP.
This topic is very regional. Where I'm from, you have an open bar (whether it be limited or full) or you provide your own alcohol. Even if there are cases of beer under the table, the guests aren't paying for their drinks. I can honestly say that the one wedding we went to a few years ago (which was for FI's aunt whos wealthy regardless but married a sugar daddy) had a cash bar and we were peeved. It had nothing to do with budget or drinking problems in either family since drinks were available for purchase. Everyone had a problem with this, even her kids who are adults in their early 40's.
To those who are offering a cash bar, I HIGHLY suggest telling your guests first, especially if your venue doesn't accept credit cards. This wedding we went to didn't take plastic so we had to leave after getting to the "cocktail" hour to go to an ATM 15 minutes away. Crappy start to the evening.
@katieebee: Some bars don't take credit cards (see my PP above) so cash is the only option. But I agree, it's a big deal when I have a couple singles on me.
@Di@na: Wow!! How did you find such a great deal!?!?!?! We are searching and searching for an affordable caterer + option for alcohol.
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