The cookie

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever stopped having sex with your boyfriend?
    Yes, and things got better : (7 votes)
    9 %
    Yes, but we eventually broke up : (9 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, it's my body and choice to do what I want with my cookies : (18 votes)
    23 %
    No, I think it's manipulating : (46 votes)
    58 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I have not but it’s not manipulative necessarily. You are restarting your relationship, and it makes sense to me to delay sex

    Post # 4
    Member
    5199 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I didn’t answer the poll becaues I’ve never had to stop having sex with an SO, but I don’t think it’s manipulative.  I think in this case you are defining your boundaries over something that, I assume, is serious.

    If this were about somethign silly, like you wanting him to buy you something or do something for you that would be different.  But it sounds like you are doing this because you need to rebuild trust in your relationship.  If that’s the case I think it’s a smart idea.  This is why (most people) don’t sleep together right off the bat – you’ve got to build trust first.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t like your reasoning. I would understand getting back together and wanting to take things slow while trust builds back up (i.e. not wanting sex to blind you to reality, especially since we as women develop strong emotional bonds through sex), but using sex to show you are okay or not okay with things or referring to it as “withholding cookies” shows a manipulative, patronizing, and controlling mindset in regards to sex. That’s something that simply shouldn’t be in a healthy relationship, and it doesn’t strike me as the kind of mindset a mature woman with a healthy sexuality should have, either. Either be with him or don’t. Playing games, treating him like a child and treating sex like a gold star on a progress report – this is not coming from a mature or wise place.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @MrsWe:  Then I think you really ought not be with him at all. A man who loves you, even if a breakup occurs, shouldn’t make you feel used through sex.

    Post # 9
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    If the person you are with makes you feel used if you are having sex with them, you probably shouldn’t be with them. Do you guys have a game plan or clear path forward for what needs to happen for things to get to a good place? If not, is he ok with the work that needs to happen to figure that out? If not, I think you guys are better off going your separate ways.

    Post # 10
    Member
    451 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MrsWe: From one of your previous posts, it looks like you have only been together for about a year?

    To be honest, it concerns me that you’re having such major problems after such a short period of time together. It’s a strong indicator that things most likely won’t work out for you two in the long run.

    May I ask, why did you agree to get back together? What exactly do you think will change and improve?

    Post # 12
    Member
    3442 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Not over any amount of time. Maybe for the night if my husband is pissing me off & I’m just not in the mood anymore. 

    I think to do it in the long term is manipulative. However, I say that with the understanding that the relationship isn’t in total shambles.

    If the relationship has a LOT of growing to do & rectifying of bad juju, then I think maybe keeping sex out of the relationship is a good thing, because it might give the couple time to really work stuff out. Sometimes sex can get in the way of that, I think.

    However, it really depends on the TONE of how one takes away sex. If they do it to “teach you a less!” then that’s manipulative & unhealthy. But if they genuinely do it to try & work things out without complicating things with sex, then that might actually be healthy.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I sincerely hope things turn out well. Maybe he does have good intentions. If he doesn’t, then I hope you figure it out quickly and can move on. Sometimes a year isn’t long enough to be ready for a commitment like marriage. Sometimes it is plenty of time. It really depends on a number of factors. I’m guessing you are ready to be engaged, and he is not? That’s what it sounds like. I do want to add one more thing: if you are not sure whether he is mainly interested in the sex or in you as a life partner, can I suggest that maybe you don’t really know him yet, either?

    Post # 15
    Member
    7098 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I voted no, but in this situation I don’t really think it’s manipulative.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1335 posts
    Bumble bee

    @MrsWe:  After reading your previous posts and this one, in all honesty you need to first focus on learning to love yourself and learning how to take loving care of yourself/being able to fill your emotional needs on your own.  After reading your posts/replies, you seem to be in a co-dependent relationship where you where you have these expectations in your mind of how the relationship should be, and you need your SO to do as you want in order for you to be happy.  You should be happy first and regardless of him.  I’m not trying to bash you or blame you, just being candidly honest.  If you truly know how to love and take care of yourself, than you wouldn’t need to play games by withdrawing sex from him to see if he will meet your expectations.  And yes, you are playing games if you choose to engage in a certain behavior in order to control/make the other person act a certain way you want (no game = no expectations or attachmemt to what the outcome is) and then also having a set date/ultimatum where you’ll leave him if he doesn’t perform.  

    You also talk about how you accepted your SO back because of how much he loves you and wants to be with you, but you never mention if you love him and want to work things out.  Why are you with him?  

    Yes, he did things to disappoint and hurt you, but it ALWAYS takes two people to create distance and relationship problems.  If you took him back without looking at how YOU yourself contributed to the relationship problems and have a willingness to learn how to be a better partner, than you’ll always experience the same issues.  If you blame him for everything in the relationship and demand that he change while you sit there unwilling to look at how you need to change too, than you will be waiting forever and honestly, you’re only using him and the relationship to fill up your emotional needs/emptiness.  

    Regarding sex, you’re right in feeling the need to wait on that.  You and your SO both really need to learn how to be best friends first and know how to treat each other with respect before becoming physically intimate.  If you both are willing to learn how to become better relationship partners and are willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, than in the end you really will have the relationship you’ve always wanted.

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