The Dreaded Bachelor Party -___-

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Congrats on the pregnancy (and the marriage)!! I don’t have a ton of advice but I went through this 3 weeks ago. My fiance chose to go on a bachelor WEEKEND to New Orleans. I was so worried about it it made my physically sick to my stomach (I also have anxiety, so that didn’t help). He has never given me any reason to worry and is really the must trustworthy person in the world. I think all girls worry for the bachelor party, no matter what!

Long story short, I was convinced he was going to go to a strip club & had the same thoughts as you (women grinding on him, etc.). I was even mean to him over it before he left. Well, last week his best man (who is also one of my college friends) told me (without me asking!) that all they did the entire weekend was bar hop, find live music spots, and smoke cigars. And he said the whole time, my FI kept talking about how excited he was to marry me. 

I think that it’s natural for us to all worry – but I also think that what goes on in our heads is much worse than what actually happens!!! Try to relax – do something that calms you down, and enjoy yourself. I’m sure you have nothing to worry about!!!!

 

Post # 3
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think part of trusting your fiance involves trusting him around alcohol or trusting him to make the right choice even when alcohol is involved. A grown man will not be thrown into situations he doesn’t want to be in. I would just try to relax and plan something fun for you on that night as well. My fiance went for 4 days to Vegas for his bachelor party last week and I really enjoyed the time at home. I binged on Orange is the New Black, had a girls night with the wives of the guys who went with him, got a mani/pedi, and did some shopping. It was a super productive 4 days and it just flew by! I barely thought about what he was up to. Look at it as a night for you to have some fun too! 

Post # 4
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t mean for this to sound bitchy, so hopefully it doesnt, but could any of this be stemming from jealousy that you can’t go out for a night of debauchery yourself due to the pregnancy? 

Either way, I think you need to relax, maybe have a talk with him about his plans, and try not to overthink things. It is totally natural to worry a little bit. I did, and I don’t give a crap about strippers and stuff like that. I was more worried about them doing something drunkenly stupid and passing out on the street or something. My DH went to Vegas for his! 

Post # 5
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think saying “I don’t trust his decisions when alcohol is involved” is exactly the same as saying, “I trust him, but I don’t trust other people.” Ultimately, what is going to happen will happen and no amount of sleepless nights or stomach rocks is going to change that. My suggestion is to talk to him. If you come off accusatory it will probably push him away from you. So instead of saying, “I don’t want you to get drunk/get a lapdance/see strippers/whatever”, say something more like, “Don’t overdo it at your bachelor party.” As for what “Truly goes on” at a bachelor party… what do you think they’re doing, having wild orgies with every woman they find? Men won’t say “We never really know what goes on at a bachelorette party.” and all of us can vouche that generally they aren’t as crazy as people think. Well, the exact same is true for bachelor parties.<br /><br />You’re working yourself into a lather for nothing.

Post # 6
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Rachel8301:  Just dont stress about it. Find something to do so your mind is in other places. I knew my FI was going to a strip club and i feel like they arent a big deal

Post # 7
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Rachel8301:  I think it’s time for the “stripper talk”. I am *never* ok with strippers and made that clear very early in our relationship. If you make it clear that you find strippers disrespectful to you, then hopefully – out of love and respect for you – he will refuse to have anything to do with them. If you don’t tell him, then he’s not psychic, and he might take it to mean that you think strippers are ok.

Lots and lots and lots of guys have bachelor parties without strippers.

Post # 8
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Even if he doesn’t know what his groomsmen have planned, he should know what his boundaries are and should communicate that with his groomsmen. If he hasn’t, or if they don’t respect that, he should know how to tell them he’s not interested. If he can’t do that, he’s probably not mature enough to get married. Can you just sit him down and ask him what his expectations are and tell him what yours are and what you’re not ok with?

For my husband’s bachelor party and for ones he planned for his friends, there have always been respected boundaries. Even at some of the wilder parties, it was always made clear that no one would do something to disrespect the woman he was going to marry. If the wife was uncomfortable with strippers, then no strippers, for example. None of us wives ever dictated what the guys were going to do, but we’d all had conversations about what we were comfortable with. The guys all had a great time and nothing happened that any of the women were uncomfortable with. I don’t know why that’s so hard if everyone involved is being respectful.

So I think you’re either worrying over nothing (it’s ok, I’m a champion worrier. You’re in good company. I understand!) or you need a sit-down with your fiance. If he respects you and the relationship though, he should be ok with setting limits.

Post # 10
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Rachel8301:  Why don’t you just talk to him about it? If you’re getting married and having a child (yay!!!) it should not be a big deal to tell him how you’re feeling. Explain that you are not trying to nag or control him, but that you are feeling insecure about his bachelor party. Ask him if he’d be willing to set some boundaries with you, like maybe only looking but no lapdances and no touching. Remind him that he would not want you giving another man a lap dance for money, and that you are a little jealous and uncomfortable with that kind of behavior. I’m sure he’ll understand.

Years ago, my fiance had always said he couldn’t control what his friends did, but now he is in the boat that he won’t allow strip clubs or strippers to be part of his night. We’ve become huge feminists in the past year, and my fiance is not too interested in paying women to be sexy. Needless to say, this was a big relief for me becauase even though I trust him, thinking about another woman putting her breasts in his face or grinding her sweaty crotch on him sends me into a white hot rage. I’m posessive, damnit, and so I know exactly where you’re coming from.

Usually, it’s not the groom who wants the strippers, it’s his friends. We are thinking about doing a lake or beach house weekend with all our friends (bridesmaids and groomsmen) because honestly, my fiance and I don’t like to be apart and we’d have tons more fun with all of our friends together to celebrate our bachelor/bachelorette. Plus, most of my friends are guys so it’d suck to send them off to fiance’s party and I don’t get to hang out with them before the wedding. I know I’m rambling, but you need to talk to him about your feelings and come up with a gameplan together. You need to feel secure that if someone buys him a lapdance or whatever, that he will pass it off to one of his friends or refuse it.

Do you think you could ask him to talk to the guys who are planning it about where the boundaries you’ve agreed on to each other are? If they’re his good friends, they will understand and respect that.

Post # 11
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Rachel8301:  Not all bachelor parties have strippers, in fact, there are many that include a nice round of golf, a poker tournament night, dinner, paintball, etc.  Definitely set boundaries and talk to him about it in a clear, direct way so that he can communicate his expectations to his friends.  I think a good rule to follow is: if it’s something okay for you to be doing with a group of strange men, it’s okay for the “entertainment.”  For example, would he be okay with you taking off your clothes and dancing around for a group of men?  If not, he probably shouldn’t be okay with strippers.

Post # 13
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

Rachel8301:  There is nothing wrong with not wanting strippers around. I’m the same way, I said hell no to strippers lol! If it’s something your not comfortable with, he should understand. They don’t need strippers to have a good time. I agree with PP who said to just sit him down and explain this. And your not alone when it comes to the whole stripper thing, and I dont think you should feel insecure about it either. I know a lot of women who feel the same way. I feel every relationship has its boundaries and these are yours. Just explain that to him and I think you will feel more at ease. Oh and congrats on your soon to be little one!

Post # 15
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Rachel8301:  So he’d rather be “that guy who hurts his wife”? What he’s saying is how he looks to his friends is more important than your feelings. You could tell him that.

It’s also BS that he has to do it because it’s “tradition”. Lots of traditions are bad. Why is hurting your fiancee a good tradition? Lots and lots of guys don’t have strippers for their bachelor parties. 

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