- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
I’m a long time lurker but have read some amazing advice from all of you on this website and so I am hoping to get some guidance from all of you. I come from a family that doesn’t “talk bad” about other members, and this problem is embarassing to me so I don’t want to turn to my in-person friends (not that I don’t think that I will make amazing friends on this site), and so the WeddingBees are all I have. Thanks in advance for letting me get this off of my chest.
The Short Version:
I live at home with my parents. I am a little traditional and don’t want to move in with my fiance until after the wedding, although I do stay at his house approximately 3 days a week because it is 30 minutes closer to my work and it is a heck of a lot easier to plan a wedding face-to-face and not over the phone. My sister, who has not been very supportive since my engagement, informed me last night that her boyfriend’s dad is getting married and is ending the lease on the apartment that he and my sister’s boyfriend share. My sister informed me that I need to move my stuff out of my room by January and to live with my fiance because her boyfriend is moving into my room, as my parents aren’t letting them share a room. My parents, who have been dead set against us living with our significant others before marriage (because I get my “traditional” tendencies from them), are basically backing her up on this, saying that my fiance and I are “close enough” to being married. When I expressed how hurt I was by all of this, my sister blew up at me, said all kinds of horrifically insulting things, called me “selfish” for not feeling bad for her “poor, poor boyfriend” and stormed off. I can’t help but feel incredibly hurt by all of this and I don’t know what to do. Over the past few months, although she is my “maid-of-honor” she has been nothing but unsupportive and her comments and actions have led me to feel very upset. Last weekend, after a particularly upsetting series of text messages (as she won’t take my phone calls), she suggested that I revoke her and my other sister’s Maid-of-Honor responsibilities and ask other people. I am really hurt and can’t help but think that this “happy time” should not be this filled with heartbreak over the family members who I feel are pushing me away. I love my fiance. I can’t wait to live with him, but I wanted to wait until we are married. I wanted to enjoy the last few months of just hanging out with my family “like always” before I am someone’s wife. I don’t have the finances right now to get my own place (I work in a full time, non-paid fellowship to meet requirements for licensure in my field), and I don’t know what else to do. I could really use some help. (Long story to follow, if you have time).
The Back Story:
My fiance and I have been engaged for 8 amazing months and are planning to marry in September (only 10 months away!). We are so excited! He has a house about an hour away from me, and I currently live at home with my family. The long story is that I’ve always lived at home. I worked super hard in high school because I wanted to be able to go to any college that I wanted, but when it was time to go off to college my parents had hit a rough patch in their relationship, my sister (who was in high school) was diagnosed with Major Depression and was getting into all kinds of trouble, and my youngest sister was highly anxious and struggling in school. I’m in no way blaming anyone for my decision, but in light of everything going on at home, I stayed home and went to a university close enough to commute to so that I could continue to help out at home and emotionally support the people who I loved. I graduated and decided to start looking at graduate programs- being that grad school is ridiculously expensive, I decided that the most economical route would be to study close to home so that I could continue living at home (rent has been free because my parents were supportive and amazing- although we had an agreement that my “rent” would be helping my sisters through school, being the carpool driver, etc). I graduated from a Ph.D. program this past spring and am currently working in a non-paid fellowship in order to sit for my boards and start my career. In any case, I’m not blaming anyone for my choices and I feel really appreciative to have had the chance to live at home for free while studying, but I felt like explaining my living situation was an important back story as to why I’m 27, have a Ph.D. (which will come into the story later) and still live at home with my parents (I’m not a mooch, I swear).
The Maids of Honor:
I have 2 youger sisters, and so naturally, I asked them both to be my maids of honor. Before I asked, certain family members warned me that I should not make both of them my maids of honor, because they were afraid that one sister in particular would upset me more than help me, as she had been making some really hurtful comments about my engagement behind my back. Still, they are my sisters and I couldn’t imagine not including them both without hurting anyone’s feelings. Nonetheless, my sister has really seemed to have had a problem with me since I got engaged. Although I am 5 years older, when we got engaged she made some pretty hurtful comments about how she was “shocked that, of all people, [I am] the first one getting married.” She has been with her boyfriend since high school (she is now 23 and she and her boyfriend are in college), and, although they say they want to get married, at this time they want to wait until they finish school and get jobs. The night that I came home engaged she didn’t greet me with any enthusiasm. After being home with my new fiance for a while, she came strolling out of another room in the house, looked at my ring and said “oh, thats nice” (with her voice as flat as a pancake) and proceeded out of the door to go on a date with her boyfriend. It was a little hurtful, but I knew that she was upset because she really wants to be married and I am meeting that life milestone before her.
I have really tried to not rub my engagement in and I am definitely not trying to be a bridezilla. I have only asked 3 things of my sisters/maids-of-honor. The first was that, after we got engaged, my fiance’s family really wanted to meet my family. We figured that they should meet before the wedding, and that while the excitement of our engagement was fresh, it would be a natural, easy time for everyone to meet. My fiance’s family said “just say when” and they would be there, my family, on the other hand, was like herding cats to get there. Still, I requested just an hour or two of their time for lunch, made sure that we were eating somewhere just 5 minutes away from my house (so that they could quickly leave and do whatever they do to fill their time), and still, I could not get everyone together. I was upset and eventually pushed off the meeting week by week (for a total of 3 months) when other more important stuff came up in their lives (such as going to partys, etc), which really made my family look like flakes in the eyes of my fiance’s family.
The second thing that I asked of my maids of honor was to come to my graduation from my Ph.D. program. My sister had a major problem that I did not have enough tickets for her boyfriend to come. Although my family made it in time to see me walk across the stage, if it had not been for my fiance and his family saving them seats, they would not have made it (all of them)- this is because my sister was having a hard time getting ready in time for the 4:00 PM ceremony and my family all drove together. I worked really hard for my degree and it was a little heartbreaking that I was glued to the window above the ceremony hall just praying that I would see our big red van pulling into the parking lot, instead of really celebrating with champagne with my friends.
The last and final thing that I asked of them was to come with me to see my top dress choices on the day that I planned to choose a dress. I know my sisters are both in school, have busy social lives and don’t want to spend time with me and not their boyfriends, so my mom and I have been dress shopping for a few months and had narrowed the search to 4 dresses at 2 different stores. I asked my sisters three months ago to set a date that would work for them to come look at the final 4 dresses, and we agreed on a date this weekend. Bees, I was SO excited. I ran off and made dress shopping party packs (personalized with their favorite drinks, snacks, sticker sheets, a special piece of Tiffany’s jewelry and a thank you), because I really wanted them to know how much it meant to me that they were taking an afternoon to spend with me helping me to make this decision. When I sent a message to them last week to remind them, both of them sent back really mean messages about how I am being a bridezilla, am inconsiderate of the things that they want to do/am making things all about my wedding, etc. (Only later did I find out that the things that they wanted to do was basically just hanging out with their friends, which was hurtful, but I can’t control their priorities). I had my first bridal meltdown and started crying in Home Depot while a man in an orange apron was trying to help me find a lightbulb. The icing on the cake was that the sister who has been a little mean to me since we got engaged suggested that I just find new maids-of-honor. I know that if I do, they will both be angry and hurt, but in the meanwhile, I am feeling angry and hurt. Ugh. It has been terrible. Who knew wedding planning would bring out the nastiest parts of family relationships?!
Last night as I was working at home, my sister came and asked me to write her final research paper for her. This is really the first time that I have seen her or talked to her since the blow-up last week, and so I tried to gently tell her that I could not do her work for her, but I would be happy to help her if she needed it (not that I have time, but who needs sleep?). I told her that I know that toward the last month of the semester things can be hard, that it would be “fun” to pull an all nighter together like old times, and that I would treat her to a midnight coffee run. She got a little mad and said that if I am not going to do it for her, I’m worthless. I felt like she had snapped my olive branch in two, but I just let it go because I am walking on eggshells with her.
Then, at dinner, it happened. She told me that she didn’t want to be there when my parents told me “the news”, but that she actually “want[ed] to see it go down.” I was perplexed. She then said “Mom and dad want to get the floors upstairs re-done, so we have to move everything out of your room. And mom thinks you should start moving things over to your fiance’s house so that its one less thing to do before your wedding.” Sure. I thought. I have no problem slowly moving things over to his house. Then she said “Oh, and my boyfriend’s dad is moving out of their apartment and my boyfriend won’t have a place to live, so he is moving in.” I was a little confused as to why, when I wasn’t upset, she said that she was surprised that I didnt have “a bigger reaction.” I asked if there was a piece that I did not know about. She then went on to smirk and to say that she can’t believe that “a person with a doctorate could be so retarded and slow to need to have everything spelled out.” She then informed me that her boyfriend is moving into my room so I need to move in with my fiance. I need to have my stuff out by the end of the month so that he can start moving in and can be permanently in my room when his dad kicks him out in January. I was really upset and stated that I was offended that all of this was happening. I suggested other offers (I am good friends with administration at their university and could see if I could get him a year round on-campus housing scholarship) which she quickly shot down (because it is a Christian school and so she couldn’t spend the night in the non-coed dorms with him). She said I am a heartless selfish b**** because I’m just thinking about how I don’t want to move out and not thinking about her “poor, poor boyfriend”. I suggested that, since I am getting married in the summer and my other parents are paying rent for my other sister to live in the sorrority house at school, he move into my sister’s room for the semester and that I could just “crash on the couch” for the few summer months when everyone is home. She basically shot all of this down and said that I am just “scared that [my] parents are going to love him more than they ever loved [me].” After a string of other terrible insults, she stormed off.
The most hurtful part is that my parents seem to be standing by her. They said that everything will be figured out, but the easiest solution is just for me to move in with my soon-to-be husband. I explained that I was really cherishing just being their daughter for the last few months before I get married. I told them that I look forward to coming home after work and spending time with my mom and that there is a part of me that feels like this is going to be the last time that things are like this- where I’m not someone’s wife yet, I’m just a daughter and a sister and a friend. I also explained that I was looking forward to the excitement of living full time with my fiance when he is my husband. They maintain that the easiest thing would be for me to just live with him. I can’t blame anyone but myself for my decisions, but I feel like I made life decisions (like staying home for college) to help THIS particular sister through a hard time in her life, and she is being nothing but nasty to me now. I feel like I am ALWAYS there for her, waking up in the wee hours of the morning to edit her papers, staying up all night with her to study since high school, driving her where she needed to go, coming to bat for her when she was in trouble at school, and even counseling her and her boyfriend that time that she cheated on him and was devestated that they would break up. I have ALWAYS been there for her. How can she do this to me now?
This is where you come in:
Thanks for reading my super long post. If nothing else, it feels nice to have these thoughts and feelings off of my chest. Am I being a bridezilla and a selfish jerk? Do you think that I am being non-empathetic of her boyfriend’s housing problems and should just let him move into my room? Should I live off of the couch for the 9 months before I am married or move in with my fiance? Should I stand my ground? What would you do in this situation? Should I unask her to be my maid-of-honor? I am so hurt right now. I can’t tell you what your advice means to me. I’m off to try and pick my wedding dress, now. I have 2 spare party packs- anyone want to come?
- This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by bridetobeandphd.