(Closed) The first “waiting” disagreement :-(

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Okay, so it sounds like you and your BF have a lot of newfound changes in your life and you’re adjusting. Buying a house together is a big thing; so is cohabiting if you’ve never done that before. All sorts of things pop up that can test your emotional temperament.

Sounds like your BF is reacting to the financial stress (as a lot of people are wont to do!), combined iwth the big step of buying a house with someone. I mean, it can be quite scary to make such a commitment and then find out that there are problems in the house and feel like the problems (which really ARE welcome to home-ownership problems in this case–trust me) are somehow statements regarding your relationship, a la “Um, was this a good idea?” It’s the kind of response that’s totally not rational, but can get the best of people under stress. I’d let him cool off a bit and then I’d sit down and have a nice talk. 

I’d first discuss what needs to be done with the house and what you can afford and how you will pay for it. It’s not fun to address the money anxiety or house stresses, but you both will probably feel better once you articulate the nuts and bolts. 

And then I’d probably explain how you feel and explain why you are hurt. But as important as it is for you to be heard–and it is important–if you really want to enter into marriage with this guy, it’s important for you to demonstrate to him that you want to be a team and that you’re committed to wading through the home ownership stresses together. So you have to communicate understanding and forgiveness as well. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sounds like you guys bought a house instead of a ring, and that you’ve already prioritized the money away from the ring. Just a gentle reminder that real estate is a better investment than a ring, and a better example of committment and stability. Get engaged without a ring if it’s really the committment you want and not just the bling.

Post # 6
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m sorry, it sounds like you are under a lot of stress. Buying and maintaining a house isn’t easy! I think that you should talk with your BF. Make a list of home improvements that absolutely can’t wait. Then prioritize those in the order that they have to be done as well as an estimate of how much money you need. I think you should also explain your hurt feelings to your BF. I think both of you are in a transition and under a lot stress. I doubt he understood how much that statement hurt and I bet he didn’t intend for it to come off like it did. Have you discussed a budget for a ring? If you have, can you reduce that at all? Money issues are one of the biggest stresses in a relationship so communication is key that in that area, in my opinion. 

Post # 7
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, it sounds like he’s just stressed out and using this as an outlet. Don’t take it personally! I’m sorry things are like this πŸ™ a heart-to-heart honest conversation and maybe some financial planning could help settle it all. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like he just really really wants to be able to give you all of those things and is frustrated that he can’t.  Some communication will surely smooth things over.  Good luck with everything.

Post # 10
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe when things calm down, you can discuss the commitment level of your relationship, since it sounds like you are already engaged without a proposal and ring, LOL.  I see no reason you can’t ask him what he wants out of the engagement, because guys think about it as much as we do.  Is he worried he won’t be able to afford the ring of your dreams?  Worried that he won’t be able to surprise you like he wants?  Starting an open, friendly conversation with no arguments and keeping it light may help you understand where he’s coming from, and help him see your side.  

My FI and I had that talk before we were engaged, we were at a rough point financially and he was feeling pressure to become engaged and I was feeling like it would NEVER happen.  When it came down to it, I explained that if we waited to buy the ring of his dreams we would never get married, and for what?  A ring wasn’t important, etc. and we ended up being engaged with no ring within a week…and I was still surprised!  I got my ring eventually, but I was just so happy that I didn’t mind the extra wait.  

Post # 11
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It sounds like a lot of stuff has happened all of a sudden financially, so maybe the budget he gave you isn’t really feasible anymore, which is frustrating him? Maybe once you’ve both cooled down you could sit down and have a talk about where things are going and when and talk about what’s going on with your finances. He may just be feeling pressured too, possibly from outside forces, to provide all these things and it’s getting overwhelming for him..

Post # 12
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The only time we  have ever really fought was when we bought our first house! Its a hugely stressful time and the crappy part of owning a house is that things break and need replacing. It can take a few of these issues to happen before you find your groove as a couple and how each of you reacts to finances.

Word of advice: our dishwasher has been broken for over a year now. We arent going to replace it anytime soon because there are just more important things about the house to get done. Its one you can throw off the list until a later date.

I am sure he just felt the pressure of the house along with marriage and everything all in one big hit and he doesnt really mean what he said.

Post # 14
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@scarlet_letter:  It sounds like from your last comment, things are going to work out great! You have a lot of stressful life changes happening at the same time, so tension is bound to come up a little here and there. To help manage expenses with the home, I would strongly recommend you look into a home warranty. They can be super helpful with addressing problems like you mentioned with appliances and other things that may go wrong and they are not very expensive. That way, next time something breaks or is about to break you won’t have to stress out so much about how much it will cost.

Popular ones here are Old Home Republic, and American Home Shield. If you have a real estate agent you trust, they should be able to help. Just make sure you read the fine print and have a full understanding of what they cover. Good Luck!

Post # 15
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

The whole snapping at you thing could have been a result of the male ego feling he should be able to afford to provide for everything…. AND if you are the one who bought the house, no matter the state of your finances, seperate or combined, he may feel a bit of a male-type sting at times.  I know my BF has made comments before about how he wished he made enough I’d not have to work, and also, though we have similar jobs and make about the same income (I make slightly more having a degree and being in the field 7 years longer, but as a woman make less than he would in the same circumstances) since my paycheck eeks out a bit more, he feels he’s not the breadwinner, and it DOES hurt his ego.  

It’s cray, but even in the 2000s, men place their self worth a lot on their net worth… while women still place a lot of it on the r/s status, or desirability.  Even those of us who try to buck the system still face others judging us accodring to their system of worth-measurement.  And, just as an aside, you never know what careless comments your SO has faced about waiting from his own friends, co-workers and family.  Guys can be put off by waiting comments, too, especially if they factor around, “When are you going to save up and buy that girl a ring already?”  Especailly if he’s trying and money is tight.

I’m glad the remodel can wait.  Money is a hard issue for almost all couples, even those not living paycheck to paycheck, and it’ll be good to get used to having these dicussions without hurt feeings.  I’m glad you were able to talk about it better later.

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