The "Eviction" Notice and an Angry Maid of Honor

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

oh wow. well i read through all of that and it sounds really hurtful. i went through similar as i stayed with my parents when my father was ill, partly to help out.  my mum evicted me after he died. in the end though, it is your parents house and you have to conform to their wishes. its their decision, not your sisters. that said, she does sound like a right one… i sympathise.   well done on the phd!

 

 

Post # 3
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Your sister sounds like a self absorbed, entitled jerk and your parents sound like they are afraid to say no to her. If the BF has to move in, let him sleep on the couch or in a basement on an air mattress. It is totally unreasonable to pressure you to move out of your own room for him. You had an arrangement to live in your parents home until you were married and that should take priority.  

I would not make any hasty decisions about demoting them. Speak to your parents and see if there is a way that this can play out in a way that is fair and respectful to you. . 

Post # 4
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

bridetobeandphd: I think you set the tone for them to expect you to rearrange your life according to their whims. 

It’s great that you are so supportive of family but they’ve made their position clear. Why do you continue to allow them to use you? Why should your sister treat you well when you’ve clearly shown that you’re ok to sacrifice your education by compromising schools (which is crazy for an academic, IMHO)

Rent is a small price to pay for freedom. stop supporting people who don’t support you.

Post # 5
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bridetobeandphd:  Family life is great eh? (Canadian here)

I am going to ignore everything except the issue about your room.

I would have a private talk with your parents. Fiind a way to have this conversation when your sister is not around.The challenge for you is that you are obviously ok with staying at your FI’s place as you do it regularly. So you can’t argue against the move on moral grounds.

Do not bring up any other issues about your sisters in this discussion.

  Tell them how hurt you are that they would priorize his accomodation over their own daughter’s. Ask them to help you understand how they came to a point where they feel that your sister’s boyfriend’s living situation is their problem to deal with. He is an adult and likely has any number of options if he had to find something other than your room.

Then work together to find a compromise. Is there a basement in your parents’ home that could be turned into a bedroom for the boyfriend?

It will be a hard arguement for you as you can’t stand on moral grounds and you are well past the age when many young people are already living on their own. Good luck.

 

Post # 6
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sounds like your sister is manipulating your parents some way to make them stand with her. 

Post # 7
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow.. it’s a lot to read, but I’m so sorry! Your sister seems pretty terrible and I imagine that’s why your parents say you moving in with your fiance early is “easiest”… because they don’t want to deal with her. Seems like with the way she acts to you, the hurtful things she says, and suggesting you find someone else to replace them as maids, moving out early limit your exposure to constantly being put down. 

What do your parents, particularly your mom, say about the suggestions to remove them as maids-of-honor? Does she know they’re saying this? Personally, if one of my bridesmaids asked to be removed, I’d let them, no questions asked, no matter how much it hurt. It’s not your fault if they bring it up later because they asked for it. 

Give your mom one of the party packs since she’s been going with you and keep the other for yourself! You seem like a very family-oriented, educated, selfless person, but you need to think about what’s going to make you happy. You can find other maids who will be supportive and then you can still invite and include your sisters but it will then be 100% optional attendance. Just send a quick text a day or two before something comes up “oh, hey, this is not important at all, but I’m doing so-and-so tomorrow and you’re welcome to come if you want”

Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Do you have some friends you could couch-surf with for the next few months? Is there a group of roommates who might split rent down to something you could afford?

If your parents and sisters were being reasonable, you could just live in your sister’s room with her, or sleep in the living room. But it’s their house, their rules, so there isn’t much you can do with that.

Post # 9
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

So I read all of that and here’s what I would do if I were you. 

Get the hell out and live with your FI or someone who loves you. I know you want a few more months of being like “old times” but it’s not going to be like that anyways. You’re just setting yourself up for more heartbreak and hurtfulness from your bitch of a sister. 

Take her out of your wedding. Surround yourself by loving and supportive friends and family. Your sister is a brat and is not loving nor supportive and you can’t change that. Don’t “unask” her, just say “Hey Bitch, you’re a self centered brat and you aren’t in my wedding party anymore, and I’m seriously doubting you’ll be invited either.” (Feel free to paraphrase)

I know that’s probably stuff you don’t want to hear but I have a hard time having people in my life who are mean and spiteful just for the sport of it. Being a blood relative does not entitle someone to walk all over you. 

Once you make you mind up I would talk to your parents first and let them know about how deeply you’ve been hurt and that it’s going to take a lot of time to heal.

If you lived near Raleigh I would totally take you up on your offer and go dress shopping. Make sure to make a thread and post some pictures for us Bees!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Sancerre.
Post # 10
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

two questions — your sister who is in a sorority – what is up with her room?

Is there something wrong with her boyfriend that he can’t get his own place or there is some reason why a 24 year old guy needs to live with someone else’s parents?

I would be really hurt and I think that you are justified in feeling like this is just not right.

I agree that you need to have a sit down with your parents when she isn’t around and tell them that this is really hurtful to you and that while you are all about helping family you are part of that family too.

as for having them in the wedding – do you have other friends as bridesmaids that are being helpful? I don’t know if I would dump the sisters (though they definitely derserve it!) but I would definitely ask some friends who are going to be supportive and caring

I have to agree with PP though… forget the idea of “one last old time” cause it seems that a line has been drawn in the sand and I don’ think that you will be able to get that warm friendly family time regardless so maybe just cut your losses and start your new life with FI – get your self away from these negative jerks

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  .
Post # 11
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

littlemisshostess:  I think it’s the youngest sister who’s in a sorority. The middle sister is the worst one and living at home if I read everything correctly.

Did those sisters share a room before? Are there only 2 available bedrooms at home?

Is this boyfriend paying rent to the parents? If the FI not wanting to live together before marriage also? It’s a decision the parents/sister are making for both of them. 

Idk… it just seems like a toxic environment. I would not want to stay where I don’t feel wanted. 

 

Post # 12
Member
3045 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I read through everything you wrote, carefully. 

TL;dr: Fuck your sister. I think she’s manipulating you and your parents, and I don’t know that they realize what she said to you. Make sure they know, then do whatever you think will make YOU the happiest.

What I’m picking up on is that your parents are very conflict-averse. They love you all and want you all to be happy. This worked out really well for you – you are a generous, loving, kind person who puts others before herself but also has the drive to still complete the things you want for you. All the things you are saying you asked your sisters to do as “Maids of Honour” are all things that sisters should do because they are FAMILY. 

Unfortunately, your sister is not made of such stern stuff. She learned the lessons on how to be a manipulative little cow, and how to put pressure on to be the one getting all the attention, and to get everything to go her way. She focuses on the negatives until people around her move heaven and earth to turn them into positives, and then she resents the hell out of those people for not doing it faster.

The way I see it, you’ve got two options. You can either move full time into your boyfriend’s place. Disappointing because it isn’t what you planned, you don’t get that time with your Mom you wanted, and you probably will somehow feel deep down like what you are doing is shameful and wrong. (I get it. I had no problems visiting my boyfriend for three nights on the weekend when he lived an hour and a half away but when we decided to live together the fact we weren’t even engaged made me feel queasy.)  

On the other hand, you can work your parents and your sister the same way she is working them and you.  You have the power to guilt your parents right back at them, with all you’ve done for the family, blood is thicker than water, you’re trying to do things ‘the right way,’ you have tried your hardest to make things fun and togetherness and you feel like the family is closing ranks to kick you out. Why is this guy unable to live with his new stepmother? Why does HE mean more to YOUR PARENTS than you do? 

Your sister is being jealous and rude and bullying your whole family. She is toxic, manipulative, and everyone is afraid to call her on it because of her rough patch/mental illness. But being depressed doesn’t give you a hall pass to being a narcissistic, manipulative bitch to the people in your family. 

But… Do you really want to stoop to her level, and play her game? Even if you don’t go for the jugular, you’d be putting your parents in a pretty tight spot. If I had a sister like yours, I would want to completely cut her out for being such a toxic person – after the wedding. (Isn’t it so sick and wrong that our society puts brides’ behaviours under such a microscope? If you cut her out of your life BEFORE the wedding, she’ll have everyone believing it’s because you’re a bridezilla, instead of that you’re tired of having to spit out her special cunty flavour of toothpaste.)

What I would do if I were you is go to your parents (without her there, like take them out to coffee and find a private spot) and ask them if what she said was true – are they kicking you out so her boyfriend can move in? Talk to them, and genuinely try to understand their point of view. Remind them that it’s their house and the decision is only theirs – not yours or your sister’s.  It could very well be that they made some noncommittal noises when your sister brought up her ‘idea’, she ran with it, and wants to spin it to them that you were 100% on board. You need to make sure you are all on the same page, at least. And I would get it in writing – if they DO decide to kick you out – what day they want you out BY. Because otherwise you just KNOW that your sister will push you out sooner than that. 

I think they should also realize that it is very presumptuous to make this decision without the input of your FI, since they’re all just assuming that HE is okay with you being shoehorned into his place with little to no warning.

I honestly  think – so long as your FI is okay with you coming early, which hopefully he is! This is one of those ‘for worse’ times you have already promised to weather together – the best option would be for you to get out. Go live with your fiance. You won’t get struck down by lightning bolts, and if you stay your sister is going to be a douchenozzle and a half to deal with. Is that ideal? No, but you really have to roll with life’s punches.  I think you’re allowed to feel really hurt by this, and to show it. But you have to move on and live your life for you, not in the shadow of regret caused by your sister’s hurtful actions.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  babeba.
Post # 13
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

bridetobeandphd:  So I read your whole post, and I’m so sorry you are going through all of this! You have worked incredibly hard to get where you are in life, and I think it’s crazy that your family can’t just be happy for you.

I know that this is exactly what you don’t want to hear, but I wouldn’t stay at that house for another day. As a PP said, you want it to be like old times, but it’s not going to be like that when your sister is acting horribly and your parents are supporting her. She’s throwing all of this in your face because she’s TRYING to upset you. She’s trying to get you riled up and make you unhappy. Show her that she doesn’t have that power over you. Get your FI to help you load up all of your stuff and move to his place and pretend that you are thrilled about the whole thing.

I also agree that you should have a private discussion with your parents after the fact and explain how hurt you are. Bring examples of everything you’ve done to try to be supportive and that you wanted to stay in their house to maintain a close relationship with them…..and also explain that now that they’ve thrown you out, it’s going to be on their shoulders to keep up that relationship and make an effort.

Post # 14
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Wow, this sounds like a tough situation. You obviously have a big and generous heart. Your little sister really sounds like a piece of work. There really are people who never appreciate what they are given, and only want to continue to take and take, no matter the cost to the giver. There really are people who, if they can’t have something they want, prefer that no one else can have it either. Your sister has both of these super unappealing qualities. And your parents are clearly somewhat weak people who, rather then stand up to her and teach her to be a better, stronger person, just give in to her tantrums.

But here’s my advice, and maybe you’ll find it surprising: I think you should move out. You’re 27, you have a PhD, you’re about to get married, your boyfriend has a house – it’s time to move out. You can sleep in a different room than your boyfriend until the wedding is over if you want the wedding night to feel more special. But it is not worth it to stay in your family’s house and experience fighting and strife between you, your parents, and your sister.

Right before you leave, arrange to have a private talk with your sister. If you don’t think she’ll agree to this or listen to you, write her a letter. In the letter or the talk, don’t call her names (not that it sounds like you’re the kind of person who would), but just tell her, “I’m really sad and disappointed with how I have been treated by you these past few months, ever since I got engaged. I wish you had been more supportive and more excited for me. I wish you had come dress shopping with me because I know we would’ve had a good time. I wish you hadn’t taken such obvious glee and forcing me to move out of the house only a few weeks before my wedding, and put your boyfriend over your own sister. All of that really made me sad. Other people and family members have tried to comfort me about it, but it makes me even sadder that everyone else saw how badly you treated me. I just want to let you know how I am feeling, and how hurt I am by your actions.”

That’s it. Telling her things like this will not change your sister immediately. She probably won’t apologize. She may even show the letter to her boyfriend and snicker about what a sap you are. But at least you’ll have told her how you feel, and maybe those feelings will sit on her conscience for a while and eat a little hole there. She’ll have that painful thought in her head: did I really act badly? Did other people really notice and say bad things about me? Hopefully, that little hole will twinge her next time she’s tempted to act like a selfish bitch to you or someone else, and maybe she’ll choose a different course of action.

But anyway, it’s time for you to stop being responsible for your family and move on with your fiancé and start a life on your own.

Post # 15
Member
6753 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

ohnatto:  thank you for typing that all out so I can just say: Ditto.

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