the ex factor

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I dated a former best friend’s brother for nearly seven years. She set us up, but then hated the fact that I’d be with him instead of her and wanted us to break up. We were young and in love and there was no way a break up was in the cards for us. She treated me like complete shit, turned my friends against me, et cetera, et cetera…

We broke up on our own accord, I am engaged to the most wonderful man, he is married, and the sister is alone, doing her own thing, and not a part of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I strongly believe there are reasons why friendships/relationships break up aside from those that are “obvious.”

That being said, you have moved on (as has your ex) for a reason. Who cares if he is at your wedding? Do you really think he’ll come? I agree that you need to be the bigger person and invite her with a +1, and if he comes, he comes. If you’ve truly moved on, you and your FI shouldn’t care about his presence. I know you’re thinking it might be some foul play on the part of the sister, but don’t let it bother you!

Post # 4
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you should let it go.  Once you break up with someone, they’re free to date who they wish.  I guess I just don’t see what the problem is here.

Post # 6
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Unless there are still feelings involved, this isn’t a problem. It will only be as awkward as you allow it to be. It’s not worth making the relationship with FSIL even worse over something that, quite frankly, isn’t your business.

Post # 8
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I understand it’s awkward, but there’s no controlling what happens. The only way you could possibly have any control of this is by breaking up with your fiance and moving on for greener pastures, those that hopefully don’t include your ex. But, that’s not really an option.

So she posted pictures of her and her boyfriend on Facebook. So what? Do you post pictures of yourself and your fiance on Facebook? The fact that you dated him previously doesn’t mean she has to stay utterly silent about him on social media sites and the like. Sooner or later, you’ll have to see them together.

There will be awkwardness initially for all the reasons that you state. Suck it up. Invite them out to dinner at a restaurant. Be the bigger person. Keeping those first visits brief and quick may spare you more awkwardness at a wedding, where you may be seeing them the entire night.

It may also get you more accustomed to the new dynamic. Maybe showing happiness for your future sister-in-law’s new relationship may finally help her get warm to you again.

When it comes to dealing with the ex, small talk is key. Just a simple, “Hi, how’ve you been, how’s work, are you in school,” etc.

That said, does your fiance know about your history with this guy? While I do encourage being the bigger person and being kind to them, I can’t guarantee they’ll do the same. If any awkward mentions of your dating life come out of either of their mouths, it’s probably best your fiance hears it from yours first.

 

Post # 9
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Sapphiredreams:  Well I guess the question there is why is he that concerned? I understand some people are all weird about exes, but in this case, it’s his sister’s boyfriend. I repeat…it will only be as awkward as you allow it to be. That goes for your FI, too. What if they fall deeply in love and get married in the future? Would he plan on freaking out at every family get together?

Post # 12
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Ah, okay. I can understand how difficult it is that she’s not warming up to you at all. However, sinking to her level only guarantees that you’ll stay in this pit. Has your fiance ever approached his sister about her attitude toward you? Does he notice it? I would hope that he could approach her on your behalf and get a feel for things. It may be one step closer to resolving this mess.

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