Post # 1
My new husband and I have been having some difficulties in our friendships lately and I’m wondering if there are others out there who have been through the same thing, or who can offer some words of advice.
In my husband’s circle of friends, two of his closest friends were engaged during the same year and a half period as us. Both of their engagements were broken off, and their relationships ended very sadly. In short, they’re two heartbroken dudes, and have been for more than 6 months now. He’s having a lot of trouble maintaining the friendships as these two guys are just spiralling into bachelordom and are kind of regressing in terms of emotional maturity right now. They’ve been friends for twenty years but my husband is starting to feel like their shared history doesn’t make up for an increasingly poor quality friendship now. It’s not that we only want to be friends with married people, but marriage for us has co-incided with several years of growth and maturity that these guys just aren’t able to share with my husband.
Have any of you had difficulty maintaining friendships with single friends as your relationship has progressed into a marriage? Have you found your needs from your friendships changing now that you have a spouse? And how should I support my husband through this?
Post # 3
Yes. And sometimes as married life plugs along, with kids etc, you have a harder time getting together with anyone, married or single. I’m sorry for his friends. But I agree that being close for so many years doesn’t mean it’s Ok for them to behave as they have been. I guess it’s nice they have each other…
Perhaps your husband can see them on a limited basis. Talking on the phone, texting, e-mailing, a lot. Maybe trying to ge together with them to go, to the game, fishing, the race etc. (Daytime stuff that’s more non offensive.) Or if they’re interested in staying in for poker night, once in a while. But hubby should probably avoid the Friday/sturday night bar situation. (That’s how I’m taking "spiralling into bachelordom" to mean.)
Besides, he has you now. I’m all for keeping in touch with friends. But he souldn’t be spending a ton of time doing friend things without you (IMO.)
Post # 4
My husband’s friends are split about 50/50 between married and single. He and the guys get out pretty often, like once every month or two. They go to concerts or games or all get together to see the super action guy movies that the ladies have no interest in. Other then that we try to all get together with significant others a lot more than that for nights out or to watch sports together. Their group has been friends since middle school. Since their guys only outings aren’t so often and usually for a big event, it doesn’t make me feel like he’s ditching me for the guys. It also helps that I can pal around with all of his guy friends pretty well too, so the single guys don’t feel weird hanging out with us as a married couple. But honestly, my husband says that whenever he’s with them he wishes I were there to share in the fun anyways.
Post # 5
They just don’t seem to have as much in common anymore though, which means spending time with them isn’t fulfilling for my husband and leaves him a little disappointed that they aren’t "moving on" or "getting it together". I don’t know that changing the dynamic of how we spend time with them (or how he spends time with them without me) will help. We both like to socialize as a couple and as individuals and we share the belief that friendships should be honest, supportive and nourishing-meaning we keep a smaller circle and don’t really find friendships maintained over e-mail/facebook/texting gratifying.
Post # 6
Have you ever had relationships drift a little? End up being a bit long distance? Maybe you don’t talk everyday, but when you get together (albeit less frquently than before) you still have a good time, like things haven’t changed? I have several friendships like this. Mostly due to many of us relocating all over the place. But I think in this case his friends and he have relocated "emotionally".
From your post it sounds like there is a specific catalyst for causing this change in behavior. They kind of fell off the path when their engagements were broken. To make matters worse (for them not you), around that time you were engaged…and yours stuck! (I’m not sure if guys have the same kinds of jealousy as girls, but I could see your succesful wedding as being a thorn in their sides.) So I’m thinking eventually, they will come around, or find another girl, and probably be good buds, again. So the "staying in tocuh" part will keep them connected until they can have a stronger relationship again.
If the situation was that they had been drifting apart for a while, and just going separate ways, but this was the final straw, I could see just letting the friendships die. I would just hate to see such longtime friendships be thrown away during a newlywed adjustment period for your husband, and a understandable rough patch with his friends.