so a fairly good friend of mine called me today...my FMIL is throwing me a lingerie party this saturday at her house in san diego which is about 2hrs from where my friends and i live...so my friend calls and says "on behalf of people invited to the wedding we'd appreciate it if you could plan all wedding related activities with the acception of the wedding in the LA/Orange County area..." i was in TOTAL shock...then she proceeded to tell me how much gas costs...my MOH was in the car with me and was immediately pissed off...
so i tried to explain to this so-called friend that i have not been responsible for planning the previous wedding related events (mind you there has just been one other that she was invited to in february which was an engagement party my FMIL threw) and that i am not going to complain on her behalf about anything that anyone is doing as a courtesy to me...i also let her know that any invitation she has received or will receive in the future is just that, an invitation and not an obligation so she is free to decline but it'd be in poor taste for her to not let the host know that she will no longer be attending...
she just kept saying don't shoot the messenger yadda yadda...but it really bothered me (this was a few hours ago) and i totally want to tell her off...this reminds me why i wanted to keep the wedding small...not that i wouldn't love for her (and the other friend who she was speaking for) to be there but at the same time i'd rather not deal with anyone complaining about how much it's going to cost them to travel to my wedding, i expect for them to be mature and make a judgement call that works in favor of them and their budget...
ugh!!!!!! sorry for the total rant but seriously i wouldn't even THINK to call someone and say that...i mean how rude is that really? ok, thanks for listening, i needed to vent...
I feel for ya. Totally annoying. This isn't completely related, but I'm bummed that 4 out of my 7 bridesmaids won't be able to make it to my shower. I understand 2 of them (live on opposite coasts; shower is in chicago) but the other two just failed to plan their lives accordingly (my sis chose the date because they said it worked well for them, but now other events came up for them that weekend.) Sad.
I'm sure where the shower is located is where your FMIL lives, so what do they expect her to do? Would they prefer to have the shower at their house to save on gas? I think not! I agree, that was very distasteful of them. I know things can get expensive so they could carpool, or pick and choose what they attend and just send the gift to your home. Some people are just so rude, it's not like weddings and parties associated to weddings happen everyday.
What an immature and rude friend you have. What if your wedding events were all in another state or another country? Was this girl (and the girl she is speaking on behalf of) raised in a barn?!
Perhaps she could offer to throw you another shower (a none lingerie one) at her home?
Yeah, I hear you. We're having ours in another state because that's where *all* of my family lives, and we've had a couple of people whine. My (inner) response at this point is "Fine, please don't come, that's $XX less we have to spend on you!" I hate that about myself, but it's true. : P
It sounds like you handled it well by reminding her that you're not responsible for showers, and she probably felt embarassed by not having known that and got defensive. Just let her know (as graciously as you can manage!) that if she can't attend then you certainly understand, but you hope that she'll be able to make it, and leave it at that.
that is so completely rude of her to say that. I would be so pissed off too. It's like should you have asked her if the wedding date was convenient for her too? geez. I don't understand how some people can be so selfish and think everything needs to be "convenient" for them.
Wow. That's pretty ridiculous. Does she think you arranged for your FMIL to throw a party for you in SD for the sole purpose of making her life difficult?! I would be fuming if I were you.
I think your response was very polite and appropriate. Unfortunately, if she was rude enough to send such an e-mail, she probably doesn't have the manners to even realize what she did was rude.
You handled it very well and it's very interesting how weddings immediately brings to light the need for people to make their viewpoints a priority. She's not even a bridesmaid, just a guest, and she feels you should be planning your events around her convenience?
Don't sweat it, it's just one person. The people who care about you and are really happy for you will be there, as indicated by your MOH's reaction since she was in the car with you. It's not your rsponsibiity to take into acount EVERYONE's individual circumstances.
Have a great shower and enjoy every moment with the people who are there for you.
Why can't people understand the meaning of the word "Invitation"
Invi·ta·tionn.
The act of inviting.
A spoken or written request for someone's presence or participation.
An allurement, enticement, or attraction.
Does it say you have to ACCEPT??? No, it just means that you're invited. And if the allure, enticement, or attraction just isn't there for you then say NO.
I'm experiencing the same thing but only with our ceremony. (People complaining about travel costs and we're not having any pre-wedding events) It's an invitation. No where on it does it say you have to come. People need to learn that they can really JUST SAY NO. sheesh!
** sorry for my rant, but it hit a nerve with me and I'm sorry you have to deal with your "fairly good friend"
thanks for all the supportive comments...yeah i was like i would have much preferred a call saying they couldn't come instead of complaining about the distance...i mean seriously i still can't believe she had the audacity...i just told my FH about it and he was surprised as well, its like you know how people are but you think they'd at least be more considerate when it comes to your wedding...
the other thing about it is that she wasn't even shy enough to do it thru text message or email but she actually called me and spoke those words, wtf?!
wow. as someone who drives from san diego to oc/la very often, i can definitely say that carpooling is a very valid option, and there is even amtrack if your friends are so very set against paying for the gas. that was definitely out of line - i don't think i can even comprehend even thinking of making a phone call like that. i would simply think "oooh yay, im invited! two hours away? okay, let's make this work..." or "ooh yay, im invited! two hours away? darn, i guess i can't go..."
What I love is the "on behalf of people invited to the wedding." Maybe she should have organized the signing of a petition or something! I have to say that this doesn't surprise me though - we have had several people, none of whom are folks that we absolutely must have at the wedding, ask us (in all seriousness) if we want to reschedule because it conflicts with other plans they have made. It's hard to be polite in telling them that no, really, although we're sooooo sorry they can't be there, we're not going to change the date!
I am sorry that your freind was so offensive. Sometimes I think that empathy is a difficult skill for some folks, unfortunately. If she had put herself in your shoes, she would have realized that you did not plan these events. However, empathy usually comes from a lack of understanding, so I am sure she has not yet planned a wedding and has no idea what goes into it...
I feel a touch evil saying this, but your friend will have her day when it comes time to plan her own wedding. It's hard to get through this process without some drama, unless you elope;)
i'm so sorry you're going through this!! this whole situation sucks.. but you know what.. what if she's the only one that's bold enough to tell you? cuz imagine all the others that she's "representing", speaking about your wedding behind your back? i know, maybe ignorance is bliss but maybe this is a good learning lesson about friendship?
again, this is a cr@ppy situation and no one should be going through this.. i can't believe gas prices are this high! but you know what you should tell your friend? tell her that gas is cheap compared to her daily fix of starbucks in the morning. at least it's a gallon you pay for at the pump, not a measly little 12 ounce drink!
my favorite part is that she spoke on behalf of all invited to the wedding. like she took a survey? how presumptuous. i get that the la/oc to sd drive is a couple of hours but it makes for a gorgeous drive (especially once you hit the stretch by pendleton that's all shore). i personally would grab a couple friends, carpool to save on gas, and enjoy the day. what she said is just klassy with a 'k'. she got an invite. not like she was held up at gunpoint and forced to attend. she can turn it down if she wants. honestly. some people....
I agree w/ thenewmrsw. I hate when people can't own up to their own opinions and have to lump it in with others. "You know a lot of people think...." Hate that.
OK, tell her I'm driving from the east coast to the midwest (a 12 hour drive one way) to go to my bridal shower. And then tell her she'll be missed because the party will be a blast! And seriously, that sounds like a great party!
so a fairly good friend of mine called me today...my FMIL is throwing me a lingerie party this saturday at her house in san diego which is about 2hrs from where my friends and i live...so my friend calls and says "on behalf of people invited to the wedding we'd appreciate it if you could plan all wedding related activities with the acception of the wedding in the LA/Orange County area..." i was in TOTAL shock...then she proceeded to tell me how much gas costs...my MOH was in the car with me and was immediately pissed off...
so i tried to explain to this so-called friend that i have not been responsible for planning the previous wedding related events (mind you there has just been one other that she was invited to in february which was an engagement party my FMIL threw) and that i am not going to complain on her behalf about anything that anyone is doing as a courtesy to me...i also let her know that any invitation she has received or will receive in the future is just that, an invitation and not an obligation so she is free to decline but it'd be in poor taste for her to not let the host know that she will no longer be attending...
she just kept saying don't shoot the messenger yadda yadda...but it really bothered me (this was a few hours ago) and i totally want to tell her off...this reminds me why i wanted to keep the wedding small...not that i wouldn't love for her (and the other friend who she was speaking for) to be there but at the same time i'd rather not deal with anyone complaining about how much it's going to cost them to travel to my wedding, i expect for them to be mature and make a judgement call that works in favor of them and their budget...
ugh!!!!!! sorry for the total rant but seriously i wouldn't even THINK to call someone and say that...i mean how rude is that really? ok, thanks for listening, i needed to vent...
posted by meelahj 117 posts 6 months agoI feel for ya. Totally annoying. This isn't completely related, but I'm bummed that 4 out of my 7 bridesmaids won't be able to make it to my shower. I understand 2 of them (live on opposite coasts; shower is in chicago) but the other two just failed to plan their lives accordingly (my sis chose the date because they said it worked well for them, but now other events came up for them that weekend.) Sad.
posted by PurpleTulips 15 posts 6 months agoI'm sure where the shower is located is where your FMIL lives, so what do they expect her to do? Would they prefer to have the shower at their house to save on gas? I think not! I agree, that was very distasteful of them. I know things can get expensive so they could carpool, or pick and choose what they attend and just send the gift to your home. Some people are just so rude, it's not like weddings and parties associated to weddings happen everyday.
posted by Lillindy 283 posts 6 months agoWhat an immature and rude friend you have. What if your wedding events were all in another state or another country? Was this girl (and the girl she is speaking on behalf of) raised in a barn?!
Perhaps she could offer to throw you another shower (a none lingerie one) at her home?
posted by LaborDayBride 101 posts 6 months agoYeah, I hear you. We're having ours in another state because that's where *all* of my family lives, and we've had a couple of people whine. My (inner) response at this point is "Fine, please don't come, that's $XX less we have to spend on you!" I hate that about myself, but it's true. : P
It sounds like you handled it well by reminding her that you're not responsible for showers, and she probably felt embarassed by not having known that and got defensive. Just let her know (as graciously as you can manage!) that if she can't attend then you certainly understand, but you hope that she'll be able to make it, and leave it at that.
posted by amysue 643 posts 6 months agoYikes! a simple..."sorry we can't make it" would've done...weddings bring the worst and the best in people!
posted by V 235 posts 6 months agothat is so completely rude of her to say that. I would be so pissed off too. It's like should you have asked her if the wedding date was convenient for her too? geez. I don't understand how some people can be so selfish and think everything needs to be "convenient" for them.
posted by coffeencupcakes 54 posts 6 months agoWow. That's pretty ridiculous. Does she think you arranged for your FMIL to throw a party for you in SD for the sole purpose of making her life difficult?! I would be fuming if I were you.
I think your response was very polite and appropriate. Unfortunately, if she was rude enough to send such an e-mail, she probably doesn't have the manners to even realize what she did was rude.
posted by rosychicklet 312 posts 6 months agoYou handled it very well and it's very interesting how weddings immediately brings to light the need for people to make their viewpoints a priority. She's not even a bridesmaid, just a guest, and she feels you should be planning your events around her convenience?
Don't sweat it, it's just one person. The people who care about you and are really happy for you will be there, as indicated by your MOH's reaction since she was in the car with you. It's not your rsponsibiity to take into acount EVERYONE's individual circumstances.
Have a great shower and enjoy every moment with the people who are there for you.
posted by SoCalBeachGirl 385 posts 6 months agoWhy can't people understand the meaning of the word "Invitation"
Invi·ta·tion n.
Does it say you have to ACCEPT??? No, it just means that you're invited. And if the allure, enticement, or attraction just isn't there for you then say NO.
I'm experiencing the same thing but only with our ceremony. (People complaining about travel costs and we're not having any pre-wedding events) It's an invitation. No where on it does it say you have to come. People need to learn that they can really JUST SAY NO. sheesh!
** sorry for my rant, but it hit a nerve with me and I'm sorry you have to deal with your "fairly good friend"
posted by July2008Bride 189 posts 6 months agothanks for all the supportive comments...yeah i was like i would have much preferred a call saying they couldn't come instead of complaining about the distance...i mean seriously i still can't believe she had the audacity...i just told my FH about it and he was surprised as well, its like you know how people are but you think they'd at least be more considerate when it comes to your wedding...
the other thing about it is that she wasn't even shy enough to do it thru text message or email but she actually called me and spoke those words, wtf?!
posted by meelahj 117 posts 6 months agowow. as someone who drives from san diego to oc/la very often, i can definitely say that carpooling is a very valid option, and there is even amtrack if your friends are so very set against paying for the gas. that was definitely out of line - i don't think i can even comprehend even thinking of making a phone call like that. i would simply think "oooh yay, im invited! two hours away? okay, let's make this work..." or "ooh yay, im invited! two hours away? darn, i guess i can't go..."
posted by melodicsighs1 86 posts 6 months agoWhat I love is the "on behalf of people invited to the wedding." Maybe she should have organized the signing of a petition or something! I have to say that this doesn't surprise me though - we have had several people, none of whom are folks that we absolutely must have at the wedding, ask us (in all seriousness) if we want to reschedule because it conflicts with other plans they have made. It's hard to be polite in telling them that no, really, although we're sooooo sorry they can't be there, we're not going to change the date!
posted by suzanno 1,984 posts 6 months agoI am sorry that your freind was so offensive. Sometimes I think that empathy is a difficult skill for some folks, unfortunately. If she had put herself in your shoes, she would have realized that you did not plan these events. However, empathy usually comes from a lack of understanding, so I am sure she has not yet planned a wedding and has no idea what goes into it...
I feel a touch evil saying this, but your friend will have her day when it comes time to plan her own wedding. It's hard to get through this process without some drama, unless you elope;)
Hang in there and enjoy your shower!!
posted by ErinMarieMack 266 posts 6 months agoi'm so sorry you're going through this!! this whole situation sucks.. but you know what.. what if she's the only one that's bold enough to tell you? cuz imagine all the others that she's "representing", speaking about your wedding behind your back? i know, maybe ignorance is bliss but maybe this is a good learning lesson about friendship?
again, this is a cr@ppy situation and no one should be going through this.. i can't believe gas prices are this high! but you know what you should tell your friend? tell her that gas is cheap compared to her daily fix of starbucks in the morning. at least it's a gallon you pay for at the pump, not a measly little 12 ounce drink!
posted by callalillies 68 posts 6 months agomy favorite part is that she spoke on behalf of all invited to the wedding. like she took a survey? how presumptuous. i get that the la/oc to sd drive is a couple of hours but it makes for a gorgeous drive (especially once you hit the stretch by pendleton that's all shore). i personally would grab a couple friends, carpool to save on gas, and enjoy the day. what she said is just klassy with a 'k'. she got an invite. not like she was held up at gunpoint and forced to attend. she can turn it down if she wants. honestly. some people....
posted by thenewmrsw 22 posts 6 months agoWow...reading this made my irritation mood increase by 100% (bad day at work). How rude!!! You have every right to be shocked.
posted by Yach 234 posts 6 months agoI agree w/ thenewmrsw. I hate when people can't own up to their own opinions and have to lump it in with others. "You know a lot of people think...." Hate that.
Good job for keeping your cool.
posted by proBM2008 50 posts 6 months agoOK, tell her I'm driving from the east coast to the midwest (a 12 hour drive one way) to go to my bridal shower. And then tell her she'll be missed because the party will be a blast! And seriously, that sounds like a great party!
posted by jma19 364 posts 6 months ago