The dreaded case of the ex..

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@somersetdarling:  Oh my goodness…this would NOT be OK with me.  Don’t worry, nothing you said [in my opinion] would warrant any harsh talking on the bee’s part! 

 

I would have a talk with your in laws if you’re close with them, and tell them how you feel (if this is something you can handle) but not without first consulting in your FI with a serious talk and following up with the TWO of you sitting down with them (not in their/her home of course haha). 

 

This is just disturbing, even worse that she’s putting her nose where it doesn’t belong. Uhk!

 

Post # 4
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@somersetdarling:  You are not being a brat. Depending on your relationship with FMIL, I would tell her that it is already uncomfortable having Jane live in her house. Having her and Jane talk about you and FI, is just a little too much for you, and hopefully she understands that. It sounds like you have handled everything up to now very maturely, and trying to be the bigger/better person. 

Post # 5
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@somersetdarling:  I certainly empathize with the situation of having his Ex live with his parents. One way to put a positive spin on it is, if you are ever in a difficult situation, it sounds like they are the type of people who will be there for you too.

As far as the Ex and the FMIL talking about your relationship with your FI, honestly, i think you are overreacting. Your FI is the one thing they have in common. Of course they will talk about him, and by extension, that means you.

I would keep your head held high, not react, and not discuss the situation with your FI as there is obviously nothing he can do about it. This is a decision that your FMIL’s made. Hopefully, the Ex will move in in her life soon.

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

@somersetdarling:  I agree – you’re not over the top here. If FMIL has committed to this guest for the time being, she probably can’t tactfully get out of it now, but I think it’s worthwhile to explain to her your discomfort. At the very least, she might refrain from sharing her “Jane-isms” with you, and that in itself would probably be an improvement. And maybe, just maybe, FMIL will get the notion that she shouldn’t be having these conversations with Jane, and that would be even better. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

@somersetdarling:  ugh that would drive me NUTS. Not much you can do because you of course cant boss around FMIL about her house.

See what boundaries you and your FI can think of that can help you. Have FI share the appropriate ones with your FMIL: ie dont discuss us, if you do dont tell us about it, and be clear you two have no desire to spend time with the ex and that this arrangement is very awkward for you.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is definitely NOT ok, and your FI needs to tell his mother it isn’t.  They’re similar in ages, they’ve become friendly, and that’s ok- but this puts you all in such close and uncomfortable proximity.    

Post # 9
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

Ugh! What an annoying situation..and a tricky one. You are totally NOT overreacting…I would be annoyed at the fact she is staying with my inlaws, and furious at hearing she was talking about me and my relationship when it’s NONE of her business.

I’d say, just avoid going over, but that’s not fair to you, it’s your right to be there. You’re FMIL seems too nice to ever kick her out, and it’s her house… but I’d definitely say something to Jane about how you don’t appreciate her talking about your business. It’s not right.  I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this Frown

Post # 11
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@somersetdarling:  I think you AND your FI need to talk to her about this. Say you think she is kind for letting the ex stay there but there needs to be boundaries.

Crazy question: now that she is living there, does she expect an invite to the wedding?!

Post # 12
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

Ugh this is so annoying! I totally get where you’re coming from. I had a very similar situation with my DH’s ex. I don’t think it would be inapropriate for you to talk to FI’s parents. Be nice and don’t try to ask them not to be friends with her, but if you’ve got a good relationship with them, you should be able to just ask them not to discuss your relationship with her. I had to do that with DH’s parents when we were dating and they said they understood and they were great about it. Eventually the ex just started minding her own business.

Post # 14
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think you should at least let your FI’s mom know how BOTH of you feel. But my biggest question is: if she’s living there, why can’t she let the dogs out?

Post # 16
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Very awkward situation, for sure! But in the end, we really don’t have any control over the things other people do – we can only control our own reactions. I think you’ve been very chill about the situation, up to this latest revelation – probably more accepting than I would have been.

I guess the best you can do is just try to avoid Jane as much as possible and hope she moves on soon . . .

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