(Closed) THE FAVORITE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. How do you deal with this?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe you could invite your FMIL and/or FMIL and FFIL out to lunch?

Post # 4
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe next time she has a birthday or for christmas you can buy her a spa day for just the two of you? It would be a great chance for one-on-one time.

Post # 5
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sure it’s frustrating, but relationships take time and can’t be forced. Presumably, the brother’s wife has been around longer than you and had time to let her relationship with your FMIL grow. Just keep showing up and trying, and eventually you will get there. You have the great excuse of wedding planning to try and forge bonds with her- invite her dress shopping, invite her to look at venues, invite her to get a manicure or a makeup trial at a department store, ask her for advice or recommendations of florists/caterers/etc… If she is close with the other son’s wife, she presumably isn’t going to be one of those women that hates her DIL for “stealing” her son. 

Also, I think if you build a relationship with your FSIL outside of your relationship with your FMIL, it will help connect you and draw you into the circle at family gatherings.

Post # 6
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I actually have a problem similar to yours. My SO’s SIL is what we call “the golden in-law” We have all (his other siblings SO’s) been told by FMIL and other Family members(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma) that we will never be able to live up to her. I am not holding it against this girl because she is so nice and I really like her. It just sucks knowing that everything that you do will be seen as wrong, but they treat her like her like she is a god. I’m not exactly sure why they do this, but I just assumed it was because she was the first long term SO that they had in the family. I used to have a pretty bad relationship with my FMIL, she hated me and treated me badly (mostly because she assumed things about me rather than getting to know me). While our relationship isn’t amazing it has gotten alot better. I did it by getting to know them and letting them get to know me and who I really am. So from my own personal similar experience I would advise that you just try to spend time with them both alone and separate. Make an effort to be a part of their conversations. Hang out with them each alone to so you can get to know both of them better. I have found that it helps alot when you know alot about both of them and have something to talk about. 

Post # 7
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you need to relax and stop comparing and contrasting your relationship with fmil to sis in law. You should try to get some alone time and try to forge your own bond and relationship. She sounds mildly annoying, but I dealt with worse from one of my sister in law and be grateful it’s not a major issue.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@trueblue14:  +1

that’s how the former fav DIL became the FORMER.  I went out a few times with my FMIL now MIL.  You need to bust that duo up a bit.

Post # 9
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m in a similar but completely different situation — my little brother’s girlfriend (soon to be FI) and he both live super close to my parents and have dinner with them many times every week, hang out with them a ton, etc. (I live about eight hours away with my FI). Everything she does is perfect, as far as my parents are concerned. I started dating my FI a few months before she and my brother started dating, and while my family wasn’t immediately in love with my FI (especially my grandfather), they ADORE her. It’s gotten to wear my older sister and I joke that she’s the perfect daughter, and my younger brother has always been the golden child as far as my parents were concerned. 

It’s outrageously annoying. And I get guilted every time I disagree with something my mom wants to do for my wedding because my brothers girlfriend said she “would love to have something like that at her wedding.” I have no advice, just sympathy. It’s rough. 

Post # 11
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@wdbee2009 I totally understand what you mean! omg! I have the same situation, but the difference is mine is so fake and try super hard to make people to like her and trying to cut all the conversation, make her own thing. And it’s intentional work so I don’t like her. But there’s nothing you can do, just keep doing what you are doing, email or call and see how the family is doing and don’t let her to cut your conversation don’t let her take the attention from you. If you don’t want any attention or be the one who talks, then it’s fine, but it is obviously bothering you so you gotta do what you gotta do. lol…

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wdbee2009:  OMG I wish my ILs had another DIL to fawn over.  But since you don’t feel that way, I would make plans for just you and your ILs.  “MIL, we never really had a chance to talk one on one.  Would you like to come with me for a day at the spa?  Manis/pedis?”  Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree @TwoCityBride — of course these women have proximity and, they’ve probably known each other longer. Don’t worry about their relationship. When you have the opportunity to spend time alone with either of them, do it. (Personally, I *love* when people monopolize the conversation talking about themselves, because then I don’t have to talk about myself. 🙂

It sounds like they’re both friendly to you, so just relax and don’t try and force things. You don’t have to catch up to your FSIL, you’ve got many, many years. 🙂 

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