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Hello Hive,
I don't know how much the economy is affecting your weddings, but its destroying mine. My mother is gracious enough to be paying for my wedding because I am finishing up grad school. Unfortunately, FI and I are strapped for cash. He is without a job, and I can only work during the summer. Any cash I do earn goes to my non wedding related bills. Anyway, I went to go look at flowers at several places yesterday. Even with minimal arrangements, the lowest cost I was quoted was no less than $3,000. At hearing that news, my mother just broke down. She said I am no longer allowed to have any flowers, invitations, wedding day hair or makeup, or even GASP...dress alterations. I think I need to incorporate flowers at least somewhere in the day. Also, I can't just invite people by word of mouth to a formal wedding. I cant do my own hair or makeup well nor do I know of anyone who can. Lastly, I've lost a ton of weight due to wedding stress and my dress falls to my ankles. She keeps reminding me that I am costing her too much money when she had a wedding for under $5,000. This was also back in the 90's and only had 30 guests. I have looked for places to cut corners, but cannot cut anymore. My guest list is down to the minimum and I have the cheapest photography, and DJ package. Also, I got my dress dirt cheap. Unfortunately, the area I live in isnt cheap and the crappiest of dining halls are no less than $125 a head. I understand my mothers frustration but I feel like my wedding isnt even a wedding anymore. By the way my mother is not a rational woman and does not change her mind easily.
Any suggestions would be welcome. Thank you everyone.
In general, I would tell people to NOT take out a loan to fund a wedding. BUT, if you expect to be making decent money soon, can you take out a student loan? If you are in the US, you can get some tax deductions, rather than taking out a wedding loan. I couldn't work full time in undergrad, so I know they give out loans that are beyond tuition costs, to help with living costs. If you "live like a student" the first year you work, it should be easy to pay off, but please consider this carefully before you decide.
The reason I suggest this is, I would be VERY sad to not have ANY flowers or invites. Try your best to focus on the union you are about to enter into, and hopefully your mom will come around on the "no flowers, no invites, no alterations, things"....that is not very reasonable, and I'm sure she'll eventually realize it, even if it doesn't mean a lot of extra moolah from her funds.
Also, you could see if anyone on the hive has extra invites/silk flowers. I know you usually have to order in quantities of 50 or 100...maybe they have some blank ones they don't mind giving up? I know it won't be ideal if they don't match, but it's better than nothing?
Congrats on your engagement. There are lots of creative ways to cut down costs, and I too know how expensive everything costs in of all places Downtown Chicago. As far as invitations, they do not have to be fancy...Buy a reem of cardstock and have them printed at a kinkos, buy the envelopes at staples (it literally cost us less with postage than $150). DIY flowers. Ask friends and family for help (in terms of networking ) Maybe they know of a person who have the skills to help.
Or as harsh as this may sound, you have a lifetime to be together, maybe waiting a little longer for a wedding may solve a lot of the stress. You don't want to start off living your lives together with stress.
Why not have an offbeat super fantastic wedding? We are using paper flowers and candles for our centerpieces, DIY invites are super easy these days, clay flowers are a great alternative to real for the bouquets, you could have a brunch/lunch/outdoor - picnic meal...
Basically you have a ton of options, just think outside the box a bit. You don't have to have what others think of as a "dream wedding" to have YOUR dream wedding.
Nursebride, I am so sorry to hear and I definitely empathise with your situation. Obviously you need to have your dress not fall down at the wedding, so altherations should be done. But there are other alternatives for your flowers. Mr Corn and I made our own centerpieces for $4.00 a table using hurricane lamps (from sav-on-crafts), sand (from home-depot's concrete department) and sea grass (from nettleton hollow). The only florals we paid for were the bouquets and the bouts which brought our floral budget to $250. You could even order your flowers from a wholesale company and make your bouquets.
Is it possible to have a drinks, hors d'oeuvres and desserts reception? You could have beer and wine and a signature drink and that might bring your costs down.
There are also really easy ways to make unique invitations on a budget. You can purchase kits from Michaels or Target, I think you can get 50 invites with envelopes and rsvp cards for around $30. Then you can dress them up by cutting them and mounting them on contrasting card stock, or using ribbon and/or stamping as embellishments.
The most important thing to remember, and I know it sounds cliche, is that the wedding is really about the ceremony and the marriage. All the rest is just icing.
Best of luck.
--Mrs Corn
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! But I do think you might want to shop around, or revise your event design. For $3000, I'm getting ALOT of flowers, but this was only after shopping my design around to 4 different florists. Would you consider cutting your guest list and holding it in a restaurant? A few bees (Mrs. Onion and Mrs. Tulip) have both done that and had absolutely beautiful weddings. A few of the previous posters have mentioned having a dessert or cocktail reception instead of a full dinner, which would definitely cut costs. (You would need fewer flowers if you did any of these.) $125/person is also alot -- we're paying that in the Philly area for all out rentals (nice satin linens and chiavaris), steak dinner and an open bar all night.
Have you considered DIYing things like your invites, hair and makeup, or even your flowers? This site is a great resource for ideas and support on everything DIY!
PLEASE don't take out a loan. You will sincerely end up regretting it in the end.
Hope this helps a little!
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Hi Nursebride! You can still have a fabulous, perfect, MS worthy wedding. Stop stressing! It will all be fine and you will be a happily married woman very soon. First of all, what is your date? What part of the country do you live in? Here are my ideas, but obviously it depends on who you know and where you live etc etc... Do you and your FI or your mother have a backyard? Does any close friend or family have a pretty backyard or porch? Have it there. The setting alone won't call for many flowers, but if you get married in the summer or early fall, you can get some pretty and cheap potted flowers at Home Depot or Cosco (which you could also leave behind as a gift to whomever hosted your event). Rent a giant grill and have some of the guests pitch in and make some salads or apts, etc, etc. It can be buffet style and you can just rent some picnic tables. Skip the DJ and just rent the speakers and get a ipod. You probably can't skimp on the dress alterations but if you save money other places you can make room for it. Get your flowers and your bridal parties at a local flower shop and do your own bouquets. How many guests are you inviting? Can you make your own invitations? Even if you wrote some of it out by hand.... As far as hair and makeup.... go to a make up counter at the mall... have them do your make up and all you need to buy is a gloss and a blush or something. Sorry you may have already thought of all of this, but hopefully it will help lead you down the right path. Good luck!
Sorry if this sounds harsh- I don't mean it to be. But, a reality check:
I don't anything about your mother, but I think it is unfair to call her 'not a rational woman' because she is unwilling to pay more for your wedding. Remember, she isn't obligated to pay anything at all, so that anything she does give is a gift. If you are unhappy with what she can afford, consider a courthouse wedding and a small party or dinner out with friends now, and maybe a vow renewal or anniversary party when you can afford more yourself.
$3000 flowers are certainly not necessary. Neither is professional hair/makeup, a DJ, or photographer. There are plenty of people who use silk flowers (see Miss Tulip's post just now), have ipod music, and are fine with very simple hair/makeup that they can do themselves. There are invitation kits that you can get for very little money at stores like Michaels, or have them printed cheaply at places like VistaPrint. And they have wonderful weddings. Also, consider not having the wedding in a traditional ballroom/hotel/dining hall. Try looking at less conventional venues like parks, or museums, or have your reception at a nice restaurant. You can do great food for much less than $125pp, even if you're in Manhattan, if you're creative and willing to be flexible.
For full disclosure, I just got married last weekend in central VA, where costs rival that of DC since most vendors will cover both areas. We had a lunchtime wedding on a gorgeous farm with a view of the mountains for 40 people, for under $5000 (inc. everything except rings). I made all the centerpieces myself, used no live flowers anywhere, all the food and beer were local. No paid officiant, no DJ. Inexpensive starting out photographer. We paid for it ourselves. Here are the first pictures we have: http://www.houghphotography.com/blog/?p=313
Good luck with whatever you choose, and remember not to get trapped into what tv and magazines tell you that you 'need'.
Thank you for all your suggestions Hive, but my problem is that I cannot afford to spend any of my own money. My mother refuses to even give me even $15.00 more. I am kinda stuck at this point. I suppose my only other option is to attempt to save $5.00 a week so I can buy invitations or silk flowers.
peihan17: I wasn't calling my mother irrational because she wouldn't pay for my wedding. I was calling her irrational because she thinks invitations, dress alterations, and getting my hair done are unecessary things altogether. She doesn't want me to pay for it with my own money if I had it.
Nursebride, while I sympathize with you, you should have a discussion with your FI & your mother. It sounds like you want a big white wedding. But your mom can't afford it. It's not her fault. You want a wedding, that's not your fault either. But there's a LOT of room for you to get your wedding and your mom not to break the bank.
Talk to everyone what's really important and then manage the list from there. Maybe you don't need to super fancy wedding dress. Maybe you don't need flowers. Remember you're celebrating a MARRIAGE. That should be the most important part. I'm sure you guys can come up with compromises, and talk to your vendors and see what you guys can negotiate.
With a little creativity, you should be able to get a wedding that everyone can be proud of. It's not the end of the world if you can't get EVERYTHING you like. Like I said, you get to be married, that's what we all want most :) You can make a beautiful wedding from a casual setting, just pay attention to the little things.
If you can't pay for the wedding you want and your mother is only able to pay for certain things, you either can accept that or you can postpone and save up for a couple of months/years. My husband and I eloped(not due to money issues though) and we're planning a vow renewal in two summers. We're obviously paying for it ourselves and I'm putting away money each month so that we won't have to pay all at once. You could get married at city hall. Nothing is mandatory at a wedding except a bride and a groom plus a marriage license. Good Luck!
It sounds like you need to have a more detailed budget discussion with your mom. Maybe if you find out how much money she's willing to spend, you can allocate how you would want. Basically if you're considering a place that is $125 a head you could still have all of the things you talked about, but you'd just have to seriously reallocate - maybe just move the reception to a lower cost area (think an hour or so away from where you actually live). Which could be totally worth it because do you really want a reception if your dress falls down halfway through?
If where you live it is very expensive, I assume you are in a city. What about travelling a little ways outside the city, like 2 hours. The prices will drop dramatically and it could almost be like a "destination" wedding? A beautiful state park or smaller town park would be great places.
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peihan:
Wow, I love your wedding too. I wish I could have done something like that! And for the price!! I seems like it was magical.
peihan:
Wow, I love your wedding too. I wish I could have done something like that! And for the price!! I seems like it was magical.
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My catering hall and my dress were taken care of last year when the economy was in slightly better shape. That's also not the problem. I think my mother is also experiencing the sticker shock of everything as well. She comments all the time about how when she was my age in the 70's, she had a son to take care and her own home with lots of money left over. We have had the same discussion many times over that I don't know how to budget my money and that I must possibly be lazy. Unfortunately, its not like the 70's anymore, when the dollar was not only worth more, but also it stretched so much further. I get yelled at on a weekly basis because my mother wants to know where all my money goes. I try and tell her that a groceries for one averages out to about $50.00 even with the generic brands and coupons. Also, I get screamed at for spending so much gas, but with traveling to 2 jobs its unavoidable.
Unfortunately, we cannot wait a few more years because all the major things have been paid for thus far. The one thing I am grateful for is that I made sure all the major things were paid for last year, otherwise I would be worse off.
So, you are already locked in at $125? And you still want to keep it under $5000??? How many people will you have at your wedding. Or lets say, what is the fewest that the vendor will accept. 100 people at that price is already $12,500, plus taxes and gratuity if not already included. You paid for the venue already? Didn't you need an exact head count?
I'm confused. It seems like you already spent all of the $5000 that your mom is going to give you, right?
Obviously, something's gotta give.
Either your budget needs to increase - which doesn't seem the case - or your "needs" are going to have to change. Cut your guest list. No, really. Cut it more. That's the quickest way to decrease your budget. $3000 flowers? Don't need 'em. DIY invitations. Create a website for RSVPS and you can save on postage.
And the 1970's were a dismal decade for the American economy.
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Well, I hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you are refusing to compromise. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would cancel the catering hall and restart planning from scratch. Much smaller and less expensive, in all the ways that the Hive has mentioned. Either that, or postpone. It sounds like your relationship with your mother has suffered as a result of the wedding planning, which is very unfortunate.
And yes, you are right about how things are different now than they were in the 70s, but you may have to readjust your expectations for a big fancy wedding when the money just isn't there.
Nursebride - my parents experienced some sticker shock as well, exactly because they were able to have a super cheap 70's wedding. One thing that I've had to do a few times is show my parents an inflation calculator. I first started using it in high school when my parents said that they would pay for my class ring up to the amount (adjusted for inflation) that they had spent on theirs. Sometimes it's hard to gauge just exactly how much the value of the dollar has changed, but the calculator can help.
Also, like a previous poster suggested, you may want to sit down with your mom and show her a detailed budget. Perhaps that will help show her that you do, in fact, know how to budget. That's probably the first thing that should have been done, before deposits were sent out to vendors, but work with what you have now. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can work this out!
An idea for very cheap and simple invitations (as in, simple is better than none) is to print 4 invitations onto a peice of light coloured cardstock in a nice font. If you have the money, perhaps a small bow/ribbon can be added at the top. Envelopes can be bought very cheaply at places like Staples. To save on postage, hand deliver as many invitations as possible or ask a friend to deliver some of the invitations.
Is there any way that you could change your arrangement with your catering place? As in, change it to less people, type of dinner, to a cocktail hour?
Do you have a garden and how well do flowers grow where you live? If it is the right time of year, you could probably grow and make your own bouquets and boutinerries/corsages if you have any kind of a green thumb. Or, you could ask a friend to do that for you!
Good luck! I feel for you!
Are your future in-laws still insisting on this fancy place, and still only willing to pay for thier 20 people? I know it is traditional for the brides family to pay, I would have FI do a little boo-hooing. If they want something so expensive, show them how after you pay your half of the food, you will have to be wearing rags and inviting everyone in person. I'm sure if they are as stuck up as you say they are, they will dish out just so others won't think bad of them, or thier future daughter in law.
I'm not saying to beg for money, just that I know it may be them that are pushing for "fancy".
I say lose your deposit money, take your Mom's $5000 (minus deposit money) and do something cute, small, private, with limited food (apps and drinks ect).
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Hmmm...let me clarify.
$5000 is not my budget. It is how much my mom spent on her wedding and what she expected me to spend from the beginning. My mother does not seem to understand that we cannot spend that much on a wedding with all the guests we need to invite. FI's immediate family is huge. We have out a lot of people and FI's mom refuses to cut out anymore. All I have left to worry about are the flowers, invitations, and altertions. I know we can use other things to decorate the temple and the ceremony with with other than flowers. My mom refuses to let me have any decorations/flowers at all. I think it will be a pretty boring looking reception without any decorations whatsoever. I agree that I should not spend $3000 on flowers, but I don't think getting none is reasonable either. I am even totally fine with silk flowers like one person said. I just cannot get my mom to agree that there are some things we have to spend money on such as some kind of decoration. My mom is so afraid that we will go into a depression that she thinks anything else at this point is unecessary and we should save it to buy food and gas.
Nursebride!
Don't worry, there are TONS of ways to cut down costs for your wedding, you just need to keep your head up during this tough time! Trust me, no matter how little or how much money you have, EVERY bride goes through a stressful wedding planning process!!
For flowers, try farmer's market. Making your own bouquets will probably be the best bet at this point in time. Carnations are inexpensive and don't require a lot of water, so start thinking of cheaper flowers that they sell at supermarkets to use. Remember that you only need the flowers for less than a day!!
In terms of your dress, alterations are definitely something that we can't usually bypass. I'd say keep the dress you have right now and just pay for the alteration costs. You can cut costs elsewhere in your wedding.
For invitations, even plain cards that you get at Target or Walmart will do. Just print out the necessary info on the cards and you're good to go! Keep in mind that A LOT of people don't save invitations and simply throw them away after the wedding, so it's okay to cut costs in this area.
For your hair, loose curls are in this year and are definitely do-able on your own or with the help of a friend!
As for reception, try thinking of alternatives to cut down the costs in this area. Some of my friends simply had cake and punch after their ceremony, with a few platters of desserts. Schedule your wedding to happen after lunch but before dinner, so that meals are not expected.
For the ceremony, get married in the backyard of a house or even at a local park!
Trust me, there are tons of ways to cut costs. You'll have your wedding! :)
What about paper and ribbon decorations (ala Martha Steward Spring Weddings edition)? Or Origami Flowers? You could probably make lots of paper things in bright colours for effect for not very much.
A suggestion is instead of having a bridal shower for gifts for your house, etc. it could be a shower of gifts to help with decorations, flowers, etc. for your wedding! And perhaps harness some of the labour power of the people who show up! :)
Find out what your cancellation policy is for all of your vendors/caterers/the reception hall etc. If you really have your heart set on a big white wedding then I think the best thing is to postpone. If you meet with all the vendors and explain that you are not cancelling but just postponing b/c of finances/economy etc, hopefully they will understand. You'll be in a much better position next year to afford more things and hopefully the economy will be better. Also, this gives you time to DIY some things, like the invitations. Good luck!
Candi1024: Yes fiasco you were talking about is finally over. That involved FI's dad poo pooing all of our wedding plans and insisting we have lobster and filet mignon. Actually the place we picked was $135 a head. $125 a head is the starting rate in my area. Well FFIL still thought the place was a dump and I think that was only because he was mad because he couldnt have his precious lobster. He felt because he was entertaining he family, he should be able to serve him whatever he wanted. It wouldn't be fair if some got lobster while the other half got chicken.
FI's mom is a sweetheart and doesn't care where we have it or what we serve as long as we invite the immediate family. Loosing the reception hall would not be feasible at this point since 75 heads have been paid for which is approx our guest list.
I just guess I am frustrated because I gave into everyone elses demands for the other wedding aspects and the things that are important to me, I will not be able to have. I don't want my guests to just have white tablecloths and napkins. There needs to be some kind of centerpiece and my mom thinks its a waste of money.
so you have already paid over $9,000 of your $5,000 budget? I think there is a lot you can do yourself so you don't have to get your mother's approval. If you DIY the invites and centerpieces you can do it yourself super cheaply and she doesn't have to be involved.
Pinapple: $5000 is not my budget, its what my mom paid in the 90's for her own wedding.
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Hi Nursebride, I'm sorry that you are stressing. Can you enlist any bridesmaids, friends, or relatives in helping you with decor? Someone mentioned hitting the farmers market for flowers. Costco also does bulk flowers. I know you don't have it in the budget, but maybe instead of pots and pans, your aunts or friends could cover the cost of flowers.
Maybe you have a crafty friend who will DIY your invitations for you as a wedding gift. Also, Target has some beautiful stuff! Really, I was shocked and said to Miss GB 2.0, "We should have gone with these! They are gorgeous and we could have saved a lot of money!"
I'd also shop around for the alterations. I am having mine done by a tailor who doesn't specialize in weddings and the cost is a lot less than I expected. $5 a week that you mentioned being able to save might actually be able to cover your alterations pretty quickly depending on what needs to be done.
Good luck!
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You can do your own makeup and have it look professional! I used this book: http://www.amazon.com/Makeup-Makeovers-Weddings-Stunning-Entire/dp/1592332315/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213374371&sr=8-1
to learn how to do mine, and I can tell you that it is very clear and easy to follow, and at the end you'll look amazing! It's only $16 on amazon so hopefully this will help. You can probably use some of the makeup you already own, and purchase the rest on sale at a drugstore. Hope this helps!
People have given great suggestions for cutting back on decorations, diy'ing, etc. I think, though, that pp's are right as well, and maybe it's best to cancel what can be cancelled and either downsize then wedding to something that you can afford and/or your mom is comfortable with, or else postpone until you can save enough money yourself to have the wedding you want.
If your FI's parents are that concerned about how the wedding is going to turn out, I think they need to contribute some money, since apparently they're the reason you can't cut the guest list down. It isn't fun, but you might need to do a "we can only afford 30 of your people. You pick them." and see what happens from there.
As far as the centerpieces, can you see if the reception hall has anything that you can use? We're using mirrors from ours, and you can easliy find tea lights that would at least give you SOMETHING.
Nursebride,
Ideally every bride should be able to look back on their wedding day and remember it as a happy and joyous affair. If your current financial circumstance does not allow both you and your fiance to plan a wedding that is more suited to your vision of your wedding day, it would probably be best to postpone to a latter time when it would be possible. I am doubtful that you are satisfied to press on planning a wedding that is less than your vision, especially if it comes at the expense of the relationship you have with your mother.
Best of luck to you.
Seriously? You need to change your attitude and make lemons out of lemonaide. Why dont you have a destination wedding in Mexico? Alot of places down their have very affordable wedding packages and you might end up with a smaller guest list that way. Just a thought. Remember your wedding day is just one day - dont go into tons of debt just to "keep up with the jones" Best of luck.
I disagree with beachbride1008. I think you are frustrated and getting pulled into different directions. Everyone is heaping their expectations on you and YOUR ideas are getting lost amidst everyone else's opinions. Your attitude is frustrated, and that is perfectly fine.
This is what I think you should do - ask Mom how much she is willing to contribute to the wedding. Don't get bogged down in how much flowers, invitations, etc. will cost. Get her to commit to a specific dollar amount. (If you've already done this and I missed it, I apologize.)
Work backwards from there. Subtract what you have already spent. Make a list in descending order of importance - Dress alterations? Invitations? Flowers? Cake? The things at the bottom of the list can be skimped on. Also, DIY as much as you can. The Knot's Making It Personal board is great for inspiration. Etsy.com is also great to find crafty, inexpensive vendors.
Also, people who are not paying DO NOT GET A SAY. If FI's dad isn't contributing to the wedding (beyond the measly 20 folks he's "inviting"), he can poo-poo all he wants but at the end of the day, it's YOU who gets to decide what food is served TO EVERYONE. Lobster and filet too expensive? Too bad, so sad, FI's dad. Unless he wants to chip in for primo items, NO SOUP FOR YOU!
You need to take a strong stance. Don't let Mom or FIL's bully you!
Nursebride,
Go and surf www.theknot.com for a bit. A lot of the girls are great there and many DIY their items. (Iowa board is awesome and a lot of them have their own creative business and we won't care if you aren't an Iowan or not.) Get some ideas from there, then research the cost. Centerpiece examples - you want floating candles or something basic. Look at different centerpieces your like, and the candles or center items in them (Flowers, rocks, etc). www.dollartreedirect.com has great items and ships to you and all items are a dollar :) Go to Wal-mart, Target, Michaels, etc etc (depending on what you have) and look, make notes and even take pictures w/ camera or camera phone.
Show her how inexpesive it will be. Since your guest list is only 75 people and between 8 and 10 people at each table (depending on circle or rectangle) you would only need 8 to 11 centerpieces. You could make centerpieces for as cheap a few bucks each. Probably wouldn't exceed $50 if even close to that.
As for invatations, sign up for emails from Michael's or check out the paper, they often have 30 - 50% of coupons. Do what one of my fellow knotties did, get as many as you need to buy invitations and go in once a day with one coupon per day and buy on package of invites each day.
Sam's Club has wholesale flowers for a good price. I don't know what your flower choice is but look around at www.samsclub.com and they ship them freeze dried i believe.
For Fi and my wedding our budget is at $10,000 and we are paying for it ourselves. Fi didn't realize how much it would cost to get married and I am now forbidden to tell him the cost of things and he gave up on helping me plan as well. To help cut cost we are DIYing: the food, invitations, centerpieces, all decor, gift card box, etc. etc.
Take a deep breath. Go for a run or something and blow off steam then once all research is done about centerpieces, cost of alterations, inviations, and flowers; talk with your mom and explain calmy what pricing you have and if it fits better within her budget or what will fit better with in the budget. Also having some examples (Mom, look how plain this table will look without a centerpices and refer to a picture of a bear table with just a table cloth, or Mom, are you going to be the one to call everyone and inform them of the wedding date and time. Also how will they remember, do they have a day planner and will they write it down or do you feel they will forget, etc, etc.)
Come prepared to explain your side. Also let her explain hers. In my opinion, if you are on a budget and get under that budget, you did great.
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