Post # 1
So, here’s the low down before I get to the nitty-gritty. My fiance and I have been together less than a year, he’s 34, I’m 26. I found out I was pregnant (14 weeks currently, woo!), and we decided to get married. We were going to get engaged, but just pushed it up before I really start to show. So, we’re getting married in two weeks. He’s a wonderful man, would do anything for me, and deals with my irrational mood swings. My bachelorette party is this Saturday, where we’re doing a beautiful spa day followed by a nice restaurant at night. He, however, has no idea what his groomsmen have in store. YES, I’m 100% insecure right now, I feel like you can roll me down any hill you’d prefer. The thought of his party sends me into a blind rage. The thought of strippers, women grinding on him, it makes me sick to my stomach. Marriage AND a baby?! What man wouldn’t go buck wild at his bachelor party?! Now, people keep saying if you trust him, just let it be what it is. I don’t see it like that. It’s not about trusting HIM. It’s about trusting the choices made where alcohol is involved (wooooo have I had a few doozies in my day!), and about the people throwing him into situations which may or may not be compromising. I was always slightly jealous, but not to this extent. The pregnancy has kind of shifted all my emotions into full gear! I don’t think any of us know what TRULY goes on at a bachelor party, and that worries me too. Like your boys won’t cover for you? C’mon now! I guess I’m just looking for someone to let me know they understand or have any comforting words. Negative comments are just rude while I’m sitting here playing diary on this thing. Does anyone else have that rock in their stomach? How did you handle your now husband’s bachelor party? Help a woman out!
Post # 2
Congrats on the pregnancy (and the marriage)!! I don’t have a ton of advice but I went through this 3 weeks ago. My fiance chose to go on a bachelor WEEKEND to New Orleans. I was so worried about it it made my physically sick to my stomach (I also have anxiety, so that didn’t help). He has never given me any reason to worry and is really the must trustworthy person in the world. I think all girls worry for the bachelor party, no matter what!
Long story short, I was convinced he was going to go to a strip club & had the same thoughts as you (women grinding on him, etc.). I was even mean to him over it before he left. Well, last week his best man (who is also one of my college friends) told me (without me asking!) that all they did the entire weekend was bar hop, find live music spots, and smoke cigars. And he said the whole time, my FI kept talking about how excited he was to marry me.
I think that it’s natural for us to all worry – but I also think that what goes on in our heads is much worse than what actually happens!!! Try to relax – do something that calms you down, and enjoy yourself. I’m sure you have nothing to worry about!!!!
Post # 3
I think part of trusting your fiance involves trusting him around alcohol or trusting him to make the right choice even when alcohol is involved. A grown man will not be thrown into situations he doesn’t want to be in. I would just try to relax and plan something fun for you on that night as well. My fiance went for 4 days to Vegas for his bachelor party last week and I really enjoyed the time at home. I binged on Orange is the New Black, had a girls night with the wives of the guys who went with him, got a mani/pedi, and did some shopping. It was a super productive 4 days and it just flew by! I barely thought about what he was up to. Look at it as a night for you to have some fun too!
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I don’t mean for this to sound bitchy, so hopefully it doesnt, but could any of this be stemming from jealousy that you can’t go out for a night of debauchery yourself due to the pregnancy?
Either way, I think you need to relax, maybe have a talk with him about his plans, and try not to overthink things. It is totally natural to worry a little bit. I did, and I don’t give a crap about strippers and stuff like that. I was more worried about them doing something drunkenly stupid and passing out on the street or something. My DH went to Vegas for his!
Post # 5
I think saying “I don’t trust his decisions when alcohol is involved” is exactly the same as saying, “I trust him, but I don’t trust other people.” Ultimately, what is going to happen will happen and no amount of sleepless nights or stomach rocks is going to change that. My suggestion is to talk to him. If you come off accusatory it will probably push him away from you. So instead of saying, “I don’t want you to get drunk/get a lapdance/see strippers/whatever”, say something more like, “Don’t overdo it at your bachelor party.” As for what “Truly goes on” at a bachelor party… what do you think they’re doing, having wild orgies with every woman they find? Men won’t say “We never really know what goes on at a bachelorette party.” and all of us can vouche that generally they aren’t as crazy as people think. Well, the exact same is true for bachelor parties.<br /><br />You’re working yourself into a lather for nothing.
Post # 6
Rachel8301: Just dont stress about it. Find something to do so your mind is in other places. I knew my FI was going to a strip club and i feel like they arent a big deal
Post # 7
Rachel8301: I think it’s time for the “stripper talk”. I am *never* ok with strippers and made that clear very early in our relationship. If you make it clear that you find strippers disrespectful to you, then hopefully – out of love and respect for you – he will refuse to have anything to do with them. If you don’t tell him, then he’s not psychic, and he might take it to mean that you think strippers are ok.
Lots and lots and lots of guys have bachelor parties without strippers.
Post # 8
Even if he doesn’t know what his groomsmen have planned, he should know what his boundaries are and should communicate that with his groomsmen. If he hasn’t, or if they don’t respect that, he should know how to tell them he’s not interested. If he can’t do that, he’s probably not mature enough to get married. Can you just sit him down and ask him what his expectations are and tell him what yours are and what you’re not ok with?
For my husband’s bachelor party and for ones he planned for his friends, there have always been respected boundaries. Even at some of the wilder parties, it was always made clear that no one would do something to disrespect the woman he was going to marry. If the wife was uncomfortable with strippers, then no strippers, for example. None of us wives ever dictated what the guys were going to do, but we’d all had conversations about what we were comfortable with. The guys all had a great time and nothing happened that any of the women were uncomfortable with. I don’t know why that’s so hard if everyone involved is being respectful.
So I think you’re either worrying over nothing (it’s ok, I’m a champion worrier. You’re in good company. I understand!) or you need a sit-down with your fiance. If he respects you and the relationship though, he should be ok with setting limits.
Post # 9
whoa_its_ash: No, it’s not bitchy at all, in all honesty, yes I think it does have something to do with it. Here I am, I can’t get drunk or wild at my bachelorette party, but he can go out and do what he wants. So yes, I agree with you that it does have something to do with jealousy that he has free reign and I don’t (as far as no restrictions on food or drink).
Laur12: This was very positive and helpful, I appreciate it more than you know 🙂
L-girl: You’re right, he is grown and hopefully the peer pressure left him a long while ago (like back in his 20’s! lol)
livelaughlove628: You’re right, normally they aren’t. I think I’m so hung up on how insecure I am right now that I’m turning it into a larger deal than it has to be.
aussiemum1248: You’re right, and after reading this, I decided to make myself clear in a calm manner (shocker) lol. I let him know that I would not be comfortable with the idea AT ALL, but if that’s what he decided to do then there would be boundries (such as NO touching other women and certainly no lap dances). He completely understood and agreed.
SarahCF: This was very comforting, I appreciate that! As I mentioned above, I did sit him down and speak to him. He said he really didn’t want to go to a strip club, but wanted everyone else to have a good time. I semi-understood. I told him that I’m not saying strip clubs are ok, but here are the perimeters. He was completely understanding and supportive. He’s a great guy, the whole male world just scares the hell out of me. lol
Post # 10
Rachel8301: Why don’t you just talk to him about it? If you’re getting married and having a child (yay!!!) it should not be a big deal to tell him how you’re feeling. Explain that you are not trying to nag or control him, but that you are feeling insecure about his bachelor party. Ask him if he’d be willing to set some boundaries with you, like maybe only looking but no lapdances and no touching. Remind him that he would not want you giving another man a lap dance for money, and that you are a little jealous and uncomfortable with that kind of behavior. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Years ago, my fiance had always said he couldn’t control what his friends did, but now he is in the boat that he won’t allow strip clubs or strippers to be part of his night. We’ve become huge feminists in the past year, and my fiance is not too interested in paying women to be sexy. Needless to say, this was a big relief for me becauase even though I trust him, thinking about another woman putting her breasts in his face or grinding her sweaty crotch on him sends me into a white hot rage. I’m posessive, damnit, and so I know exactly where you’re coming from.
Usually, it’s not the groom who wants the strippers, it’s his friends. We are thinking about doing a lake or beach house weekend with all our friends (bridesmaids and groomsmen) because honestly, my fiance and I don’t like to be apart and we’d have tons more fun with all of our friends together to celebrate our bachelor/bachelorette. Plus, most of my friends are guys so it’d suck to send them off to fiance’s party and I don’t get to hang out with them before the wedding. I know I’m rambling, but you need to talk to him about your feelings and come up with a gameplan together. You need to feel secure that if someone buys him a lapdance or whatever, that he will pass it off to one of his friends or refuse it.
Do you think you could ask him to talk to the guys who are planning it about where the boundaries you’ve agreed on to each other are? If they’re his good friends, they will understand and respect that.
Post # 11
Rachel8301: Not all bachelor parties have strippers, in fact, there are many that include a nice round of golf, a poker tournament night, dinner, paintball, etc. Definitely set boundaries and talk to him about it in a clear, direct way so that he can communicate his expectations to his friends. I think a good rule to follow is: if it’s something okay for you to be doing with a group of strange men, it’s okay for the “entertainment.” For example, would he be okay with you taking off your clothes and dancing around for a group of men? If not, he probably shouldn’t be okay with strippers.
Post # 12
coachhw: You’re absolutely right! I would have loved the idea of a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, that would have been ideal. We put the wedding together in roughly two months; I think the parties kind of slipped through the cracks until my girlfriends were like “bachelorette party in a week”! Then the “oh sh*t kind of crept in. I’m glad you and your husband have become feminists. You can then understand my point as to why should I feel pressured to accept that strippers are an “understood” for a bachelor party. I don’t believe they should be or that I have to accept something I do not feel comfortable with.
housebee: Excellent point! I’ll be sure to ask him if he would be comfortable with me doing that! Surely, he wouldn’t want his soon to be wife exploiting herself, or possibly his future daughter if it’s a girl!
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
Rachel8301: There is nothing wrong with not wanting strippers around. I’m the same way, I said hell no to strippers lol! If it’s something your not comfortable with, he should understand. They don’t need strippers to have a good time. I agree with PP who said to just sit him down and explain this. And your not alone when it comes to the whole stripper thing, and I dont think you should feel insecure about it either. I know a lot of women who feel the same way. I feel every relationship has its boundaries and these are yours. Just explain that to him and I think you will feel more at ease. Oh and congrats on your soon to be little one!
Post # 14
DaniDev143: I tried to explain to him that I didn’t understand the need for strippers. The response that I received was that “it’s tradition” and he didn’t wanna be “that guy to say no to his friends”. These responses actually hurt me and overwhelmed me, because I feel as though he’s completely overlooking how overly sensitive I am to this subject. He keeps saying that I don’t trust him..it has nothing to do with trusting him! It’s about how I feel on it (is that selfish), but shouldn’t he respect that? I’m sort of losing my mind right now, but thank you for the advice, and thanks on the congrats 🙂
Post # 15
Rachel8301: So he’d rather be “that guy who hurts his wife”? What he’s saying is how he looks to his friends is more important than your feelings. You could tell him that.
It’s also BS that he has to do it because it’s “tradition”. Lots of traditions are bad. Why is hurting your fiancee a good tradition? Lots and lots of guys don’t have strippers for their bachelor parties.