- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I don’t even know where to begin with this. I don’t guess I’m really looking for advice but I feel like I need to just get this off my chest to someone else.
When I started dating my FI I went into our relationship knowing he struggles with what he calls a “desperate urge to have sex all the time.” There have been times when his desire consumes all of him. However I have a fairly high sex drive compared to most people so after working out some kinks and what not we’ve enjoyed a healthy, active, and happy sex life.
Fast forward 6 1/2 years to about 6-8 months ago.
I’ve noticed he’s become kind of withdrawn, a little more short, very distracted, etc. He is finishing up grad school so in the beginning I chalked it up to stress and just did my best to show him I love and appreciate him.
But then things started getting weird. If I reached for his phone or laptop to look at something he would get kind of aggitated. I would come home from work and find him up late on xbox sitting in a chat session(versus playing a game) and he’d suddenly jump off when I walked in. All of it was minor and sporadic so I couldn’t decide if something was very wrong or if I was being silly. I mean we have always had a very open. honest relationship with each other and have always shared an extraordinary amount of trust. We have never been the kind of couple that says “Oh you can’t talk to that person because they’re of the opposite sex.” We enjoy our friendships with both sexes. It’s never been an issue or a cause for concern when we grab some dinner with an old friend(whether it be male or female) or coworker. As long as we tell the other person and just afford each other the courtesy and respect of knowing where the other is, it’s all fine.
Well that changed. He would tell me five minutes before going out that he was grabbing dinner with someone and then stay out well past a respectable time for a casual, friendly dinner. Sometimes he wouldn’t tell me at all and then say something like “Oh I’m sure I told you but you just forgot.”
Basically it was a set of slightly suspicious events that lead up to a coversation we had over the weekend. We were sitting in the car and I was telling him about how proud I was of him and all the hard work he’s put in to grad school, his internship, work, etc. I said it’s amazing we’ve gone from 17 year old kids with no responsiblity, goals, plans, or concern to where we are now. Then I told him I was proud of the man he’s become. He replied with, “I wish you wouldn’t say stuff like that because I’m not a good man.” Then he proceeded to tell me that over the last few months he’s really struggled with the desire to cheat. Then he said he hasn’t actually cheated but it’s been hard to pass up when he’s had so many temptations before him.
I told him I think it’s completely normal to be attracted to other people even while in a relationship and I understand sexual fantasies and such revolving around other people. It’s not something I’m concerned with unless it becomes a hinderance to a person’s daily life and relationships. But I was upset that he had let this issue progress this far and he hadn’t removed those temptations from his life when he knows he has an unnaturally strong sex drive. So it lead to this big discussion of our beliefs and relationship. I told him it hurts me that his desire to have sex with others is so strong because unlike other people I do associate sex and love. For me you can’t have one without the other. So when he tells me he yearns to have sex with another my mind instantly associates that desire to have sex with a person as a desire to have a relationship with them.
He swore to me he is not even remotely interested in a relationship with another person and he was bringing this issue to me because he realized he couldn’t handle it on his own. He said, “I’m admitting that I’m struggling and I need help. My urges and behavior is hurtful. The last thing I ever want to do is truly hurt you because I love you more than words could ever express. But I’m afraid if I continue down this path I will cheat and I will ruin what an amazing relationship we’ve worked so hard to build.”
Some more talking happened. Some tears. Some hugging. Then he picked up the phone and started dialing the women in his life he considers temptations and essentially cut ties with them all. Obviously things didn’t go very well because a lot of them got cried, then begged to still be friends, then got angry and defensive.
That’s essentially the shortened version of the story. I really don’t know what else to say. I just needed to write it out so I could get it out of my system.