Post # 1
So let me start off by first saying this… I do not have any feelings for this ex. I ended it because he was abusive… verbally, emotionally and physically. Being with him was one of the darkest times in my life (together 4 years). He is 28 and his fi is 18 (just graduated hs) they will have only been together about a year when they get married. The only reason I know these things is same circle of friends… etc.. Well this may seem weird but I feel like he is trying to beat me to the alter. Right after I got engaged he popped the question to his fi… after I set my date, they set theirs even earlier. From what I have heard this girl seems really sweet BUT NAIVE. I honestly feel kinda bad for her. I mean, does she know about him choking me and punching me and all the emotional abuse? I feel like he is hiding his true self so he can marry her. He had went and bought my engagement ring about a month before I left him, because to him I guess that equals owning me, and I wouldn’t leave.
I have this thing where sisterhood is important to me… I honestly kind of worry about this girl. She is sooo young, and he is very manipulative. He knows how to act like the “good guy”. I also noticed every time he and a girl break up, he goes for someone much younger… I was 16 when we met and he was like 21…. kinda weird when I look back on it.
I also can’t help but feel he doesn’t deserve happiness. I know their relationship is none of my business, and hopefully he has changed. Thing is he didn’t start getting violent till the last 2 years we were together. It ticks me off that he is getting married though. I just feel like he should have a red warning label on his back. lol.
So I don’t know bees. How would you react in this situation? I know there is nothing I can do, guess I just need a little support on my weird feelings.
Post # 3
Your feelings are NOT weird at all. I think it’s hard to imagine that someone who treated you like that should even get a shot at happiness.
I think it would also be helpful if you were able to ask mutual friends to stop updating him on your life, and vice versa. Not that it’s a competition (on your end), but that you won’t waste the energy thinking about this.
Post # 4
I say you don
t react. Be glad that you arent marrying him. I have lot of friends in common with my ex of five years, I told them I`m moving on with my life and if I feel the need(which I doubt I ever will) it will take me less then two seconds to message him or email him, and find out how he is doing or what he is up too. Since then they never bring him up unless they happen to be talking about an event, or friend giving me a heads up that he may be at an event I will attend.
Stop worrying about what he is doing and be happy with your marraige and all the good things coming up in your life. Why should you care what he up to and what he is doing? Don’t waste any more of your time even thinking about where he is and what he is doing. This a case where you wash your hands of the situation and say good freaking riddance!!!
Post # 5
Just be thankful your not the one marrying him! I also had a very abusive ex and would also be surprised the day I found out he was getting married but would also be relieved that I got myself out of that situation!!
Post # 6
@TwoCityBride: I totally agree, it’s just hard when things pop up on facebook, and then I am just like ugh, poor girl. lol. I pretty much have washed my hands of him, I guess this little vent was to help completely do that. I am so happy I have my fi, we have a wonderful life together. We travel all the time and I am thankful everyday I got out of that relationship. (I love traveling, would have been kept under lock and key with ex) anyways, I am rambling.
Post # 7
I felt similar when my ex got remarried- although he was not abusive, just an idiot. I did wonder if the new wife knew he doesn’t see his daughter and that his multiple creditors are calling my phone to try and find him. But ultimately, I figured she is an adult and its was up to her to check out someone she was marrying. If i warned her then I would have just come off as looking jealous and vindictive.
Post # 8
@thejill: Thank you.
@sweetchiquita12: I am so, so glad!
Post # 9
Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. When my abusive ex-husband was getting re-married, I told him if I ever heard he laid a hand on his new wife that I would let her know I’d be more than willing to testify against him in court, on her behalf. I feel sorry for that 18 year old girl, God only knows what she may be getting herself into.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: I know!!! That’s the thing, I am not jealous or miss him, etc…. I just feel afraid for that girl. I am very mother-henish. I was thinking I was crazy for feeling that way. Thanks. and thanks for sharing too!
Post # 11
@strangewaysherewecome: I’m such a mother hen sometimes, too, so I can relate! It’s about the fact that we feel compassion for the other women getting trapped into the same destructiveness we already managed to survive and our hearts go out to them.
Post # 12
If you tell her what he’s really like (which I’m not suggesting you do), you’ve got to be prepared for the very, very likely incident that she won’t believe you and he will come after you in some way. I’m honestly concerned for your safety if you do, given that you said that he was physically abusive. And I’m speaking from personal experience. My evil ex waltzed back into my life about a year ago for about a two week period. He gave me a sob story about how he’d changed and couldn’t stop thinking about me and I’d see if I met him for drinks blah blah. Well he succeeded in manipulating me into meeting him and we even kissed and he tried VERY hard to get me to go back with him but something was rubbing me the wrong way so I said no. I go back to my room and text my friend about what happened…guess what? Evil ex has a girlfriend. Has had one for almost the entire time we were broken up. A very sweet recent college graduate in the peace corps, currently in Peru.
Well, I decided to do the “sisterly” thing and inform her of exactly what happened and what he’s really like. I contacted her on fb and told her everything. She was polite about it and thanked me…but then he contacted me freaking out and calling me a psycho and threatening to sue me for slander (lol!). I later found out from a mutual friend he cried big crocodile tears and convinced her I was a crazy ex still madly in love with him and making the whole thing up.
Bottom line? Don’t do it. I know your heart is in the right place, but it won’t end well.
Post # 13
lol I know I do still see things about ex on fb. Friends sometimes for whatever reason feel the need to tell me things about my ex, I think partly becasue we all met in college and see each other a few times a year so people like to gossip or find out what going on with others. I did have to nip it in the bud. I’m not even bitter or upset it just like guys we broke up years ago can you just get over it, I don’t need to know all the details of his life. I have chosen to not be friends with him for a reason!
Post # 14
Also lets hope this girl has family in her life. Helping her out. I think in those type of situations even if you are telling the truth you come off as the crazy ex.
Post # 15
My ex is marrying his fiancÃ© next month.
I feel to write her a thank you and godbless letter.
Post # 16
I was in the same situation as you were. I broke it off with my first FI because he was extremily emotionally and physically abusive not to mention he was cheating on me with multiple people, including a bridesmaid in the wedding that I considered my best friend. It was THE WORST point in my life and I still have nightmares about him choking me, breaking my phone so I could not call for help, and hitting me in the face. Darkest period of my life and it STILL haunts me today,
He ended up dating the cousin of a close friend of mine who was a sweet, nice girl. I was SO scared for her and debated for months if I should come forward and tell her since I didn’t even know her….just knew that she was dating him. Well, the anxiety got to be so strong that I ended up telling her. The next day I got a phone call from my ex threatening to find me and kill me and “finish what he should have when we were together.” Apparently the girl broke up with him immediately after I told her and he FLIPPED. I had to change my home and cell number, and had to call the police for him threatening me. For MONTHS I walked around in fear for my life. Yes, I am glad that I “saved her” but would I do it again? No. It caused me too much pain, fear, and grief. She would have eventually found out anyway.
He has been through about 10 women since we broke up two years ago…we have a mutual friend who tells me tid bits from time to time. He obviously has a problem and I pray that he gets help before he harms himself or others.
I STRONGLY advise you to stay out of it for your own safety.