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I'm a little unclear what's going on with your post - are you single now or not? There is the one line at the end about how you both still love each other that muddies the waters. If you're not getting married its one thing, but moving out sounds like breaking up with me.
My advice- just do it - people are going to find out anyways you can't avoid it. Tell them - it will be weirder if they find it out third hand (esp in the case of your mom). I won't tell you how pissed my mom was when she found out I moved in with another roommate without telling her - that's a no repeat scenario there.
Why do you have to move out? I'll assume financial reasons - but if you can afford the rent I'd try to get him to move out. Try some good old feminism. If he wants change give it to him.
If you do "have" to move out - Leave the dog with him. Until you get permanent digs you're not in any position for a custody battle. Find some temporary housing either your moms - a sisters - a friends and start looking for an apartment or ads looking for roommates (always a deal and would ease loneliness). Look at it this way - this is a good time to move - people are desperate for tenants this time of the year - you can get a good deal. Move on and out if possible. I've had girlfriends stay in the house with the guy and that is bad for the psyche.
One last bit of advice - say this fifty times out loud to yourself " He (name) can take a flying F*&! at the moon" Say it multiple times any time you get too low/ frustrated. Its very distracting to say F*&! repeatedly - always puts me in a good mood.
Thanks gaudior. Yes, we're breaking up. But we still love each other so that makes it harder. The reason for the breakup is apparently we have incompatible life goals... which completely shocked me because we have talked extensively about our plans for our life together and I thought we were on the same page. But anyway, it is what it is. I'm single again. I can leave the dog with him for awhile but probably only a couple of days - she's the best comfort system I have right now!!
This may sound harsh, but you don't love each other, you love what you had when things were good between you - the memories, the plans, things you did together, your future etc. Call your Mom or go see her and just have a chat. I am sure that no matter how much she disapproved, she will be there for you. That's how Moms are. As gaudior 23 suggested, either make him move out or move out. It will help you move on, decide about the dog. It might be nice to have somebody to care for and prevent loneliness, then again house hunting is more difficult with a pet, do what seems right in your situation.
oh smartl, i'm so sorry to hear this. i'm sure you'll find that your family and friends will be more supportive than anything else, so let them in to help you through this difficult time. but the healing starts with you, so i agree, if he has decided that he is not ready to get married and that you two cannot make it work, then so be it. move out so you can move on. his loss. keep your head up, and do what you need to do to be happy and go forward. be comforted knowing that you have your best fairy tale yet to come! :) good luck!!
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My friend was in this same situation last year. Instead of telling acquaintances the engagement was off, she bought herself a huge beautiful citrine cocktail ring and wore that on her ring finger. People figured out that the engagement was off, and then they had really nice things to say about her new ring that cheered her up.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, smarti. Best of luck in figuring things out; only you can decide what the next best step is for you. I wish you all the best.
Hey hun I am so sorry! You know how to reach me through facebook and I am here for all your comfort needs!!! I'll listen, be a punching bag - anything!
Hugs!
Hang in there, I'll e-mail you through facebook in a bit ok?
Thanks guys. That's kind of a cool idea to buy a nice ring... it would take longer for people to notice I was missing the piece of jewelry and ask questions. I don't really want to tell anyone at work, especially since it's obviously still really raw and my boss is a notoriously huge gossip so I know it will get around the office super fast.
Thanks Amber re: Facebook. I haven't told anyone in real life yet though so please don't post anything that the whole world can see!! Glad to have the support though, I think I will need it.
I'm so sorry about this. I had a broken off an engagement b/c this jerk cheated on me with his best friend's wife and a friend girl of theirs (Yes I'm talking like swinger stuff) before I met my current FH, no wedding date was set yet and no planning, but it was broken off nonetheless... needless to say I completely know how you feel. But one piece of advice- TAKE THE DOG WHEN YOU MOVE. DON'T LEAVE HER!!! He might not give her back. That is your baby and he broke this off girl, NOT YOU!
Take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship and the possibilities of what was to be. The people in your life will be supportive. Your mother may tell you "I told you so", but just when you tell her the news, tell her you don't want to hear her say that, that you just need your mom and a shoulder to cry on.
Another thing no one else mentioned- don't have breakup sex--- it is really just like rubbing salt in the wound, but worse because your heart gets broken all over.
Let us know if you need anything. Sorry again.
The best "how to tell people" story I've heard was from the founder of a greeting card business. She also had an engagement that didn't work out, but she had already sent out invitations. So she sent out new cards that said "single" on the front and on the inside it said "chose the wrong guy, gave the wrong finger."
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Baghdad Bride - that was the first thing that made me laugh all day!! That's so awesome.
Babagrlshell, thanks for the good advice. Yeah, no breakup sex, I agree that's a bad idea and I think Chris (fiance, err, ex fiance I suppose) would think so too. He's a good guy though, he would never take the dog and refuse to give her back. It isn't a spiteful breakup. He just wants a different life from me... he's a magician and also plays drums in a band and I thought the band thing was just a hobby for him but they are starting to get some major attention at the moment, and he wants to tour 6-8 months a year. He's been starting to make more and more frequent comments about touring and being on the road a lot lately but I've sort of brushed them off thinking it was just a pipe dream. But he's apparently very serious and he's absolutely right that I don't want to be living on the road 8 months out of the year or be living a rock & roll lifestyle... I just want to settle down and have kids. And really... I don't think life on the road in a band is a lifestyle that's appropriate for kids. I can't really argue with him. If he's going to insist on pursuing this dream, we're not right for each other I guess. He says he's happiest when he's performing, not when he's with me. And I've noticed for several months now he's been putting his career ahead of me and it hurts. So... he's not going to try to hurt me by taking the dog away. He just wants to be free to pursue his dreams without feeling guilty. I get that even though it sucks for me right now.
Yes it sucks for you. I'm really sorry that it took this long to find things out about his dreams but at least it was before you guys were married. From my experience, men that love dogs would do anything to keep them even if they say otherwise. I just wanted to share my advice. Its poo nonetheless. Just poo (insert actual expletive here). I'm very proud that you are strong enough in yourself not to bend on your beliefs/morals about how you want to raise your children and sticking to them when he throws this poo at you. I'm very sorry and hope everything works out for you (without mom saying told you so)... and you get your puppy. ;) Cause a girl needs nothing more than her sweet pup! Screw the jerk exes! :)
I read the same story as BaghdadBride a few years ago! I'v always remembered that story 
I think it's a great way to make light of a painful situation without necessarily discounting the fact that you're going through something difficult. Even though this doesn't sound like a spiteful breakup in which you'd tell everyone you "gave him the wrong finger," maybe sending out a similar card or an invitation to a "liberation celebration" for yourself will be the way you can let everyone know what's going on without having to make lots of painful phone calls. Out of it I am sure you will get the love, support, and laughter that you need at a time like this!
And about the dog -- if he wants to be touring 6 months out of the year, he can't really create a stable home for the pup. You should definitely argue this point if he gives you any resistance when you want to take the dog. It's the least he can do.
1. Acknowledge that you're being defensive of your ex-fiance. Yes, he was honest and broke off the engagement. However, it sounds like he could have broached this subject months ago, no?
2. Cupcake is right, ex-f cannot approprirately care for pup on the road = so puppy comes with you!
3. Sit down with ex-f and discuss future living arrangements, how you plan to tell your family/friends, cancel vendors, etc. Make an appointment to dicuss follow-up issues (i.e., if any deposits are refundable, who gets that cash?)
4. Do not have breakup sex. Too painful as a previous poster stated.
5. This may sound silly, but try to remember some negative stuff about him/your relationship. During my divorce I had the hardest time thinking of negative stuff - therefore exH somewhat stayed on a pedastel in my little mind.
6. Call Mom. Your mother will embrace her child with open arms and heart. Tell her you and ex-f have already began discussing next steps. Tell her you may want to come home to live for 6-9 months (with pup) to get your life back in order, being in a comforting, warm environment may be just what you need to help you get your emotions and life back on track.
7. Yes, this will be hard, very hard. I've been through a divorce where we had separated three times! Finally we were mature enough to realize, no matter how much we thought we loved each other, that we simply weren't the right ppl for each other. And guess what? My parents weren't completely supportive of the marriage from day one - someone our parents (usually) just know. They're kinda magic like that! They however did not judge, they told me how much they loved me, etc...
Now I'm newly-married to a wonderful, mature and infinitely kind man who makes my every day. I truly believe there is more than one person out there for each of us. I, as you will be when the time is right, was lucky to find this next person.
Last but not least, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is an extremely difficult time - my heart goes out to you! Good luck talking to your mother and remember tomorrow is another day.
For the original poster: Your post reminds me of my own situation, down to our respective ex-fiance's names (mine is also named Chris, believe it or not). We had been dating for almost 7 years, planned to get married this May. Ex-F started to have serious doubts about our compatibility in late November: he's more of a traditional type, expects wife to assume most of the responsibility for raising kids, man's career comes first, etc. I'm more like your ex-f. I love what I do, and honestly consider it my calling. Jobs in my line of work are extremely hard to come by, let alone great jobs. I was fortunate enough to get a great job. Unfortunately, it's in a city where there aren't many good opportunities for my ambitious ex-f.
Over the holidays, ex-F came to visit me in order to talk about his doubts. I did my best to calm his fears; e.g., different arrangements for child care, promises to commute, promises to relocate in a city of his choice (a huge sacrifice on my part given the aforementioned difficulty of finding *a* job in my field let alone a good job), the whole nine yards. Ex-F couldn't trust me on this. In all fairness, I have been very vocal about never wanting to be a stay-at-homer. I was very ambivalent about the idea of having kids in the first place, an attitude that gradually changed over the years. But I loved -- and still love -- my ex-f so I made all the promises I sincerely believed I could keep. After all, what is marriage without compromise? Wasn't enough. From what initially began as a voicing of "doubts" soon devolved into expressions of "I can't get married this May," "I don't want to clip your wings," "maybe I'm not ready to get married at all," and "I think we should break up." The funny thing: his pulling away was directly propotionate to my attempts to reassure him.
By the end of December I was reduced to crying and pleading with him to give me a chance. Realmente triste. After consulting with my mother and a very good friend, I realized that there was nothing left to do but depart with dignity. Making contact was only going to drive him further away. So I heeded his words and called off the wedding quietly. I also cut off all contact with my ex-f. At least for 30 days, or until I can think about him without wanting to cry for hours and hours.
It has been incredibly hard. I still cry myself to sleep. Yet going cold turkey, so to speak, has been tremendously helpful. My self-esteem had been at an all-time low during our last conversation about a week ago. Then, my ex-f actually weighed the pros and cons of being with me, as if he was deciding whether to buy me. He reaffirmed his love for me, but that's what it felt like. And of course, I was there, begging him to go through with the deal. Now, with the support of friends and family, I am at least able to focus on the tasks that demand my attention. Also on the front burner is some critical soul-searching: I am also trying to focus on the countless parts of my very human (read: imperfect) character which need fixing. To be honest, I still hope that my ex-F and I will get back together. This is likely a pipe dream, but at this stage, I have hope left. I'm stupid like that.
I write this to let you know that you are not alone. And that not contacting your ex AT ALL will do wonders for your state of being. Even if there are important matters you need to settle, get a friend or go-between. It's just too painful to settle things in a rational manner now. Also, I can't stress how helpful it is to have a trusted friend you can call when you're dying to call your ex. The worst has passed -- even for me, who is often gripped with feelings of despair and shame, feelings made all the more intense by my cultural background that frowns upon thirtysomething unmarried women -- I sincerely feel that there is nowhere to go but up.
OMG voxdeae, my exH wrote out a Pro/con list right in front of me! I sounds like you are standing very solidly on your own two feet now. Good for you!
Oh smartl - I think the girls have given you solid great advice already. Just wanted to give you a virtual {HUG} and tell you that it will all work out in the end.
I love the card idea - and people, including you rmom, should be sensitive to you at this time. I had a situation where I was with my ex for 6 yrs (had two dogs together) and a mom that kept telling me I shouldn't stay with him either. When I fnally broke it off, she was quite sensitive [more than I ever expected]. And I will tell you what she told me on a day I was very sad "You haven't met your soulmate YET" and you know what - that comforted me immensely. And now I have my soulmate. Very happy. That will happen for you one day. And take the dog by all means - he can't take care of a dog with the lifestyle and priorities he wants.
Best of luck.
I read about this web site and book written by a woman who broke off her engagement. She talked to a ton of women who had their fiances call off the engagement or had called off the engagement themselves. Perhaps these will provide some support for you. Best wishes. While it's very tough to deal with, it's so much better to have a broken engagement than to have a divorce later. http://www.theregoesthebride.com/
Thank you all for your thoughts. They are immensely helpful and comforting to me, and I'm feeling sad today of course but at least able to cope. I know I'll be okay.
One question - do you guys really think it's for the best that only one of us gets the dog and the other one just says goodbye and never sees her again? Obviously I will have her the whole time when Chris is out of town for months on end, but I didn't really have a problem with "sharing" her the rest of the time so that she'll get to see both of us. I know she's a huge comfort to me to have around and will be to Chris too. Do you think this is an unworkable arrangement? I think it would also be really confusing to the dog to have one person just disappear off the face of the planet forever.
Dealing with how to handle the separation with regards to our dog has actually been the most heart-wrenching part of this whole thing, worse than losing my fiance.
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If you have joint custody of the dog, which might or might not be good for the dog and Chris, you and Chris will have to see each other again every time there is an "exchange" of the dog between its two parents. And you will have coordinate these exchanges and exactly who has the dog when. It's just like having joint custody of a child, really.
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Honestly, I would be more worried about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">you having to see him every exchange of the dog. I come from a previous broken engagement as well, and we thought that we could keep in touch and stay friends. It would have worked but neither of us was able to move on until we just cut off communication.
Dogs are great in that they completely live in the moment I know that this sounds harsh...but I really dont think that the dog will notice. If you are really concerned about the dogs health after the split I would talk to a trainer or behavioralist. From my experience with my dogs they are extremely resilient and won't dwell on things unless we make them.
My advice is to focus on you right now and just enjoy your doggy. I know it's a sucky position to be in, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, it will get better with time.
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It would be best for the both of you (you and the dog) that only one of you keeps her. Each time you see your ex for pup exchanges, it will be difficult for you and your dog will be able to sense your anxiety.
Doing so will only extend her anxiety and mourning as she will be going from home to home with no true routine. And routine & stability are important to canines. I have two dogs and let me tell you, which I'm sure you know, when their routine is all screwed up, they act out- chewing on furniture (they have eaten a two couches and one chair between the two of them), remote controls, shoes, pee on my bedroom rug at the foot of my bed, you get the point.
Also, like I said before he's being nice now, but possession is 9/10 of the law and if he decides he doesn't want to give her back at one point in the visitation, he could take off with her.
I know I come off like "take the dog and run" but I love my dogs so much that I told my FH that I wanted the dogs put in our pre-nup and I refused to marry him unless I got the dogs in the agreement. He was shocked. But I stood my ground and well, got my way. YES, I'm aware this is neurotic, but I'm a prepare for the worst hope for the best kind of gal. Always been.
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Hi! I feel for you, as it is a difficult position to be in! I hope I'm not insensitive to other people involved when I say that you shouldn't worry about anyone else right now! You're being really considerate to your ex and the puppy when it is you who is hurting and need your consideration. I think its so sweet and wonderful of you to want to make it easy on everyone at this time, but give yourself the time to heal. Best of luck and it sounds like you know your true path at this time. Good for you!
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I'm new here and just got engaged and this is my first post, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about what you are going through.
My man and i have been together 7yrs, he's a former musician that's traveled the world and we did the whole long distance pseudo-rockstar lifestyle. From what you wrote I have to say, he is being very selfish and I can tell you that if his band and music career does not work out.... he will most likely be on your doorstep begging for you to have another go at it with him. That choice is yours, though I advise strongly against it. It's easy for guys to get carried away just because they garner a little press or have big label interest. 9 times out of 10 though, I can tell you, it doesn't pan out. And even if it does, he will be on the road and the touring musician life is one of THE LONELIEST LIFESTYLES on the planet.
Really from what you wrote, this seems to be a blessing in disguise. I mean, THANK GOD you did not marry him and THEN get hit with this after spending all the money. You hold your head up high girl. This was totally his loss, not yours. I would say that since he broke it off with you, he should be the one to leave, but I understand that financially that may not be possible. As far as the dog, if he goes on tour there is no way in hell that he can have a dog. just wont happen. Keep the dog, this was again his decision to break up the family unit. Bravo though to you for standing true to what you need and not caving in to being a tour girl or anything like that when it's not your calling.
*Hugs*
Here is the Web site for the "called it off" card that a few others have mentioned. http://www.otherannouncements.com/cards.html It looks like they are discontinung service, but it gives you some ideas on how to address things with a lil' bit of humor.
My thoughts are with you! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Chrissie thanks - there's some really funny ones on there!
To everyone - I'm doing better today. Actually got a decent night's sleep last night, which really helped, and my friends & family have been really supportive (other than my boss, who I told in confidence and specifically asked her to please keep the news to herself, as I wasn't ready to deal with a stream of people coming by to offer condolences. She started telling people anyway as soon as I left her office, and this morning has brought a steady stream of people I barely know stopping by my desk to interrupt my work and say they're so sorry to hear my terrible news). I spoke to my fiance (ex I guess) last night and told him all the things I should have told him on Saturday but was too heartbroken and shocked to think of them. I'm not feeling defensive about him anymore. I'm kind of mad at him for doing this to me, I think it's healthy to feel some anger and I know I will move past it in due time. It's a weird anger, like a low simmer rather than a hot boil, so I'm able to feel angry but still stay calm and level-headed. I haven't yelled at him or anything. The whole breakup has been oddly civilized.
We are going to try sharing the dog for the next 2 or 3 weeks and see how it pans out. If she doesn't seem to adjust to it, then we'll adjust our plans and have her go with just one of us. Probably Chris, since he's the one who works from home and I'm gone 10 hours a day at the office. I'll be the official dogsitter whenever he's out of town. But hopefully the dog will be okay with both of us sharing her; we'll see how it goes.
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My fiance just broke off our engagement this morning. It came as quite a big shock, I was not at all expecting it. It still seems very surreal; we live together and I haven't figured out how to tell anyone yet, so I'm still at home with him. I've had moments today where I'm just totally devastated and then that will be quickly followed by a feeling that this is all just a stupid, bad dream and it's not really real. I am so embarrassed to admit to everyone that this relationship that I was so sure of has been a failure. I can't stand the thought of telling my mom, because she's been unsupportive of the relationship from the start and I feel like I'm going back to her with my tail between my legs to admit she was right all along. But she wasn't; I stuck with him. I didn't break it off - he did! I still don't want to. I have no idea what to do; I have to move out, but I don't know where to go. I don't want to move back in with my parents at age 27, but I don't know what else to do. I feel so guilty too because we have a little dog together and she loves us both so much, I can't believe we're going to betray her by splitting up. She won't understand what's happening.
I'd really appreciate any ideas from anyone who's been through a breakup when you lived together with the guy and particularly if you both still loved each other. I just don't really know what to do.
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