(Closed) The EX

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’ve remained good friends with several of my exes, but I don’t think it is wise for this ex to still be in your life.  If you love your fiancee and are happy with him, then your ex is going to need to move on with his life.  If he still loves you, then it isn’t healthy for him to keep talking to you. He is focusing all his energy on you, and he needs to start focusing on himself and other potential relationships.  I would send him a very caring email, stating that you really respect him as a person, but that his continued declarations of love/attempts to get back together with you are inappropriate and that you think it is best if the two of you were not in contact for awhile.  You need to take care of yourself and your relationship first, and it isn’t really fair to your fiancee to stay in contact with an ex who is still in love with you.   

Post # 5
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

If there’s not room for cheese on a wedding board then where is there?!  I say no apologies.  Helping other people with their dilemmas and providing support is why we’re here.  Post away.  🙂

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Why is he late and absent from his job… is he suggesting that it’s related to his feelings for you?

Post # 8
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Don’t worry about your posting – the only postings that shouldn’t exist are the ones where people criticize each other.

As far as your ex is concerned, his behavior sounds really controlling.  I can sympathize with the pain that people go through during a breakup.  If he feels that he made a mistake, he can have one chance to tell you that he regrets his decision and wants to get back together.  If you rebuff him, then he needs to respect your feelings and drop the subject.  Telling you that his problems at work are due to your breakup is very manipulative and unfair.  If he is having so many problems about a relationship that ended awhile ago, then he needs to discuss his concerns with a professional.  

You seem like a really nice person, and it may be hard for you to cut him out of your life.  But it’s really the best thing for him.  As long as he stays focused on you, and he hopes for a relationship with you, he won’t be able to move on and find someone who is right for him.

Post # 9
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hi Anniebear!!  So sorry to head that you’re having issues like this!!! I personally think that the best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from your ex.  Literally just cut him off from everything in your life.  It sounds rough but really in the long run it makes the most sense.  I think that if you keep someone like that around…especially after the wedding…it’s going to cause even more serious problems for you…and your marriage.  I hate to sound cold but your ex is a grown man and he’s ultimately in control of his life.  If he’s jeopardizing his own career…that’s his doing.  I think you really need to look out for yourself and put yourself first in this situation.  Like professorbee said…it’s a tough thing to do…cutting someone off cold like that…but sometimes we really don’t have room for people like that in our lives.  It’s not like you didn’t try being his friend and supporting him.  In the end it’s your ex that needs to wake up and deal with it.  In the meantime…enjoy being engaged and plan that wedding of yours!!!!!!!!!  *hugs!!*

Post # 10
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

This is a really tough problem but my advice is to end your relationship with the ex.  Yes, I know that’s harsh, and I feel a little bit mean saying it.  But sometimes, certain people just aren’t good for you anymore.  I had an ex who couldn’t get over me and he would call and try to feel out whether I still had feelings.  It really irritated my boyfriend at the time, but I felt too bad to end the "friendship."  (It wasn’t really a friendship though — it was more a leftover and inappopriate dependency on his part and pity on my part.)  I now understand that sometimes you just have to leave the shades of gray behind and end connections with people.  There are a few reasons for this:  (1) It can sometimes be disrespectful to your fiance/husband.  Although it’s true that you don’t want to be with your ex, it’s stressful for your fiance when you talk to him probably.  Why not take that stress away? (2) It’s not good for your ex.  It’s possible that you being "nice" to him just keeps him hanging on.  It might actually do him a favor to know that it is absolutely over and that he can no longer emotionally depend on you in that way, so that he can finally move on with his life.  (3) It’s better for you.  At some point, juggling all these feelings and delicacies and insecurities just gets hard.  There are a season for all things, and the season for that relationship/friendship is probably drawing to a close now that you’re getting married.

 I know I can’t possibly know the whole story and I really sympathize with you, but in my experience, sometimes you just have to cut the cord for the sake of everyone involved (even your ex).  Good luck hon and I hope it all works out.

Post # 11
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

My advice is do NOT invite him to the wedding. Absolutely not. You do not want any negative people not supporting your marraige at your wedding. Plus, if your fiance knew about what he said/is doing –about how he doesn’t want you to be engaged–and he was at the wedding, how do you think he would feel? Probably Not too good.

Second, although you may worry about him and that is only natural and an indication that you are a nice person, you have no obligations towards his actions. If he blows the situation out of proportion and neglects his job that has NOTHING to do with you. It seems like he is manipulating you…and you two aren’t even dating anymore. You can not let another persons negative actions dictate how you act and what you do for yourself. Its like not breaking up with someone because he/she has threatened that they will "hurt themself". (I know that is an extreme case). It is his issues, his problem, and only he will be the person that is in control of his actions. You can let his threats (implied or express) dictate your life and prevent you from doing what is right for you and your future hubby.

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