- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
These are my previous threads about the problems I have been having in my marriage. Even just reading the titles you get the point..
.. One thing I didnt mention in the last thread was that I had been unfaithful for the past two months. I also can’t remember if I mentioned that my husband is a steriod user and has been for the past 3 years. Although I know I deserve it, I would appreciate if you are kind (or atleast not too harsh).
On Thursday night it all came to a head and my husband discovered my infidelity. He threw his ring in my face and said we were getting divorced, to pack up my stuff and to get out. He spent the night at his best friends house and I spent it at his brothers. The next day I drove to his Dad and Stepmoms house and told them what I had done. They knew of our problems as I had been confiding in them. When I told them I was unfaithful they were very understanding, they said they know what kind of girl I am, I am like their daughter and have been for the past 7 years and I wouldnt of done this unless I was at breaking point. I keep telling them that is no excuse, and I should of had the courage to stand up for myself and leave but they are still standing by my side. I have been living there since.. They are treating me so, so well.. I don’t know how I would of gotten by without them.
On the Friday I went to our apartment and picked up some clothes and our cats. He wasnt there but he had sent me a few messages telling me to “go eff myself” and also that he hated me, things would never work between us etc. I started looking for somewhere to live, and found a girl looking for a roomate in close proximity to our place. I lined up to go see that on Sunday and I went with his dad and Stepmom.. it seemed ok and in my price range (and she said I could bring the cats) so I said I would move in next saturday. I then went over to our unit to get a few more things, like my work clothes and when I walked in my husband had all my stuff packed ready to go. Taken down our wedding pictures and cleaned the unit from top to toe. His brother was there (who was my best friend until this happened) and said that my husband wanted to have a private talk with me and took his dad and stepmom outside. My husband broke down in tears, saying that he was sorry for saying he hates me, he doesnt, he still loves me but cant do this. He said I have destroyed him and he doesnt think we can ever make it work. He said one day he hopes we can be friends. He also said that I have made him so happy over the past 7 years and that if he had never found out he thinks we could of been very happy together. I was crying, apologising and saying that I still loved him but will not ask him to take me back. We parted with a hug and told him i’d be back on Saturday to get some more stuff.
Since then he has changd his facebook status to seperated. He went out with his best friend and got really drunk/did drugs (he NEVER drinks, not even at our wedding due to a condition he has and he is anti drugs). He emailed me at work yesterday about finances. He earns 6 figures, I earn just under half of what he does. I am 21, no degree, he is 26, one degree and doing his masters. He was very fair with what debts he wanted me to pay. I asked him to stop emailing (he was being civil) and I was getting emotional at work. He said he would call last night, he didnt.
I just don’t even know how I am feeling. I hate so much that our relationship has ended this way. Even though I was not happy and havent really been happy for years it was no excuse and what I have done has overshadowed everything that was good about our relationship. Some people are telling me that this is the way things were supposed to happen.. that maybe I cheated so he would leave me because I was so afraid of being alone that I never would of left him. I don’t think thats true. I think I was just so alone that I needed something to hold on to.
I have never been single. I have never lived alone. I have always had someone taking care of me, or telling me what to do. Some moments I feel empowered, like I can finally breath and start being myself and living my life.. other times I am terrified. No matter how I feel though I know we shouldnt be together. The thing I want most out of this life is to be with someone who is tender, and kind, and affectionate. Someone who has a heart that is open.. Not someone who is always angry and agressive and I have to walk on eggshells not to irritate them.
I don’t even know if I miss him. I know that I miss that comforting feeling that there is someone in the world who loves me, someone at home waiting for me.. but I don’t think I miss him, this him anyway. I definately miss the old him that I fell in love with who was sweet and funny, geeky and kind. Who used to hold me for hours and would say “I love you”.. he hasnt been that man for a long time. I think I was holding on so tightly to who he was that I just didnt accept that isnt him anymore.