(Closed) The mother in law…Ahh

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
14 posts
Newbee

have you tried asking her WHY she isn’t interested?

Maybe she always dreamed of her son being married in the church he grew up in, or in her backyard. Maybe she feels Vegas isn’t appropriate or someone wasn;t invited that she wanted to be invited – while it is your wedding and you shoult ultimately do what you want to make your day special, you aren’t the only one who has dreamed of your/fiance’s wedding day – maybe if you found out what was wrong you could come to a better compromise

Post # 4
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I think there’s many reasons why one may act the way they do.  Remember that every person handles stress differently.  Giving your FMIL the benefit of a doubt, I think Cinderella may have a point.  Perhaps her vision of the wedding is not the same as hers and feels you may not have asked her for her input.  Perhaps she feels her opinions/thoughts are unwanted/unappreciated.  The bottom line is, it may be deeper than just the wedding itself.  Ultimately she will be in your life for the many years to come AFTER the wedding, so I would strongly hope that whatever it may be that is causing her to act this way will be resolved.  Is it possible that she may feel you are taking her son away from her?  It’s easy to point to the actions of others and blame them for everything, but sometimes it may be helpful to step back and look at how you are handling the matter and perhaps, your actions are causing the reactions.  Not trying to point the finger at anyone, just trying to say that, one must reflect on their own actions before they can point the finger. 

Ultimately I believe you will find the root of the problem, which may very well not be related to the wedding at all, but I wish you the best of luck!  I hope you and your FMIL can resolve the issues and make your wedding day memorable for all the right reasons.  Oh and as a side note, I wouldn’t necessarily bad mouth her actions to her son/your fiance because you never know with men, what might slip out!  Best of Luck!

Post # 5
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Miss Polka Dot Princess!

Well we are in the same boat, and it sucks  my Future MIL doesnt care about our wedding at all, but my FI’s brother is getting married too, and so she doesnt care about either wedding! It really isnt something that i ever thought would happen, but she is so blatent about not caring about anything wedding related, and i ask her to help me with things (getting her involved) and she waits a week and then tells me she is TOO BUSY! I always hear other Brides saying how their FMIL is trying to get into the planning too much (but at least they care while they are being overbearing ).

I wish i could be of more help, but just letting you know you are not alone. I wish i knew how to fix this issue with my FMIL too….

Post # 6
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Neither of our sets of parents have expressed any interest in the wedding.  It was a little disappointing at first, but now I’ve come to appreciate the freedom on doing whatever we want, and inviting whomever we choose =)  Maybe just be happy your FMIL isn’t pushing all her opinions on you instead! 

 (And as annoying as she may be, she’s not really obligated to contribute financially to your wedding.)

Post # 8
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2005

I have four moms, and of them, my mom (as the one who raised me) had no interest in the wedding. It wasn’t that she was having emotional angst about it, but she just doesn’t like weddings. It bothered me, but I learned to adapt. I found other people who were interested and could help me when I needed it. One of them was my bonus mom who married us, another was my boss who didn’t have any daughters and enjoyed the party planning process, and a third was my guy’s mom who stayed with us a week before the wedding to help with details.

I think there are two ways you can handle this: one is to find out why she doesn’t want to be involved and try to accomodate that or two, let it roll off your back and figure it’s about the you and your guy. Sure she’ll be missing out, but it’s up to her to want to be involved.

Something you didn’t mention….how does your guy feel about all of this?

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

The best thing you can do is chill out. I had a similar situation and the thought "does she not want us to get married?" went through my head many times.  A few months later I realized that not all women are hardwired to obsess over weddings. Maybe it’s just not her deal — think about allll the weddings she’s been in and to in her life– she just doesn’t care anymore!

Don’t take it personally and don’t get angry with her — the important thing is not your wedding, it’s the relationship you have with your MIL the rest of your life.

Post # 10
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Great advice from everyone, so far.  I, too, realized very quickly that not everyone is going to care about my wedding and upcoming marriage as much as I do!

It sounds like you equate that FMIL’s lack of excitement or interest means she’s not that excited about you, which I completely understand why you’d feel that way.  Was she nicer to you prior to wedding planning or have you always had a lukewarm relationship? 

If it’s the former and you have a great relationship pre-planning, then try as hard as you can to just make peace with it and know that she’s happy for you both, and stop bringing wedding things up to her unless it’s the absolutely critical stuff.

If it’s the latter and she’s never been that friendly, it’s something you should talk to FI about and you’ve got to make the decision if you’ll be OK with not having a good relationship with your FMIL.

Last point, weddings have a tendency to freak out some family members.  We want the FILs to embrace us and love us as much as our FIs do.  But, FMIL has headed her household for a long time before you came into the picture. 

Maybe FMIL is having a hard time realizing that you will now be the most important person in her son’s life, and since the wedding is a big, public ceremony to announce it, she’s just not going to show interest.

Best of luck to you, hang int here.

Post # 11
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Remember to that she is probably struggling with the realization that her son is grown.  For some Moms it comes when they leave the house or graduate college or move for a job.  It is possible that she is trying to figure out how to handle the fact that her son is independent and making his own life.  Weddings are milestones.

My FMIL is just not into girly things so I never expected her to be enthralled with the wedding.  My mom and I barely talk so there isn’t support there either.  I have been leaning on my bridesmaids and their moms and some of my co-workers who have offered to help.  In a way I love being with FMIL because I know I don’t have to talk wedding.  I don’t pretend that I am not frusterated or excited about how the plans are going because she isn’t going to ask.  Visiting with her has become a wedding safehaven.

Post # 12
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

Are you actively seeking her opinion? 

Or are you trying to seek her approval, since it seems like to you she doesn’t like you.

I think there’s a difference between the two.  Are you asking her for help, or are you going "LOOK at what I have here!  This is great, right?"

We all want our FILs to love us and say "oh you’re the best daughter in law ever."  The reality is that it just doesn’t always happen.  Parents for one reason or another will not agree, and will stay stubborn for as long as they can. 

My FILs don’t even agree to our engagement, and it puts a damper on everything.  If she doesn’t show… then so be it.  She knows her son isn’t getting married, and if she isn’t going to put an effort into it, and you have tried, then there is nothing you can do about it for now.

Post # 15
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would second the idea of talking to your FI about this.  He has known her all his life, he should have some insight.  And while things are different today, the wedding and reception were traditionally the responsibility of the bride’s family.  Maybe she’s not sure why you are showing her all this stuff, and just doesn’t feel that its appropriate or necessary that she be involved.

My FI’s mom was also pretty uninterested in all our plans – photos of my dress, sample invites…  she lives a few hours away, so every time she visits or we visit her I would try to bring a little something so she could feel involved.  And my impression was that she was really not interested.

Now that we are finally getting to stuff that she feels is her responsibility (the RD, a suit for FI, a nice dress for FI’s daughter) she is definately showing more interest.  She still isn’t super involved – but better.  And honestly, it would bother me more if she was one of those pushy, super-critical, rearrange your cupboards when she visits MILs. 

Post # 16
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Do you think maybe she is being tradiional in thinking bride (or brides family) pay so she should involve herself too much??- I agree with other posters try to find out what she does not want to be involved either by asking yourself or through your FI  

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