The ex factor-someone please explain to me

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

@worldtraveler:  ~This is my explanation I cannot speak for all ~

My first boyfriend was my high school boyfriend. We grew up in the same town, knew the same kids, knew the same teachers. If I made a reference to something *hometown specific* or *high school/middle school specific* he would get it whereas my current SO wouldn’t.

My ex was a good man who was there during an important part in my life the end of high school and the beginning of college. We encouraged each other to grow nad branch out, he was there during important moments in my life that I will never again experience and vice versa.

A part of me will always belong to this ex (and part of him will awlays belong to me) because of our shared history and the fact that we were each other’s first everythings. That being said, we both understand that we would never leave our respective partners for one another. The magic of our relationship was a one time thing that could never be recaptured or emulated.

So while we both are open about how important the other is to us and how they will awlays remain with us we’re not actively hung up on one another. The love we have for each other is a fondness for a particular time in our past, for the first love of two teenagers that we once were.

Post # 4
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Edit:  Mrs Panda – (The post below me) – Nailed it!  +1

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@worldtraveler:  I could care less for my ex and he represents 10 years of my life. I can look back without anger or bitterness now and appreciate the good memories that we had, the experiences we shared, and what I was able to learn from him. However, I don’t want any of that back. He helped shape who I am today, but my FI is far better for me in every way. I don’t live with any regret.

I think people sometimes get caught up remembering the good while forgetting the bad, the lure of the forbidden fruit, and possibly boredom or at least monotony. I can’t speak from experience because he is my only proper ex, I ended the relationship, and I am glad I did. I always find it bizarre when people have ex obsessions too because I just can’t relate – have absolutely no frame of reference.

Post # 6
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

@MrsPanda99:  I could care less for my ex and he represents 10 years of my life. I can look back without anger or bitterness now and appreciate the good memories that we had, the experiences we shared, and what I was able to learn from him. However, I don’t want any of that back. He helped shape who I am today, but my FI is far better for me in every way. I don’t live with any regret.

I think people sometimes get caught up remembering the good while forgetting the bad, the lure of the forbidden fruit, and possibly boredom or at least monotony.

+1 to all of this.

Post # 7
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Good question. I have zero desire to see my ex or know anything about him really. However, I guess I could see if you were dating someone and it ended on good terms (i.e. someone moving away) that you might still have some kind of warm feeling toward them (even if not a romantic feeling).

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

oh.  I came here to talk about a music competition…

Post # 9
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@worldtraveler:  Let me preface this by saying I am not hung up on my ex and neither is he.

So, let me attempt to share my take on why people get “hung up on their ex”.

1. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. And then when the timing is right for you they are already in a relationship and vice versa.

2. If the ex dumped you and you didn’t dump them your feelings are still there and their feelings are not…making it not as easy to move on.

Also, it needs to be mentioned that A LOT of the times someone’s memory of their ex and the person who they thought they were is better than the reality.  They forget most of the bad and remember the good…

ETA: hollyberry4 +1

Post # 10
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This one is my personal experience, I can’t speak for anyone else.  I have an ex that I still think about once in a while.  We broke up for one simple reason – he wanted a family someday and I don’t want children ever.  Besides that ONE thing, we were totally compatible, head over heels in love and we adored each other.  And I left while we were still in the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship.  So all my memories of him are happy and sweet.  Thing is, I logically know it never would have worked.  I know that I would have ended up miserable, and he would have too.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m happier with my fiance, and I love him and he’s right for me.  Does that mean that I don’t get a little twinge once in a while when I’m reminded of my ex?  Nope, still happens.  It’s similar to the twinge I get when I see someone lighting up a cigarette and I remember why I liked being a smoker.  Doesn’t mean I’d go back.

As to your question, the reason why I think people go back is because they don’t realize that the honeymoon phase is just that – a phase.  They remember the good things but never had to go through the crappy parts.  So it’s a relationship that’s held up on a pedestal.

Post # 11
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m curious about this too. The only relationship I had before my FI was a mostly long-distance thing, so the break-up wasn’t too difficult for me. Also, I’m FI’s first (and last!) relationship.

FI and I have a mutual friend, however, who was in a relationship with a girl for 10 years, that ended about 5 years ago. He never recovered from it, but I used to be good friends with his ex, and she was mostly relieved about the break-up and never looked back.

Post # 12
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t really get it either, so I’m with you on this one. I couldn’t care less about my exes, and FI isn’t hung up on his either (I would never be engaged to someone who was still fond of their ex).

I think that a lot of people who are hung up on exes are unhappy in their current relationship and/or life situation, so daydreaming and reminiscing about an ex is an escape from reality, back to a time which now in retrospective seems easier and better. These rose-tinted glasses do not necessarily reflect how it really was. I don’t think such escapism is very healthy though, because the time and energy spent on thinking about your ex could be better spent improving your life in the present. Being happy in the present takes effort, so it’s much easier to just remain nostalgic about the past, even if in reality that past wasn’t particularly amazing.

A woman I know is single at 35 because she’s still hung up on her boyfriend from university (who was horrible to her and broke up with her numerous times). It’s really sad.

Post # 13
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@worldtraveler:  I don’t get it either. I will admit that my ex pops into my head sometimes, and that I probably have some emotional scars from the 5 years of on/off crap I went through with him, though. Like our past shapes us in some ways whether we like it or not. I am totally “over him”, though. Like I do not love him anymore. I don’t even really feel rage anymore. It’s funny – he sent me a ‘happy birthday’ text when I haven’t seen him/had any contact for four years. I thought he finally stopped contacting me for good when I didn’t hear from him last year. I guess not. I don’t get it. I’ve had zero desire to contact him.

Post # 15
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MariContrary:  I have an ex something like this…we were over the moon in love but we were young and distance and other things caused it to not work out for us.  We haven’t been in contact in years but I still have a fond memory of him… HOWEVER, I have no desire to contact or reunite or anything like that, i’m very much over him. I mostly hope he found someone to make him happy and share his life with.

@worldtraveler:  I’m not friends with any of my exes and neither is he and we both don’t have any contact with them.  That’s just how we both are so it works out.

I agree with PP that maybe if unhappy in their current relationship your mind may defer back to the ex because in your mind the ex is better in comparisson to who you are with right now.

Post # 16
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t really have a significant ex either, but my SO dated someone for almost 2 years. Even though she was the one who cheated on him and broke up with him twice, she had issues letting go.

 

She stalked our facebook (before everyone went private), she saw one of my friends at a mall whom she had never met before and went up to him and started talking about me, she talked to our friends about us all the time (convinced everyone that he was infact the one who cheated on her), and some guy she was seeing at the time thought she was still in love with him.

 

Things like this went on for about 2 years.

 

Sometimes people just can’t let go

 

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