- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
This is related to my post “their guest list is huge and they aren’t paying for the wedding” … but because I need advice on the current situation (the huge guest list pales in comparision) I am doing a separate thread.
Brief recap, FI and I are paying for the wedding, I come from a family that has no cash, FI comes from a family who does.
When we got engaged and annouced it to FIs parents, they let us know that they would not be helping with the wedding (we kind of hoped they would offer, because they do have the cash), but that was fine … FFIL (he who controls the money) told FI over a lunch that FI and I should set up our budget and do something we could afford.
So that is what we did, FI let his father know what our realistic total budget was, and so FFIL was in complete awareness that what we would realistically end up doing would be a buffet.
Which, of course, is what FI and I realized too … that we couldn’t afford to do a sit down dinner properly, as I’d much rather just have a simple buffet than a half assed sit down.
FI and I planned to do our own appetizers (in the form of what we could buy from Costco/Sam’s Club), and our own bar (we would plan to host the wine and the non-alcholic drinks, and charge like $2 for beer, $3 for mixed drinks [if at the end of our budget, we could afford to host more of the bar, of course we would]).
So we started researching caterers to do a buffet dinner, we canvassed a bunch of different ones, had decided between two, met with one … and decided to go with the other and were working on finalizing that so we could go this weekend to sign the contract. The whole process has taken about 6 weeks.
So, on Tuesday FMIL (who FI believes was working on FFIL orders) called FI and informed him that a buffet would not be appropriate, that we would have to do a sit down dinner. They “of course” (I say this sarcastically) would pay for the increase to in staff to do a sit down … not even considering that this changes the whole entire vibe of our wedding, and I have wasted the last 6 weeks of my time organizing a buffet. Not to mention … that THEY TOLD US to go and plan according to our likes, and now they are changing the game!!!
FI and I talked on Wednesday and said we would talk to his parents on Sunday to see what they would be offering, because just offering to pay the increase isn’t enough. Though FI said if the cost to do a sit down would be significant, he wouldn’t be comfortable asking his parents to put in more.
According to my calculations, it would roughly cost $3,000 more in staff and rentals to do a sit down dinner, in addition to the $1,600 we would already be expecting them to put in for their guests (which they had already previously offered and agreed to) … so I don’t think FI is going to feel comfortable asking them to put in anything more. Plus, I think that once they hear that we are planning to do a cash bar and no flowers as decorations, they will take issue with that and pay for those too. (Our original plan for a simple and low key, and low cost wedding, is completely fine with FI and I, and we think that 95% of our guests wouldn’t blink an eye at what we plan to do … it is only FIs parents who don’t like this, and don’t think that THEIR guests would enjoy themselves at our simple wedding).
However, I don’t want to do a sit down … maybe if that was the plan from the start, I would have been fine, but FI and I decided on a buffet, and I’ve been looking into that, and have kind of settled in my mind that a buffet is what I want. I think it is more value for your dollar, and your guests get more choice, and can eat less if they want, and usually have seconds if they want. I think, realistically, that 90% of my guests (including my aunt [who is pretty much my mother]) would prefer a buffet over a sit down.
SO, if we are doing a sit down, only to appease his parents and their guests, then … the only way that is going to be appealing to me, is if they are going to lower OUR costs as well. If at the end of the day, FI and I would be spending the same amount of our own money going with our original plan or going with his parents demand, … then, I want to stick with our original plan. If going with what his parents want, would save us money (because they will pay above and beyond the additional costs), then it is worth considering.
But I can see this ruffling feathers, which I’m fine with ruffling … but I don’t know to what extent FI wants to ruffle feathers. Though, he is finally starting to learn that his parents offering to pay for costs they are causing us to incur, is not the same as contributing to the wedding cost, and therefore doesn’t mean they get to have much more say. Contributing is when it is saving FI and I money.
So … how should I proceed? (Sorry this took forever to read)