Post # 1
Did anyone else see this opinion piece in the NYTimes? My Dad sent it to me this morning —
Essentially it talks about the historical societal pressure for women to marry up and for men to seek lesser educated women and the implications of that. It also talks about that marriages in which the woman is more educated are actually more egalitarian when it comes to housework and that translates to a better sex life because women are more sexually attracted to men who help around the house.
With Boyfriend or Best Friend, its really interesting — for a while I had “PhD Candidate” on my dating profile on the site we met on. Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t recall seeing my profile before I messaged him but did say he would’ve dismissed me if he saw “PhD Candidate” NOT because he felt threatened by me but because he felt that since he’s only a BS, he wouldn’t be good enough for me.
Its something when I was dating around that really struck me — the bias against women with higher education by men…
Anyways, just wanted to get your thoughts!
Post # 3
I think that if a man were so insecure in himself that he would feel threatened by my intelligence, education, or success – then I wouldn’t want to marry him anyhow. And if my degree helps me weed out that population, great.
As for me, I do value intelligence as one of the most important qualities in a partner. But I am perfectly capable of making that judgment without the artificial guidance of official degrees.
I didn’t marry up, down, backward, or forward. I married the only man I love and couldn’t live without. He could be Martian with a degre in dust for all I care.
Post # 4
Well, my Darling Husband is more educated than I am. I have a bachelor’s and he has a law degree. But you would have a hard time finding a man who is more of a helper around the house. He cooks for me and all kinds of things, and he is very tender and supportive of me. I cook for him, too and do my best to take good care of him as well. So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that there are always exceptions to any rule.
Post # 5
@Jupster: “I think that if a man were so insecure in himself that he would feel threatened by my intelligence, education, or success – then I wouldn’t want to marry him anyhow.”
I didn’t read the OP’s article but I totally agree with your statement.
Post # 6
I have a law degree and my Fiance is actually still in school finishing his BS. He knew I was a lawyer when we started dating, and he’s always proud of me!
He was more excited when I won my first jury trial than I was – he told a bunch of people, lol. It never comes off as an issue for him that I am more educated. He doesn’t plan on going any further in school either. We work as a partnership, and I’m very happy that I found someone who is as proud of my accomplishments as I am, and doesn’t feel threatned or intimidated by me.
Post # 7
Interesting. I’m completing a PhD this spring, and Fiance didn’t go to college – he went the military route and then managed to get training in his current career. Although he may go back in the future.
It doesn’t really ever come up… it’s just kind of like I have training for one path, and he has it for a different one.
Post # 8
I have had guys have issues and my ex who kep mentiuoning that I was at the dissertation stage. My fiance couldnt give a hoot..as a matter of fact, he adds his two bachelors together and sys that equates to a PHD…lol. Any strong willed, confident man will not be bothered by a womans qualifications. I agree with some of the posters as my Fi is soooo proud of my accomplishments even more so than I am sometimes.
Post # 9
My Fiance is so thrilled I’m getting a PhD he brags about it like crazy (making me blush lol!). He has an BS/MS. I also could never date a guy who didn’t love my intelligence and want me to pursue what I love.
Post # 10
I guess Fiance and I are pretty close in education- I have a BA and a JD, he has a BS and is within a few credits of his MS. I was in law school when we met and he’d just started on his MS (he’s going part time, just a class at a time). I think it would’ve been more awkward for him but for the fact that he had a stable, high-earning job in his field (engineering). He’s very traditional like that and I think deep down he’d be bothered if he ever wasn’t the higher-earning of the two of us. Because of the specializations we each chose in our respective fields (him, mechanical engineering, me, alternative dispute resolution), he’ll probably always be the high earner- there’s just more money and more demand for mechanical engineers than there is for ADR-specialized attorneys right now.
Fiance is very proud of me, though- he always tells me “don’t tell people you’re just a mediator. Your a lawyer, you worked hard to be a lawyer, and last time I checked there’s still Esquire next to your name. You have no reason to be ashamed of that, so don’t hide it.”
Post # 11
My Fiance has expressed feeling the same way. He only has an A.S degree and is a firefighter while I have a B.S, M.S, and Ed.S and I am a Mental Health Counselor. It wouldn’t matter to me if he had no degree though- as long as he is happy with what he is doing. I think it makes him feel better to know that our salaries will only differ by about 10K-15K a year! I also tell him that hes lucky because he spent wayyy fewer years and much less money than I did on school and yet we make close to the same amount!
Post # 12
It is very important to me to be with an intelligent man (I’m bored by guys that aren’t bright.), but plenty of intelligent people don’t have pieces of paper to “prove” it. It’s also important to me to be with someone who does his share of the work, which my fiance does. I got very angry and defensive when all the housework got dumped on me in previous (roommate) living situations.
I have a Master’s Degree and used to make about twice what my fiance did with no degree. Then he lost his job, and now he’s gone back to start on his Associate’s. Neither of us cares in the least that I am the main breadwinner, and the only person who has given us a hard time about it is the guy who will be the best man. We both just looked at him when he said something, and my fiance said, “Dude, we don’t care. Why do you?”
Post # 13
The manfriend absolutely hated high school and was determined never to go to college but straight to work. Now he has a great job and makes a good living. I, on the other hand, was always expected to at least get my master’s. Now that I’m nearing the end of it- guess who’s the person cheering the loudest? I swear that man has earned at least half the degree for me, he has been my best supporter. And what’s best is that it’s a team effort. He knows in the end it will be worth it for both of us.
As for the M.R.S. degree- I first heard about it here. http://www.cavalierdaily.com/2011/02/01/we-burned-the-bras-for-a-reason/
Gives me the heeby jeebies.
Post # 14
I am considering eventually applying to a Ph.D. program for Educational or Cognative Neuroscience (further research in the mental processes affecting learning, especially for students with learning disorders, gifted and talented, complex cross-categorial special populations in schools, poverty, language and communication, socio-emotional factors, motivation, and technology). I would like to be a teacher, as well as a Curriculum Development Specialist.
My SO already has a BS in Computer Science, and a good job. He has no interest in pursuing a Masters or a Ph.D. for his own interest sake, but often jokes that he would have to pursue a higher degree if I did. His parents also jokingly say that he can’t let me “up-him” that way.
I hsve to wonder how much truth there is in their jokes though. Would he really feel “threatened” or even less attracted to me if I pursued an advanced degree? I know that he would support me (in theory) in my endeavors, but at this time I am still working on my BAE in Special Education and Elementary Education. It is all a theoretical possibility at this point.
We would still want children as well. Would he be uneasy about the possibiliy that I may not be there for our children as much as we would like for me to be, due to the demands of a Ph.D program?
Does it even make financial sense, given my goals? What do you think about all of this, bees?
Post # 15
@nerdybee: Meh. I wouldn’t worry about it. I am getting my Phd and I wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t on par with me. My SO is getting his. He isn’t worried about us starting a family or anything like that.
I am sure your SO wont fault you for wanting to better yourself and your career. My family cracks jokes about me all the time for being so focused but in the end they wish their kids were more like me.
So I say if that is truly what you want to do go for it!
Post # 16
I already have my bachelor’s, so technically I am more educated than Darling Husband, who just finished his last semester of his undergrad. He is also trained as a firefighter, though that career did not pan out due to health problems.
This doesn’t bug Darling Husband at all, maybe because he comes from a mostly “blue collar” family, but his mom went to school and worked full time while raising two kids to earn her bachelor’s, and she recently finished her master’s as well. His dad is a high school grad. Both my parents are PhD’s, so they have equal education levels.