(Closed) The DEER of his life…

posted 7 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll: What should I do?
    Wait it out, he probably just has cold feet, things will get better! : (13 votes)
    38 %
    Postpone it, and do whatever he wants. : (0 votes)
    Boot his ass, he wasn't worried about me anyways. : (21 votes)
    62 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1297 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I wouldn’t wait it out, I would have a serious conversation with him about this.  Let him know exactly what you are feeling. Stay positive!

    Post # 5
    Member
    1297 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    But his reasons for postponing it are still unclear to you, right?

    Post # 7
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    If he has always been a big hunter, then I think you need to expect that.  My FI hunts all fall and is involved in dog shows/competitions all summer.  

    When we were first dating he was very sensitive about it if I complained at all about the hunting.  (mostly I complained that he was gone a lot and needed to make a effort to see me when he was not gone)  He kept saying I didn’t want him to hunt and I finally got angry and told him that I was fine with hunting, I was not fine with him coming back from one hunting trip and then going on another without taking a day to see me in between! 

    Over time I came to see that most of his friends ‘had to’ stop hunting to that extent when they got married and it scared FI.  His very best friend hunts a fraction of what he used to because “That’s family time, you aren’t allowed to go!” (yes I have heard her say it repeatedly) He is a very involved father, but he is giving up a huge part of his life and FI doesn’t want that to happen. 

    So if that has happened to your guys friends as well, and if you are expecting him to skip regular hunting trips, I can see his concern.  It sounds like the wedding planning is well underway, why can’t he hunt for now?  

    I think you need to have a major calm discussion.  If it is not about the hunting and he wants to postpone, then I would point out that that involves losing deposits and you need a date to try and move things to.  Otherwise I think I would tell him the you consider it called off, not postponed. 

    PS, my FI plans to go sturgeon spearing the morning of the wedding.  I think mostly just so he can say he did. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    305 posts
    Helper bee

    While it sucks for all of the money your parents have invested so far, you really need to put a halt on planning until you two have a serious discussion about why he is suddenly unsure about the wedding and what your plans for the future are.  Marriage is all about compromise, so you both are going to have to make sacrifices for the other.  If he isn’t willing to lay off his hunting to have a serious discussion with you, you really need to rethink your relationship and if this is something you will be willing to live with every year.

    While you have been together for 3 years, the fact that you are both still in school leads me to assume that you are pretty young.   And while there is nothing wrong with being a young bride, maybe he feels that since he isn’t out of school he is being rushed into marriage?  Will you both still be dependent on your parents after your wedding?  Will you both be able to start living together and supporting each other even though you aren’t finished with school yet?

    Post # 9
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Sorry sweetie but it sounds like there’s a serious problem. What worries me is that he doesn’t want to talk to you about his thinking, saying that he wants to postpone the wedding is a big deal and you need to understand the reasons behind it.

    The only advice I can give you is to try and look past the wedding and focus on your relationship, is he really the man who will support you through bad times, someone who will look after you when you’re sick or pregnant, someone you can always count on? If he is, then you can try and work it out. But if you have doubts on any of those things perhaps you have deeper issues in your relationsihp. Either way, you need to pin him down and have a good talk.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1297 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    ok so here’s what I would do, If I were in your situation.

    I would NOT postpone the wedding just yet.  I would frist DEMAND an honest answer from him on if he wants to marry me or not.  I would not just wait it out either, if he cannot be honest with me now and tell me what he is REALLY feeling then I would call it off. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think you need a relationship mediator.  Someone who is objective but can also hold you both to answering a direct question.  You both sound like you have some doubts, but there doesn’t seem to be much communication.  He may be going hunting to avoid you, not because he’s so into it.  Making an appointment with someone who can mediate your issues would really help you both figure out what’s best.

    Post # 12
    Member
    609 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2009

    Yikes! Sounds like you guys have A LOT of talking to do. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like he might have changed his mind about the marriage. Sounds like you guys might need to take a few steps back and revaluate if you guys want to get married. It’s going to be a tough conversation to have with him but you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. And if you guys do decide to move forward with the wedding sounds like you need to have some discussions about what you guys expect from one another (hunting time, family, where to live). His concerns sound legitimate and maybe he feels like you can’t move forward until things have been agreed and compromised on.

    Yes, your parents have spent a lot of money, but entering into a marriage with someone who isn’t in it 100% isn’t worth the price tag on those items. And you are far enough out that you might not be able to get the deposit back but you won’t have to pay the full price on those things.

    I’m sorry and my heart goes out to you on this because it sounds very difficult. But I think you will do the right thing for you even if it’s not the easiest thing.

    Post # 14
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like you have bigger problems than not postponing your wedding. He is telling you different reasons every other day about how he isn’t ready to be married. Then why did you even propose? What has changed in our relationship that makes you feel this way? How can we make our relationship work?  These are the questions I would be asking instead of well when do you want to get married? I wish you the best of luck, and hope it works out for both of you. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    4547 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I’m sorry to say he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be married. Giving you all sorts of different reasons why he isn’t ready? Lame, especially since he already proposed and you guys are planning the wedding. Honestly, it sounds like when he realized you were getting marrie in 6 months he freaked out and isn’t sure if he’s ready or not. Tell him you want the REAL reason why he doesn’t want to be married. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t ready!

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