(Closed) The “mom” topic…(Long, please help!)

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: Best advice....
    Let supportive people in your life be a apart of the wedding planning. : (4 votes)
    29 %
    Don't worry about it--let you and your fiance make decisions together! : (9 votes)
    64 %
    Leave mom out of it for now. : (0 votes)
    Other...I'll post it! : (1 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    79 posts
    Worker bee

    If you can’t get support from your Mom you find it from co-workers, maybe your future MIL, that lovely grandmother…anyone who will offer.  I went through that 29 years ago and have to say the way to heal it for me was to be uber-excited for my own daughter’s wedding. She and her FI have kindly let me get all involved in helping them execute their plans and I’ve been very careful not to get pushy or try to have things my way.  It isn’t my day, it’s theirs and that is a rule I won’t break. 

    In my mom’s defense: even though she was at times not only not supportive but openly hostile during my wedding planning…during the last 28 years she has been a very fair MIL and has never taken sides or been ugly to my husband even during times when we had the usual rough patches.  So even if your mom isn’t 100% supportive now, don’t rule out her help in the years to come.  Giver her a chance to be that way at other times and in other ways.  Maybe a way to involve her would be to ask to go shopping when she selects her MOB dress?  Compliment her plenty, take her to lunch…express interest in how her new family will be included in your big day.  Those are issues I haven’t had to deal with so others will be of a lot more help but I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you will get past it.  Maybe a lot further down the line than you think πŸ˜‰ but you will. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1701 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Keep your mother updated.  When she makes a negative comment, explain your feelings to her, exactly as you did to us.  She may not even realize that she is doing it.  I would include her in your first dress shopping experience.  That doesn’t mean you have to buy.  If she isn’t helpful, don’t include her in further excursions.

    If she doesn’t improve her attitude, just find the support elsewhere.  Also make sure that you are equally supportive of her new family.  Maybe she is feeling like you are so wrapped up in your plans that you don’t care about hers?

    Post # 6
    Member
    2320 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’m pretty sure that we have the same mom! i’m dreading dress shopping tomorrow for this one reason… i think we might kill eachother!

    As you said, basically limiting the amount of information that you give/share with helps avoid the unwanted opinions. Are you essentially leaving her out of things? Yes, but I fell (at least for me) that this vital to me being able to keep my sanity and not become a bridezilla.

    Think of the things that your mother is good at, and try to incorporate that into the wedding. my mom makes jewelry, so I had to make necklaces for my girls. she’s pretty artistic too so she went to florist me with me and she was helpful!

    and always remember… it’s YOUR wedding!

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I had a somewhat similar situation with my mom.  I wanted to go dress shopping just with my sister in law, but I knew it would crush my mom.  So I went with both of them.  And my mom did drive me nuts at points.  But odds are the first time you go dress shopping won’t be your last.  I got a good idea of what styles I liked which helped me focus my search, but I think it took me three trips to find the dress (and maybe two more to make certain!).  I did the rest of my shopping on my own or with friends.  So I’d include her on the first trip.  It will mean a lot to her to be included.  She can give you her opinions, but you can feel less pressure knowing you’ll continue shopping and avoid dress drama when you do decide.  

    My parents are also divorced.  I was worried my mom would be upset about my dad walking me down the aisle.  I asked her to do one of our readings.  I would have rather picked someone else but I thought it was important to include her in the ceremony.  And I knew if I did, that would result in less drama down the line, which was more important to me than who did the reading.  

    Since she is creative, you can also ask for her opinion on various projects you’ve taken on.  I was going to ask my mom for some help with phrasing one part of the ceremony that I was having trouble with.  I knew what I wanted it to say, but I knew she would make it flow better.  So you can plan all the details but maybe have her improve upon an idea or two.  Perhaps if you involve her a bit she will become more supportive (and if she doesn’t, just try and stay calm about it, know that is just how she is at times, and use your fiance and grandmother and friends for the support you were hoping to get from her).  A friend of mine had a very difficult time with her mom, but as the wedding planning started, and the wedding got closer she really came around.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1679 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    My mother is a very prim and proper woman, who does not show much emotion. When I called her to say we were engaged, she said “Lovely. When will it be?” p>Dress shopping, she didn’t react at all to the dresses. When I looked at her for approval, she said “if you like it, I will buy it.” Here’s the thing…despite knowing that this is how she will be, there’s a part of me that hopes something will break through and tap into some previously untapped reservoir of emotion.

    After at least three episodes that have left me in tears, I’ve realized that for my sake, I can’t keep trying. If she initiates conversations, I’ll have them, but I’m not calling her to shared every detail.

    Post # 13
    Member
    98 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    No problem!  Just involve your mom where you can and plan the rest of the wedding on your own, and try and let it roll of your back if she is kind of harsh or not helpful in ways.  If you can remember in the times that she is kind of harsh or not that helpful, that this is just how she is/who she is sometimes and that she loves you very much, that can help a lot with letting things roll off your back.  And if things (mom related or not!) get really stressful with the wedding planning, stop, focus on the man you love and who you are going to marry and remember what it is all about.  That always helped me calm down.

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