Post # 1
So one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man and I are at an impass in our friendship. Ww’ve been friends our whole lives, but go through frequent periods of not seeing/speaking to each other at all. She is very…self-absorbed I guess you could say. She was a later addition to my bridal party, after a year-long stint of us not speaking, she suddenly reappeared in my life and was all gung-ho about our friendship. If you asked me now why I asked her to be in the wedding, I probably couldn’t tell you.
Last week I emailed her and told her that I was frutsrated with her disappearing act again. When she’s around, she’s a GREAT friend. When she’s off chasing her latest obsession, she is the worst. At this point I don’t know if it’s worth salvaging our friendship. Fiance doesn’t think that she is someone who will continue to be in our life long-term. Do I want a friend like that? More importantly, do I want this person to be IN our wedding? She emailed me back and basically told me that if her friendship wasn’t what I wanted/needed that was my choice. So basically I think she’s forcing me to make the decision to conitnue our friendship or not. I don’t know what to do. I want us to stay friends, but at this point I’m not sure if I want her to be in our wedding. I’m not thinking about un-asking her, I’m trying to decide if our friendship is worth salvaging. Maybe the time has come for us to go our separate ways, because let’s face it, not all friendships are forever. The thought of us not being friends anymore def makes me sad, but at the same time, she doesn’t really bring anything to my life, so it’s not like I’d really be missing out. Agh I don’t know what to do! Should I keep her friendship and keep her in the wedding? Will I regret not having her in the wedding one day? Or do I just let her go and focus on all the other great friends who do enrich my life in so many ways??
Post # 3
@mrs_g.mck: her email reply said it all to me. Continue planning your wedding as you have been and just stop inviting her to events or asking her things. She will eventually get the message and you can both move forward.
Post # 4
This is a tough situation, but you are definitely thinking it through! From what it sounds like, you guys have been going your separate ways for a while now. If you are questioning your friendship with her now and her being in the wedding, then I would say let it go. You want this to be all happy and as easy as it can be. It sounds like she doesn’t really care since she’s letting you make the decision about your friendship. I’m not you, so I don’t know if one day you’ll regret not having her there, but from your post my advice would be to let her go. If somehow you guys mend things down the road then that’s great, but it doesn’t seem to be heading in that direction. Best of luck with your situation =)
Post # 5
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: I agree completely!
@mrs_g.mck: My only recommendation is that you choose those people that you consider life long friends that would be there for you to be in your wedding party. I’m not sure the girl you mentioned fits that description. Good luck!
Post # 6
@mrs_g.mck: You have my sympathies, for making such a tough decision at such a special time in your life.
Personally, I went throught a ‘Best Friend Breakup’ a couple of years ago. It was hard, because we’d been best friends since high school, but as we grew older, I realized how very different we were. Like you, I came to realize that some friendships don’t last forever. And although it is definitely sad when they come to an end, there is a reason (or reasons) why you feel the way you do. To put it into perspective, think to yourself: “Would I put up with this kind of behaviour from a boyfriend?” If not, then you shouldn’t put up with it from a girlfriend, you know? You deserve to have people in your life who love and respect you. Don’t be friends with someone because you feel obligated, or for old times’ sake.
In my opinion, good friends don’t bring drama and negativity into your life. If she’s not bringing anything to the relationship, and your life, then it’s time to move on. I think you’re more likely to regret having someone in your wedding party who you are no longer friends with down the road, than not having them in the party at all, but still having their friendship.
ETA: I think that if you ask her to step down as a bridesmaid, then you risk losing her as a friend – and to me, I think that it won’t be a great loss to you, your wedding, or your life. It might sound harsh, but I just think that life is too short to force friendships with people like your friend.
Post # 7
Thank you everyone! I did try to call her tonight, because I wanted to talk to her about this (not through email) and surprise surprise she didn’t answer. She’s a coward. We were supposed to have lunch today to discuss everything, instead she cancelled last night (via text) and then sent me this email this morning. The fact that she can’t even pick up the phone to talk to me about this, only reinforces that my friendship is not important enough to her.
I think that I am going to take the advice here and not respond to her email or talk to her about wedding things anymore. I have a feeling that she will just fade out of my life and then I won’t have to be the bad guy. I think that is what she wants, for me to make the decision so that she can blame it all on me. *rolls eyes*
Thanks again ladies, I appreciate it!!!
Post # 8
I’d like to mention another possible explanation for her behaviour. Do you think she could have depression? A common thing for depressed people to do is to hide from the world. This includes dodging phone calls and disappearing for long periods. It would also explain her e-mail response if you think of it as coming from somebody who is feeling very low about herself at that point.
Does any of this seem to fit what you know about your friend?
Post # 9
@lemma— yes she does suffer from (seasonal) depression. we’ve been through this several times before. the issue is that she finds a new “hobby” and becomes 100% obsessed with it, and if anyone in her life doesn’t share the same obsession, she basically ignores you until the newness wears off….last time she joined the circus, no joke. I have always been there for her, and supported all of her dreams and hobbies, but she is completely incapable of supporting other people. And I’m not even talking about the wedding, I just mean supporting me in my life in general. She did this same thing to another mutual friend of ours, who warned me that she would do this to me as well. I gave her a second and third chance before, but I jsut don’t think it’s worth it anymore. I’m the only one who ever tries, and from her email response, she clearly does not care that she treats me this way.
Post # 10
@mrs_g.mck: Has she sought treatment for her depression? It sounds like it could help.
I’ve only read your paraphrased version of her e-mail, but it seems to me like it could also be taken to mean that she feels like she’s not good enough for you and she understands if you want to stop being friends with her.
Keeping a relationship with a sick person is often difficult, and it’s completely understandible if it has become too hard for you.