Post # 1
Today has really stung. 🙁 We just found out that we have to do a bathroom renovation .. Like, yesterday. We hadn’t planned on makin serious changes to the house for a few years! Just moved in a few months ago. I don’t care to go into detail on the house problems.
My stress is a result of the argument my bf and i had, which surprised me. Apparently he’s feeling some pressure about this ring talk (um, he started that talk though. This is confusing)
We also have been talking about “when we can replace the fridge”. Which we do need to do soon.. But money is tight as it generally is when you buy a home..
So why am I hurt? He snapped at me. “look, you want a ring, a new fridge, a new dishwasher, and now a bathroom remodel.. ” like somehow I caused the bathroom issue.. Also HE has been complaining about our traim wreck loud dishwasher so how did that get thrown into this argument?! It’s the first and only time he has ever, ever, gone passive aggressive at me and I nearly burst into tears!! I thought these were things WE wanted. But now I just feel guilty.
Sorry for my rant. Just surprised by this outburst and feel very sad. 🙁
Post # 3
Okay, so it sounds like you and your BF have a lot of newfound changes in your life and you’re adjusting. Buying a house together is a big thing; so is cohabiting if you’ve never done that before. All sorts of things pop up that can test your emotional temperament.
Sounds like your BF is reacting to the financial stress (as a lot of people are wont to do!), combined iwth the big step of buying a house with someone. I mean, it can be quite scary to make such a commitment and then find out that there are problems in the house and feel like the problems (which really ARE welcome to home-ownership problems in this case–trust me) are somehow statements regarding your relationship, a la “Um, was this a good idea?” It’s the kind of response that’s totally not rational, but can get the best of people under stress. I’d let him cool off a bit and then I’d sit down and have a nice talk.
I’d first discuss what needs to be done with the house and what you can afford and how you will pay for it. It’s not fun to address the money anxiety or house stresses, but you both will probably feel better once you articulate the nuts and bolts.
And then I’d probably explain how you feel and explain why you are hurt. But as important as it is for you to be heard–and it is important–if you really want to enter into marriage with this guy, it’s important for you to demonstrate to him that you want to be a team and that you’re committed to wading through the home ownership stresses together. So you have to communicate understanding and forgiveness as well. Good luck!
Post # 4
Sounds like you guys bought a house instead of a ring, and that you’ve already prioritized the money away from the ring. Just a gentle reminder that real estate is a better investment than a ring, and a better example of committment and stability. Get engaged without a ring if it’s really the committment you want and not just the bling.
Post # 5
Thanks for the words of advice.
A quick clarification: I bought the house, not “we”. But we moved in at the same time. We wanted to live together before making that kind of commitment.
ETA: Yeah, I realize the irony of the above statement. Wewere having the “future talk” and we opted to not co-sign a mortgage. It just worked out that way. We both feel like it our house.
Post # 6
I’m sorry, it sounds like you are under a lot of stress. Buying and maintaining a house isn’t easy! I think that you should talk with your BF. Make a list of home improvements that absolutely can’t wait. Then prioritize those in the order that they have to be done as well as an estimate of how much money you need. I think you should also explain your hurt feelings to your BF. I think both of you are in a transition and under a lot stress. I doubt he understood how much that statement hurt and I bet he didn’t intend for it to come off like it did. Have you discussed a budget for a ring? If you have, can you reduce that at all? Money issues are one of the biggest stresses in a relationship so communication is key that in that area, in my opinion.
Post # 7
Honestly, it sounds like he’s just stressed out and using this as an outlet. Don’t take it personally! I’m sorry things are like this 🙁 a heart-to-heart honest conversation and maybe some financial planning could help settle it all. Good luck!
Post # 8
Thanks- I needed someone to just hear me be sad.
We have a ring budget, and the few that I picked and emailed to him (at his request) are almost 1/2 of his budget number. (I don’t want something super blingy when we are trying to make this house our own..)
We did have a timeline and list of house things that need to be taken care of. Just, the bathroom problem is huuuuge. We weren’t planning on that so soon!
Im sure he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. He’s never snapped at me like that before so he must REALLY be stressing. 🙁 I will try to find a way to remind him that we will be okay. We will do what it takes to fix the master bathroom and just take things one step at a time.
I am just so ready to not be waiting anymore..
Post # 9
It sounds like he just really really wants to be able to give you all of those things and is frustrated that he can’t. Some communication will surely smooth things over. Good luck with everything.
Post # 10
Maybe when things calm down, you can discuss the commitment level of your relationship, since it sounds like you are already engaged without a proposal and ring, LOL. I see no reason you can’t ask him what he wants out of the engagement, because guys think about it as much as we do. Is he worried he won’t be able to afford the ring of your dreams? Worried that he won’t be able to surprise you like he wants? Starting an open, friendly conversation with no arguments and keeping it light may help you understand where he’s coming from, and help him see your side.
My FI and I had that talk before we were engaged, we were at a rough point financially and he was feeling pressure to become engaged and I was feeling like it would NEVER happen. When it came down to it, I explained that if we waited to buy the ring of his dreams we would never get married, and for what? A ring wasn’t important, etc. and we ended up being engaged with no ring within a week…and I was still surprised! I got my ring eventually, but I was just so happy that I didn’t mind the extra wait.
Post # 11
It sounds like a lot of stuff has happened all of a sudden financially, so maybe the budget he gave you isn’t really feasible anymore, which is frustrating him? Maybe once you’ve both cooled down you could sit down and have a talk about where things are going and when and talk about what’s going on with your finances. He may just be feeling pressured too, possibly from outside forces, to provide all these things and it’s getting overwhelming for him..
Post # 12
The only time we have ever really fought was when we bought our first house! Its a hugely stressful time and the crappy part of owning a house is that things break and need replacing. It can take a few of these issues to happen before you find your groove as a couple and how each of you reacts to finances.
Word of advice: our dishwasher has been broken for over a year now. We arent going to replace it anytime soon because there are just more important things about the house to get done. Its one you can throw off the list until a later date.
I am sure he just felt the pressure of the house along with marriage and everything all in one big hit and he doesnt really mean what he said.
Post # 13
Update: we had a finances talk, and also spoke with a trusted friend (who happens to be a structural engineer..) that said the bathroom remodel could wait a few years! So we can SAVE for the renovations we actually want instead of re-allocating currently saved money for a fix! Yay!!!
The ring did not come up, nor did my hurt feelings a few nights ago. I was more interested in us finding a solution instead of him just feeling bad for snapping at me.
Huge relief over here.
Post # 14
@scarlet_letter: It sounds like from your last comment, things are going to work out great! You have a lot of stressful life changes happening at the same time, so tension is bound to come up a little here and there. To help manage expenses with the home, I would strongly recommend you look into a home warranty. They can be super helpful with addressing problems like you mentioned with appliances and other things that may go wrong and they are not very expensive. That way, next time something breaks or is about to break you won’t have to stress out so much about how much it will cost.
Popular ones here are Old Home Republic, and American Home Shield. If you have a real estate agent you trust, they should be able to help. Just make sure you read the fine print and have a full understanding of what they cover. Good Luck!
Post # 15
The whole snapping at you thing could have been a result of the male ego feling he should be able to afford to provide for everything…. AND if you are the one who bought the house, no matter the state of your finances, seperate or combined, he may feel a bit of a male-type sting at times. I know my BF has made comments before about how he wished he made enough I’d not have to work, and also, though we have similar jobs and make about the same income (I make slightly more having a degree and being in the field 7 years longer, but as a woman make less than he would in the same circumstances) since my paycheck eeks out a bit more, he feels he’s not the breadwinner, and it DOES hurt his ego.
It’s cray, but even in the 2000s, men place their self worth a lot on their net worth… while women still place a lot of it on the r/s status, or desirability. Even those of us who try to buck the system still face others judging us accodring to their system of worth-measurement. And, just as an aside, you never know what careless comments your SO has faced about waiting from his own friends, co-workers and family. Guys can be put off by waiting comments, too, especially if they factor around, “When are you going to save up and buy that girl a ring already?” Especailly if he’s trying and money is tight.
I’m glad the remodel can wait. Money is a hard issue for almost all couples, even those not living paycheck to paycheck, and it’ll be good to get used to having these dicussions without hurt feeings. I’m glad you were able to talk about it better later.
Post # 16
@MissCoCo: Thanks for that– we actually do have. Home warranty for 1 year. We’ve been reading the fine print regarding the current issues so maybe that can help. 🙂
I am a big saver. He saves but only if he has a specific project in mind 😉