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My FI and I have been going through a little bit of parents wants vs our wants as well. It came down to... It had been a decision WE made TOGETHER. So, if we bend on something that we wanted for our wedding to appease our parents... at what point does it stop? Probably not just with our wedding. It's your wedding... I think that FI needs to learn how to stand up to his parents, especially since they orig. didn't want to contribute and the only money they want to contribute is for their friends... not for their son and future DIL. That to me is what really would irk me if I was in your shoes. Why is spending an extra couple grand for their guests OK when they weren't OK doing it for their own kid?
It's a tough situation, though I don't find it completely unreasonable. If this had been the case from the get-go, I would say fine, take the $ just to appease them. But since you've already spend a considerable amount of time figuring out the buffet, I don't think you should cave on this instance. Just tell them you've already decided on someone for catering, and that's that.
In the future if they want to pay for things because they want to, such as the flowers etc, I say just let them. It might seem snobby to you, but they just want the wedding to be nice, even though it might come across as condescending to you.
@KLP
Precisely ... I am irked too that they have no problem throwing the money around to accomodate their guests, but not their son. Especially because they keep saying to everyone "Oh we're so happy and thrilled that our eldest son is getting married etc" ... right, your eldest son IS getting married ... and he is only planning to do this once ... so why don't you go on 4 exotic trips next year, instead of the 6 you usually take, and help us with the wedding ... and again, I would have no problem with the fact that they aren't paying for it, but I do take issue with the fact that they want their fingers in everything. And yes, will it stop here? Will it extend when we start our own family, buy our own house etc.
@Noelle
I'd have no issue with these things if they told us at the beginning, don't tell us to plan to do what we want ... and then tell us that what we want isn't good enough for you and your guests. Tell us what you want, and then we can tell you how much money we'd need you to throw in, and plan from there. But don't let me plan for 6 weeks for nothing. Bah.
Remember, this is YOUR wedding, not theirs. Do it how you want it, and if they don't think it'll be good enough for their friends, then they don't have to invite them. Sorry, but if you let them get their way with this, then they'll think they can do it in other aspects of your lives. Put your foot down now, before its too late. Just cuz they have money does not make them superior to you, and your FI needs to stick up for you and not his parents. Once you two make a decision, he needs to stand by that decision and not waiver if his parents are unhappy.
I agree tell them you want a more casual feel with a buffet as a way to put your foot down. The wedding needs to have the feel you want and not what will impress their friends. I understand how you feel though, decisions are tough for me so when I make one, I don't want to have to change it.
I am with you 100%! This is YOUR wedding and YOU are paying for it, so YOU call the shots! If they think their friends will be embarrassed at your wedding, as someone else said, they dont' have to invite those people (which has the added benefit of saving you more money!) Make sure your FI is supporting you in this, and that the two of you are presenting a united front. Just be very forward, ie Look, you guys told us you weren't contributing financially to the wedding and that we should have the wedding WE could afford. We have invested a considerable amount of time and resources into doing things on our budget. As it stands we have already finalized our eating arrangements. Or whatever.
I think if you can't get past this attitude you have about his parents and THEIR money,you are destined to be miserable in this relationship. While your words are saying one thing,what comes across loud and clear is the resentment you have over the 'HIS parents have' and 'mine don't', but we're willing to pay...It really is none of your business how they spend their money or how many vacations they take a year. I'm sure they've earned the right to do as they wish and not apologize to anyone for their choices.
Some of what you said makes no sense to me. If your FIL's said at the beginning they wouldn't be contributing, I'm assuming that means they were approached about it? Why then did your FI have to tell them how much it might cost at all? What difference would that make?
It sounds like you have issues with the future in-laws perhaps run deeper than just the wedding? This is something you should work out (with your fiance) before you get married. It could be as simple as deciding on the kind of relationship you want with them and the level of interaction you have with them in your life.
As for the wedding... hey, it's your wedding. If you want a buffet, have a buffet. If they don't think it's fancy enough, they can host a party in your honor that's dripping in ice sculptures and caviar... after the wedding!
@Smyley
Its not that I resent that "they have" and "I don't", it is that of anyone involved, his parents should understand most about the etiquette surrounding "those who are paying, get a say" ... they are trying to have their cake and eat it too. If you don't want to pay, than that is fine, but you get to do as my aunt is doing ... sit back and allow FI and I to plan what we are comfortable with. So I resent the fact that they are forcing their ideas and desires on us, when we are responsible for the wedding as a whole.
When we announced we were engaged, FIL invited us over for dinner, and it was then that FFIL said (without us prompting) that they would not be paying. Which is fine, would it have been nice ... sure, does it confuse me why they wouldn't want to help out with their eldest son's wedding (they have no daughters and one other son), sure ... but I've gone my whole life without having the "nice" things in life and have made do. FFIL is the type of person that must have a say in everything (and yes, this will be a challenge for me to cope with ... but I'm marrying FI not his father), which is why he approached FI and wanted to know what we were working with, so he could then input how much needed to be spent where.
So yes, FIs parents have earned their money and have earned the right to spend it on whatever they choose, but they have not earned (or spent money to earn) the right to have a say in deciding how FI and I are planning this, and since they can put in, and won't ... I have even less desire to be flexible in the view of our wedding to accomodate what they want to see.
@NotQuiteK
Sure, there are some adjustments that still need to made with respect to the FIL and how they view those in a socially and economically lower position than them ... but for the most part, we get along fine. FMIL and I have a good rapport ... FFIL, well, everyone just takes what he says with a grain of salt and goes on with it.
FI and I have talked, because the reality is, that I haven't been parented in 18 years, and I'm not going to start once I am a married woman, FI has been wanting to get from under his father's thumb for years ... but is only now developing the courage to do so ... this conversation on the weekend will be the first example of said courage.
Since you say FI and you are wanting to go the buffet route - then stick with it!!
Since FMIL talked to FI about the 'appropriateness' of the buffet - FI will need to tell her that you two talked to over and the buffet is what made the most sense with the budget and how you two plan to move forward. End of story. FMIL will protest, so Fi will need to be strong and stick to his guns. He should be gracious about it and thank her for her generosity in offering but the wedding will be a buffet (have him state the reasons you mentioned (except maybe the part about your aunt)).
I could TOTALLY see them nitpicking every decision and throwing money at it to 'upgrade' so they have the event they want. DON'T DO IT!!! It sounds like it's just the beginning. But, this is also time for you two to really be on your own and start making decisions as a unit. Since you mentioned FI wanted to get out from under his dad's 'thumb' this is a great way to do it. If they keep insisting on 'upgrades', just tell them that you decided early on in the planning process that this was something you would do together, with the money you had available, and this is the type of wedding you want. If they don't/can't/won't respect that, there isn't much you can do - except for keeping their knowledge of the details as quiet as possible until the big day.
Good luck!!
Do you think they planned to pay the whole time, but wanted to see how much you were willing to spend. Rather than give you a lump sum, they wanted to "lower" your expectations?
@iswimibikeirun
Well, if that was the case ... the execution didn't go off so well, because I've spent a lot of time planning for a buffet, if the plan was all along to pay for a sitdown dinner ... then I would have planned for a sit down dinner. And now I'm at the point, where I actually like my 'lowered expectations' wedding ... rather than what my initial thoughts were.
Hmm. I guess there's no way you can tell them that you want to just go back to your more limited guest list too, either is there?
It sounds like you're ready to proceed with FFIL's financial assistance. That might be the first step in FI getting from under their thumb. It may just be a way to continue to control him.
I think they are being extremly frustrating!
You should tell them specifically that you've spent a lot of time planning for a buffet and this type of casual wedding and have gotten attached and tell them how hard it is to keep a coherent wedding vision if elements get changed around unpredictably. You'll have to repeat this several times in a nice tone of voice because they won't want to "hear you" the first time as legitimate reasons. They are legitimate though! If you keep repeating they'll be forced to realise what kind of inconsiderate they are being.
You might also have a formal sit down talk with them re what do you want from our wedding? Tell them, if you don't tell us now what is important to you it'll be harder to accomadate later. We want this to be fun/happy for you so we're happy to talk now but if you don't say anything it's going to be planned the way we want. Upfront.
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This is related to my post "their guest list is huge and they aren't paying for the wedding" ... but because I need advice on the current situation (the huge guest list pales in comparision) I am doing a separate thread.
Brief recap, FI and I are paying for the wedding, I come from a family that has no cash, FI comes from a family who does.
When we got engaged and annouced it to FIs parents, they let us know that they would not be helping with the wedding (we kind of hoped they would offer, because they do have the cash), but that was fine ... FFIL (he who controls the money) told FI over a lunch that FI and I should set up our budget and do something we could afford.
So that is what we did, FI let his father know what our realistic total budget was, and so FFIL was in complete awareness that what we would realistically end up doing would be a buffet.
Which, of course, is what FI and I realized too ... that we couldn't afford to do a sit down dinner properly, as I'd much rather just have a simple buffet than a half assed sit down.
FI and I planned to do our own appetizers (in the form of what we could buy from Costco/Sam's Club), and our own bar (we would plan to host the wine and the non-alcholic drinks, and charge like $2 for beer, $3 for mixed drinks [if at the end of our budget, we could afford to host more of the bar, of course we would]).
So we started researching caterers to do a buffet dinner, we canvassed a bunch of different ones, had decided between two, met with one ... and decided to go with the other and were working on finalizing that so we could go this weekend to sign the contract. The whole process has taken about 6 weeks.
So, on Tuesday FMIL (who FI believes was working on FFIL orders) called FI and informed him that a buffet would not be appropriate, that we would have to do a sit down dinner. They "of course" (I say this sarcastically) would pay for the increase to in staff to do a sit down ... not even considering that this changes the whole entire vibe of our wedding, and I have wasted the last 6 weeks of my time organizing a buffet. Not to mention ... that THEY TOLD US to go and plan according to our likes, and now they are changing the game!!!
FI and I talked on Wednesday and said we would talk to his parents on Sunday to see what they would be offering, because just offering to pay the increase isn't enough. Though FI said if the cost to do a sit down would be significant, he wouldn't be comfortable asking his parents to put in more.
According to my calculations, it would roughly cost $3,000 more in staff and rentals to do a sit down dinner, in addition to the $1,600 we would already be expecting them to put in for their guests (which they had already previously offered and agreed to) ... so I don't think FI is going to feel comfortable asking them to put in anything more. Plus, I think that once they hear that we are planning to do a cash bar and no flowers as decorations, they will take issue with that and pay for those too. (Our original plan for a simple and low key, and low cost wedding, is completely fine with FI and I, and we think that 95% of our guests wouldn't blink an eye at what we plan to do ... it is only FIs parents who don't like this, and don't think that THEIR guests would enjoy themselves at our simple wedding).
However, I don't want to do a sit down ... maybe if that was the plan from the start, I would have been fine, but FI and I decided on a buffet, and I've been looking into that, and have kind of settled in my mind that a buffet is what I want. I think it is more value for your dollar, and your guests get more choice, and can eat less if they want, and usually have seconds if they want. I think, realistically, that 90% of my guests (including my aunt [who is pretty much my mother]) would prefer a buffet over a sit down.
SO, if we are doing a sit down, only to appease his parents and their guests, then ... the only way that is going to be appealing to me, is if they are going to lower OUR costs as well. If at the end of the day, FI and I would be spending the same amount of our own money going with our original plan or going with his parents demand, ... then, I want to stick with our original plan. If going with what his parents want, would save us money (because they will pay above and beyond the additional costs), then it is worth considering.
But I can see this ruffling feathers, which I'm fine with ruffling ... but I don't know to what extent FI wants to ruffle feathers. Though, he is finally starting to learn that his parents offering to pay for costs they are causing us to incur, is not the same as contributing to the wedding cost, and therefore doesn't mean they get to have much more say. Contributing is when it is saving FI and I money.
So ... how should I proceed? (Sorry this took forever to read)