Weddingbee boards

Honestly, she doesn't sound as bad as some other BM and MOH stories I've read on here. She tried to set up a shower the  best way she knew how, yes, she probably should have asked for help from BM but she obviously doesn't have that kind of personality. As for hosting the Couple's Party, maybe she didn't realize the pressure that comes along with being a MOH. The BM/FSNL may have been better talking to her directly, instead of you asking about what was happening.

I'd say give her a break, from the sound of it... she didn't do something crazy like sleep with your husband, ruin your wedding dress or her MOH dress on purpose, insult your Mother or FMIL or such. She may be doing the best she can, and may not know the proper ways to go about things. Also its not up to you on how a hosted shower or party is planned, because its not a mandatory thing. It would be nice for her to consult you but it is by no means necessary. Be grateful that you have a MOH who is planning at all (unlike many brides here who never get to have a shower because their bridal party doesn't care.. one way or another, your party cares and will get it done for you).

I don't think this is any reason to lose a friendship over, but maybe you should try not to invest so much responsibility in her if she can't handle it.

This is just what I grasped of it from your brief scenerios, if there is more going on then clearly my input might not apply anymore.

Just curious if we are talking about the same girl form your other post?? 

1.  The shower - On one hand it's nice you are getting a shower.  SOme brides have trouble because their BP hasn't thought of planning one or can't.  I'm not sure about the Walmart greeting card comment.  I don't know if I picture that as tacky.  But I'm not sure if I understand the comment.   (I guess I'm wondering if you're being too hard on her, expecting too much.)  I agree that it sounds like she either is unaware about what goes into a shower, or is not that into planning it.  It seems disorganized to not have contact info, or nothing but some cupcakes.  It also seems rude for her to insist on planning it the way she wants, but ask the other girls to pony up money.  I'm confused as to why she'd insist on planning it a certain way, but then seemed to not have much going on.  However, are you sure you had the story straight??  Also, were you trying to have more of a hand in planning your shower than you should have?  It's fine if a bride is asked about her preferences.  But if someone else is throwing the shower, they get to decide how it goes.  You can't sit there and tell them how many people you want to invite and they have to pay for it.  They decide how many people they can afford to invite.

And what is a couples party?  (A jack and jill shower?  A second engagement party?)  You already had an engagement party, and a shower.  Are you having a bachelorette too?  Honestly, it sounds as if you might be asking too much.  I don't know if it's a familial or regional thing..  And if it is is she a part of that "region"?  As for making a scene that she would be planning the couples party, could she have felt backed into a corner?  Like someone made her feel like she wasn't doing her job, even though she didn't know or feel like she should be doing this party?

I'm wondering if she is using some passive aggressiveness (backing out of planning and going to the couples party).  Maybe she is pushing back because she fels you are asking too mcuh, or are trying to manage her too much.  Maybe she's a bit jealous. She is not being straight forward with you about what's eating her.  But I would try to lighten up on the events you expect your BMs to throw and pay for.  These are things that are voluntary, not required of them. 

Hmm.  If she didn't have a wedding , that might be a double whammy. She might be jealous of what she's missing out on and might not know what all goes into planning these events.  (And maybe she didn't even realize what she was missing out on until you started planning.  And is now jealous that she didn't have a wedding.)  Did she not have a wedding because she dosen't have much money.  If so, perhaps she is feeling some pressure to spend money she doesn't have.

Maybe try taking step back from the wedding.  She might be be overwhelmed if your whole friendship has recently been buried alive in wedding talk.  Maybe just go out as friends for dinner or something.  If you feel like you should ask her what's up, then maybe she could clear the air, and feel better.  I'm guessing though, her level of commitment, at this point, is not very high.  So perhaps let others get more involved.  the good news, is that it sounds like you have family and other BMs willing to put in more effort. 

Good luck.

I was also confused why she didn't want the BM help they wanted to help but would say I will call you and never did then just said she was going to do it her way and have them help pay.

This does not sound unusual to me. I've heard of and been a part of many shower plannings where the host (MOH or a bride's aunt) does the planning and asks the bridesmaids to contribute to the costs. It kind helps avoid too many "back seat drivers".

Well I guess I'll say in some circumstance I could see how this would be OK.  If the BMs aren't asked to give that much money, or are allowed to give what amount is comfortable for them.  Or if they are living OOT, and planning would be difficult for them.  But other than those (or similar reasons) I would be irritated if someone was dictating how much I should spend, without me having a say in the shower, how many people are invited etc.  I guess I'm picturing one person say something like we're having the best decorations and party favor,s and inviting 50 people (even though some BMs could only budget for 30).  Then telling all the BMs that the cost will be split evenly.  ANd to be honest, I've experienced something like this...