i wish you had put a poll so I could be anonymous since I’m usually ‘that’ poster, lol, but I do like to speak up when I have a thought 🙂
I haven’t read either of those books as they just aren’t my type of reading preference. But I do know the gist of what they are about and the type of chapters that the OP is referring to. I come to the idea of marriage from (seemingly) a very different place than a lot of other bees on WB. I would only want to marry as a result of finding that special someone. What I mean is, I’ve never in my life said ‘I want to be married’ for the sake of being married without a candidate in the flesh. Does that make sense? I think of marriage progressing this way: date a person, get to know them, fall in love, want to spend the rest of our lives together, get married. So for me, the idea of marriage would never even enter my head if I didn’t already find the person I don’t want to live without. So if they weren’t ready and weren’t in the same place as me at the time then it’s a small detail to me compared to not having them in my life. So not getting married wouldn’t be worth not being with that person since they are the only reason I’d want to be married anyway.
What I see a lot, is women (and men, I have a male friend like that) that want to be married before they’ve ever even dated anyone. Like as a child, they just want to fall in love and be married, without ever actually meeting someone to naturally evolve that desire first. So for me, it’s hard to relate sometimes to ‘waiting’ in a negative manner. I tend to view it as wanting marriage more importantly than the person you are wanting to marry and for me that’s the backwards way to go about it. It might be because my parents have been married 46 years and are giddy in love still, so I have always grown up or I guess been taught that you will find a person that will move you into wanting to marry THEM and them only. A few bees have kindly shared their different views from time to time, and it’s definetly helped me understand them more 🙂 I still can’t relate my own views at all but at least I’ve got a bit more insight into why they desire the actual ‘being married’ part so much.
I don’t believe that everyone knows if they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone after 1 year, 2 years, 1 month – everyone is different. It’s been 7 years for me and my bf, almost 8 now, and we are just now slowly thinking about marriage, but not for romantic reasons. If he had insisted that I push aside my own ‘unreadiness’ years ago to cater to the fact that he was ready, I’d be turned off. It’s easy to be on one side of the issue and say ‘if he loved me and wasn’t ready he would just do it to make me happy’ but then why not equally ‘if she loved me and I’m not ready she will just not do it to make me happy’. I have never felt like I needed to ‘stand up for myself’ in my relationship because we aren’t at odds over anything so I’m sure that puts me in a different place, too.
I had said in another post that I just don’t see the pressure, convincing and threats to make a partner get married before they feel it’s ‘their’ time or readiness as any different than pressuring, convincing or threatening your partner to have sex before the feel it’s ‘their’ time or readiness. I could guarantee that I could find a post by a waiting bee, change all of the ‘propose’ to ‘have sex’ and ‘he’ to ‘she’ and repost it and it would get ripped apart on here as being wrong and controlling. Would you tell a man that he should not put up with his Girlfriend not having sex with him as it allows her to drag her feet about it? Or would you tell the Girlfriend that if she really loved him and it was important to her Boyfriend or Best Friend and something that he clearly needs, she is selfish or doesn’t love him for not having sex with him? Real question.
SORRY THIS IS LONG – I TYPE THE WAY I TALK! Lol