(Closed) The difficult BM and how to deal?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Next time she says something, call her out on it. Just say, “hey, that’s awfully rude, don’t you think?” and if it continues, sit her down like a little kid and have a talk with her about the golden rules

Post # 4
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

it sounds like she’s really struggling with her weight, thus commenting on others’ as well. as someone who struggled with insecurity for a loooooooooooooong time, I may be projecting, but it sounds to me like she’s just really insecure.

I think ejs had a really good suggestion; call her out on being rude, but in a light hearted way. don’t condemn her, especially if it’s the first time she’s said anything. If that doesn’t help, maybe institute, with all the bridesmaids, a ‘no negative talk’ policy. Sounds cheesy, but it could help – “we’re all going to be positive about our own bodies, and of course about each others!” then when she makes rude comments, even just to you, you can remind her of it and hold her to it.

As for the dress; could you find a matching bolero or lace jacket or something she can wear over the dress? In the same color? or a really neutral color that would coordinate? If you want uniform dresses, that might be an easy compromise.

Post # 5
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, that is pretty harsh of her. 

An idea for the BM dresses – maybe you could find her a bolero or jacket of some sort that compliements the dresses so she doesn’t feel so uncomfortable (check etsy – there are a TON). 

Post # 6
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Is that her regular personality or is she acting especially ‘honest’ with things relating to your wedding? Honestly, I think my entire family is very ‘honest’ and that is just the way they are. My BMs are my two sisters and my FSIL. They and my mom and FMIL all have their opinions, but it doesn’t bother me and I know they aren’t being mean, they’re just being honest about their opinions. I guess it’s different with sisters than with friends, since I grew up with them.

I’d just tell her that above all, you’d appreciate her support, which might mean keeping some of her comments to herself. She may or may not be able to do it. She might think that she’s helping you by honestly telling you how she feels about everything.

Post # 7
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

oh, and about the dresses – I wouldn’t like to be forced to wear a strapless dress that I was uncomfortable in, especially if I had to pay for it. Maybe each girl can pick her own style in the same color family?

Post # 8
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I think most of these are real issues that need to be addressed, but the one about her arms is easily solved: let her get something to cover her arms up. I know then your girls won’t match, but if she was a good enough friend to you at one point for you to ask her to be a bridesmaid (which is an assumption on my part that may not be true!), then it would be very nice of you to consider her body issues and just let her cover up, even though the other girls want to wear something different.

As for the rest, I would definitely have a talk with her if what she is saying is bothering you and you can’t ignore it.

Post # 9
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think the dress situation is easily solvable and agree with PPs that a pashmina or bolro or some such thing would take care of that. As for the nasty remarks about people – not OK. I can’t believe she called your FI fat to your face! SO rude. Next time she makes any sort of comment like that you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that that’s not gonna fly with you.

Post # 10
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If it continues which it probably will you can iehter keep her along for the ride or cut the dramma and cut her.

Post # 11
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Wow, i’m sorry that she is being so rude. . .Um, I for one have no patience for anyone calling my fiancee, I, my bms or his gm nasty names. I have a lil sis who will NOT be a bm because she called my fiancee various fat names and would tell me i need to “get with a white, redneck, miltary guy just like she did”. . .and usually my fiancee was in the room. . .I think you should have a serious but gentle talk with her. Let her know respect everyone is just as important as her feeling comfortable at the wedding ceremony. I also think that she should apologize to the people she made the rude comments about and you. Also, remind her of the golden rule and also that you and your fiancee make the final decisions if she doesn’t cool it with her bad behavior. . .as a last result, explain to her that you don’t WANT to cut her out, but if she continues not to hold her tongue that her tongue will CUT herself out of the wedding party as well as the perks that come along with being a member of that party, I hope it gets better. . .and sometimes people don’t REALIZE their behavior until someone tell them. . .maybe for fun you could record it and then play it back to her in private to show her behavior.

Post # 12
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’d disagree with getting a pashmina for just her… that would call more attention to her, which would probably make her even more uncomfortable, sparking even more attitude.  Not good.  Maybe you could have coverups that YOU like for everyone at the ceremony (not uncommon at all) and then just give them the option to keep it on or not during the reception.

Post # 13
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’d definitely address it directly too.  If she happens to say something soon I’d tell her it bothers you when she says things like this.  And I’d make sure she knows of all the references she’s made in the past.  That’s really disrespectful, I can’t imagine saying that kind of stuff to anyone!  She may be having underlying issues with you or the people she’s been talking about, can’t imagine what it could be, but that’s not how to handle it. 

Post # 14
Member
36 posts
Newbee

TheFutureMrsG – I just want to comment on something someone else said above, since I thought it might have made you feel badly.  You are not “forcing” your BMs to wear anything.  You asked them to be in the wedding, and as everyone knows, the BRIDE chooses the dresses and the bridesmaids pay for them.  Period.  If a bride wants to give her BMs more input with their dresses, that’s fine, but it is certainly not required.

If your BM has clothing issues then she should have declined when you asked her to be in the wedding. 

Remember, this day is about YOU, not her and her issues.

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