The Home Buying Process Is Bringing Out The Worst In Us… (Vent)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I feel for you, home buying/selling is stressfull no matter what the situation is. Fi and i sold my last house and bought our new one last year, and we were bickering constantly.. It was not a happy time for us. Just to get through this process as best you can, with as few low blows as possible, and once your past all the chaos, it’s time to sit down with your FI and set up new ways to manage his money.

Post # 4
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I totally get it.

Before we bought our house,me and FI fought very, very rarely. In the last couple of months though we’ve ebeen arguing a lot more – about the house.

Also had a delay because he hadn’t changed some paperwork over – even three years after it was meant to be done!

Post # 6
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh dear!  Sending you a big hug first.  I can sorta relate (not the same but maybe it’ll help).  About 5 years ago, FI was in the coast guard.  He had to hand off all his finances to his sister for two years while he was in.  She has always helped him since then, until this past year, when he and I took it back.  He has never liked dealing with money, it makes him nervous and scared.  We bought our house this past August, and the only way we could get through closing was to have his mother at closing (yes weird but it helped).  She basically put her foot down on him and told him he needed to sign and get over his money anxiety.  I ended up taking over almost all the finances, paying the mortgage and all the bills.  FI puts in his share at the end of the month (we will join accounts after we get married).  For now this helps him out and keeps him less stressed, plus I’m type A, and I love being organized and ensuring everything is as it should be.  It’ll take time, but it’s good you know your finances and can teach him and help him.  Hope it gets better!

Post # 7
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh that would be so irritating. My FI takes care of his own finances, but I feel like his parents held his hand until he was about 20-years-old (not so much with money, but just in general). I am super independent and I couldn’t fathom the way he was with his parents (and no he wasn’t an only child, but I am). At one point I told him that he just needed to cut the cord. I couldn’t take it. He was calling his parents for every.little.question. I was like, “google it for crap’s sake!” lol


A girl I work with got married a few years ago and at the time her DH was 33-years-old. Well apparently up until they got married his mother was still paying his bills!!! Not literally from her account, but she had his check book and would write out the checks and send them in for him!! So he never saw his bills (she always opened them) and never paid them on his own (though they were being satisfied with his money). WHAT?! I would die if I found out my FI was doing that at 20+ years-old


I went through the home buying process alone. We bought ours last year, but I bought it by myself (it was only in my name). His parents always did EVERYTHING for him and so he basically had no credit. He never had to pay for anything on his own, no bills, no car loans, nothing. It was just easier buying it myself because I had good and established credit. I can’t stand these parents who coddle their children!!!

Post # 8
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012


  I just wanted to echo the thoughts of others. DH and I are also closing on our house next week. It has been stressful around here. He is actually the one who has been handling most of it (mainly because he has a job where he can make and receive phone calls fairly easily throughout the day, and honestly…he has a better handle on our finances than I do). DH and I really don’t argue much, but we’ve definitely had moments when we’ve had to just sit and veg and not talk. It’s funny how something you are so excited for can be so incredibly stressful.

Post # 9
550 posts
Busy bee

First, I don’t think your partner has been very responsible for himself, so I agree with you there.

Second, you have my sympathy! This sounds stressful and awful.

BUT … he is kinda right that you are beating a dead horse. You KNOW at this point that he hasn’t been any good with his finances, and that he’s relied on his mom for all of it. Continuing to berate him for it isn’t going to get you anywhere. Use this as a learning/teaching opportunity, not an opportunity to tell your fiance what a schlub he’s been all his life up to now. You can grow together instead of letting him become dependent on you.

(Also, this is just anecdotal, but it seems like a LOT of couples have one person who’s “in charge” of their financial life. Would it be a comfort or a burden to you to just take control of finances for the two of you, for good? It would require him to agree to do whatever you tell him as far as spending, but you wouldn’t have to worry about him messing up or ask him for info about everything all the time.)

And as far as not having copies of important documents at 25? I’m 28 and I’m very independent, but occasionally I’ll realize I need a document that hasn’t been necessary to me since childhood, and I’ll have to call my mom and ask for it. It doesn’t mean I’m dependent on her, just that my immunization records haven’t been important since childhood!

Post # 11
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can either accept that money management doesn’t mean the same to him as it does to you, or you can be frustrated by it for the rest of your married life. There must be other things he can do, that you prefer not to be involved with.

If you are more competent with money, I suggest you willingly take on that chore as it is your credit rating that will be affected now by his lackadaisical attitude about money.

Having been a single parent, I know  it can be a burden to be responsible for bill paying etc, but these days it really doesn’t have to be. You can set up routine bills up automatic deduction and payment. Once you get over the hurdle of home buying, it really isn’t that onerous.


Post # 12
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I hate to be blunt, but it’s the only thing I know. You sound like you want to marry a man, you’re about to marry an overgrown baby who is going to now expect his wife to take over his mommy’s role.

There are more of these situations to come because he hasn’t grown up yet and if you marry him before he grows up, you’re going to be unhappy.

Post # 13
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Meant2Bee:  I’m going through this too!  I could have written this.  I love my FI, but his mother has controlled his finances his entire life and I seem to be taking over.

Fortunately, I grew up in a household where my mother ran my father’s finances, and my sister runs her husband.  It seems to be a sign of the times. 

Good luck.  House buying is incredibly stressful, but you are so close to being done.  I have managed myself through Groupons for yoga classes and massages to keep me calm.  I hope the next week is smooth sailing.

Post # 14
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I totally feel ya, SO and I fought more when it came to home buying.  I was frustrated because I was acting as his partner and his attorney (I took care of all the legal work).  I constantly had to explain to him everything about the closing process and it felt like I was bringing my work home.  But you know what, he said that he has more faith in us for marriage because home buying is one of the most stressful events you will encounter together and we got through it.

Anyway, for your situation, I sense that the bigger issue is his lack of financial responsiblity and overall reliance on his mother instead of being an independent man, and everything is getting magnified now with the home buying.  It’s really hard to change old habits.  Do you want to go through married life constantly having to do all the work because he refuses to step up?  I suggest having a discussion with him.  First step is for him to acknowledge that he does need to change.

Post # 16
8282 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

There was a time during our home buying process when after looking & finding no potentials, I sat in our realtor’s car with tears pouring down my face! Luckily I had sunglasses on, so I double he even noticed. 

It will take some time for your FI to understand finances considering his mom did everything. Once it’s all set & done, he’ll have no choice but to handle it without her. Luckily you sound like you manage money extremely well with such an excellent credit score. 🙂

So try to relax as best as you can. Trust me, I just closed last week, I know how insane this process is. You’ll be ok. 

Good Luck 😉

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