The "letter" from my mother-in-law

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, my. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. She sounds like a hot mess.

 

My advice would be to shrug your shoulders and say “Oh, well.”

 

Is she mentally unstable? If so, don’t try to reason with her. Life is short. 

Post # 5
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MrsEdamame:  omg. His mom sounds so crazy. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I don’t think that you can do anything, it seems like it has to be him. Can he write her a letter back to discuss all of the things that she did to you? About the wedding cake and stuff. She sounds like such a nutjob. 

Post # 6
doilyMember
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

It sounds like she expects the relationship to be purely on her terms or she is going to complain about it. It’s really shitty that she refuses to listen to your side of the explainations but will passively aggressively send a letter and then ignore your calls. The fact that other family members are taking her side without hearing both sides is really messed up as well.

I have a brother and SIL that are exactly like this and it ended with them trying to hold my niece over everyone. “If you don’t do this, this, and this, then don’t expect to hear about your niece anymore”. Basically trying to emotionally blackmail our family into us doing exactly what they wanted. It was ridiculous. Eventually it got to the point where I had to cut that poison out of my life. I hate the fact that I don’t get to talk to my brother or my niece, but my brother is the one that chose this path. I don’t deserve to be talked down to and bullied by the ones I love, and the fact that he is family doesn’t mean I have to put up with it. I hope someday he grows up and is able to have a healthy relationship with us, but until then, I don’t need that crap in my life.

What you and your DH need to decide is if it’s worth dealing with the poison. It’s only a power struggle as long as you give her the power to keep doing it. There is nothing wrong with cutting the negativity out of your life, especially if the negativity does not think they are doing anything wrong and continues their ways

Post # 8
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

She is obviously a nutjob. Honestly, while I normally believe in keeping arguments as private as possible, she has made them public, so I would too. Since she is pretty obviously lying to his whole family to make them hate both of you, I think it is high time to sent out a group email, along the lines of:

“Hello, we just wanted to respond to some of mommy dearest’s concerns which she addressed to us, and since a lot of you seem to share said concerns, I figured we should send this to everyone to whom it pertains.”

And then write basically what you did above – her concerns, followed by what actually happened.  At this point, what do you have to lose? They all hate you, one of them called you a controlling twat, it’s not like they can really hate you more than that. And she certainly cannot be more obnoxious than she already is.

Post # 10
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Oh my. I stopped reading halfway as I couldn’t take any more of the crazy…. how does she remember all this minute details and hold a grudge about them for 4 years…when they aren’t even problems?!!?

 

ETA: and seemingly turn your DH’s family against him…

I hope the family see what has been occurring so that they are on good terms with you again.

 

Post # 11
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Her family has to be aware of how this woman is. If not, then maybe they are in a bad of shape as her. If they are, then shame on them into buying into these insane accusations.

I also have the distinct feeling that you would never be able to please this woman. I would be polite but avoid her like the plague. Who needs that kind of BS?

Post # 12
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First (( HUGS )) cause I know this is troublesome for you… and probably even more for your Husband, as this is his Mother

My best advice …

Sometimes in life unfortunately we are left with little or no choice when it comes to the “disruptive / caustic / or harmful” behaviour of others

It sucks !!

And can tear families apart, as well as good people up inside about the situation… “What in goodness gracious did I do wrong or to make this person behave so ?”  AND “How can I fix this / right it, so things are as they once were, or improve, so at least everything is back on an even keel”

Sadly, sometimes, the answer is NOTHING.

This is just the way things are in this person’s mind.  NOTHING you do or say is going to change any thing in the least

You either have to put up with it (and the fallout – drama – pain) it cuases.  Or you don’t put up with it whatsoever.

There is no success in telling the other person off… short of any sort of emotional satisfaction it might bring to you at the moment in time

In reality, sometimes the ONLY CHOICE is TOUGH LOVE… cut them out of your life entirely.

Come to realize that they aren’t healthy emotionally or mentally, and are pulling you down with them.

And that isn’t Healthy for you (or your marriage)

It is hard to walk away… and YES people will criticize you for doing so.

That is, until they too at some point in time find themselves faced with the same decision to be made

So don’t do this expecting any compassion or understanding from anyone else in your Hubby’s family.  In fact expect the total opposite… criticism and snotty comments.

To which all you can reply back “Is we had to make a decision based on what was best for OUR Family… it was by no means an easy decision… but one that had to be made”

Period.  Done.  Repeat.  No more explanation required.

It is going to be tough… and you may even find that your Husband at some point disagrees with you and wishes to reconnect with his Mom.

Let him.  Just explain that for the sake of your own sanity, you cannot go along with that decision.

Then be there to comfort him when he comes around again to seeing things as you do… that his Mother has “serious issues”.  And for his own health and well being, as well as your Marriage, and the FAMILY you two have built together he has to let the relationship go.  It won’t be easy for him… as this is his Mom, and we like to think that Mom will forever be that person who nutured and looked out for us when we were kids.

But alas, not all Mom’s are June Cleaver… some are just crazy dilusioinal Mrs “Butcher Knife”…

We ran into a similar problem with a family member in my own circle.  I cut all ties with the woman for 10 years while we were busy having babies.  Then we reconnected when the kids were little (under 10)… but inevitably there was another fall-out and we disconnected again (I didn’t think having this relative around my kids were good any more).  And so it stands, haven’t seen them since the mid 90s.  I know when they die, I’ll go to the funeral to pay my respects (afterall they are part of the family) and I know there will be comments made… but so be it.  I did what was right for MY FAMILY… I had to make a choice.  In my mind, that person passed-away in a lot of ways decades ago, sad but it happens sometimes (mental illness – alzheimers – comma, and other tragedies)

I hope this helps some… (( HUGS ))

 

Post # 13
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@arabbel:  +1 this. I hate confrontation as much as the next guy, but in this case (I read your other post as well), I’d lay it out and burn her publicly like she’s done to you. They all hate you, you might as well set the record straight. If they can’t see it beyond that, what have you lost? At least your side of the story is out there and you stood up to her and didn’t let her continue to bully you without a response.

Post # 14
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MrsEdamame:  Wow. What a list she has given you. I wonder what would happen if, just for kicks, you wrote her: “Gosh, we regret that we have offended you on so many levels over the years. Can you forgive us? We’d really like to grow closer wih you. What would you like to happen next?” Just to see what she says. Because I’m betting she doesn’t expect that from you, she doesn’t want resolution, she just wants a fight. Totally put the ball in her court as to what she wants to happen now and see what she says.

Post # 15
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My FI has a mother with mental illness who was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to him as a kid.  Over a decade ago, as an adult, he cut her out of her life.  He hasn’t visited once for any holiday, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t write.  He is still close to his sister and we visit her and she visits us.  It’s not worth it to have toxic people in your life.  What does your husband want to do?  It is his mother afterall.

Post # 16
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Cornflakegirl:  hahaaa. Yes. This is a great idea! No down side.

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