Post # 1
has this ever happened to anyone before? My boyfriend and I will be engaged within the next couple of months and his brother recently got engaged to his gf. The wedding will be in September, and although I am invited, I am the only one who is technically ‘in the family’ who is not involved in the wedding party at all. My future fiance is going to be the best man. I just feel left out/awkward when I am visiting family and that’s all they talk about. To make matters worse, the couple is honeymooning the weekend at our future home(family owned seaside house) and getting married just before we had planned on being married ourselves. Our wedding has been pushed back to next spring. I’m just wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else before and how they handled it. I don’t want pity but honestly am tired of having to pretend to be happy about this. :/
Post # 3
So you are not engaged, but you have a wedding date?? I’m confused.
Post # 4
@MissPevensie: Look at it this way… since you aren’t in the wedding party, you won’t have any duties day of and can just relax and enjoy the celebration.
Maybe your bf’s brother and his FI didn’t think you’d want to be part of the day. Are you close enough to them to offer some help?
How big is the wedding party? Maybe the bride had too many really close friends to pick from and unfortunately couldn’t include you.
I’m also confused a bit about this being your original wedding date but you not yet being engaged.
Happiness is not finite. Be happy for them and their wedding, yours will be coming soon.
Post # 5
We are waiting for his job to finalize engagement/wedding plans, but yes. We will be married next spring.
Post # 6
Sorry, but I’m not going to offer you any sympathy.
They are engaged-you are not.
That means they get to pick their wedding date, location, details, honeymoon etc first.
As far as not being in the wedding party, you will learn more when it”s time to pick your own.
If you expect to be included because your boyfriend is in the wedding party, that is unrealistic. They are entitled to choose the people they want.
If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to spend a couple of hours socializing on your own.
Post # 7
Honestly, If you aren’t engaged to him yet then technically you may not be considered “family enough” to be in an active roll. I don’t mean that to sound mean but it is what it is. Some families don’t have girlfriends as part of family things because pictures are permanent and all of that. I’m not saying this is the case, but being upset about it really isn’t fair to be honest. If you hadn’t been invited I think that would be a different situation. But, in all fairness to them, you aren’t actually family yet.
Post # 8
Well honestly you aren’t technically “in the family”. And even if you were already married, I don’t think the bride should be under any obligation to ask her fiance’s brother’s significant other to be in the wedding party. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be happy for them? You aren’t even engaged yet so you can’t fault them for not planning things around your possible wedding plans. Also… why is the family home “your future house”? If it’s a family vacation home they have just as much right to use it for their honeymoon as any one else has to use it for any other reason.
Post # 9
When my FBIL & FSIL were married 2 years ago I was not involved in the wedding. At the time, FI and I had been together for more than 4 years and had lived together almost the entire time. While technically I was “just a girlfriend”, I really was much more. FI was the best man and I was just a regular ole’ guest. I didn’t have a problem not being in the wedding (frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted to be in it anyway) but what I did have a problem with was not being in a SINGLE picture. I was left out of family pictures and that hurt. I know it’s immature but to be honest, I’m still kind of pissed about it. With our wedding coming up in 4 months I keep thinking about “forgetting” to mention the family pictures to my FSIL just so she can see how it feels. I’d never actually do it but sometimes it’s nice to dream.
ETA: Sorry, I don’t know why I just went off on that tangent (can you tell I’ve been thinking about this lately? lol). I agree with the PP’s, if you’re not officially engaged then it’s kind of hard to claim a wedding date. Also, technically you’re not really a member of the family until it’s legal. I’d just sit back and relax. Enjoy some free food and entertainment while everyone else has to work.
Post # 10
You don’t have to be in the party to help or enjoy wedding talk. My SIL wasn’t part of the wedding, but both of her kids played a part.
Plus as a pp said you won’t have to worry about the acutally task/duty list… you can wear what you pick.. be there for a much or little support as you’d like and you don’t have to worry about being on the brides complaint list b/c something didn’t go exactly as she planned.
I get the whole not being “engaged” but being engaged… DH and I got engaged before having the ring so we didn’t really say we were engaged until getting it. As for you feeling like your wedding thunder has been stolen… your wedding is far enough after to get plenty of support and attention on you and you alone.
Just let it be and enjoy this time and the process of you soon to be FI brother wedding… you get an inside view of how family dynamics are and what you can expect for FMIL and FFIL for your planning 😉
Post # 11
Do they even know you’re going to be engaged soon? Fi’s brother got married a couple of months before we were engaged and FI was the best man. But they didn’t know we were going to be engaged, and even if they had I wouldn’t have expected them to include me in the wedding party when I wasn’t technically family yet.
Post # 12
Sorry but I don’t think you can be upset oveer this. Even if you were already married, your FBIL’s fiancee is under no obligation to ask you to be in the wedding party. I’m not asking FI’s brother’s wife because frankly, we’re not close. And yes she’ll be the only family member not in the wedding. Oh well.
Post # 13
I understand how you feel! My FSIL got married last year and every person in the family was in the wedding except me and we were engaged!! (and had been dating for NINE YEARS). My FI, his sister and her husband were all in it. I was alone all day. I definitely felt left out, but to be honest, as some of the PPs have said, I’m glad I didn’t have to buy an ugly BRIGHT PINK BM dress or all that stupid stuff that goes along with it.
Like, CaitMarae, the thing that bothered me the most was not being in one freakin picture! It honestly really hurt my feelings and when I spoke to FI about it, he was just like, oh, it’s her wedding, it’s no big deal. But it was a big deal to me and I still get upset when I think about it, an entire year later. But oh well. I just wanted to tell you that it’s ok to be hurt/upset but don’t let it get to you. Just try to be happy for them and to learn from all of their mistakes!
Post # 14
It seems like your real anger is coming from the fact that you are not married yet, and that they are getting married before you. And I’m sorry, but that is NOT their fault, not even a little bit. You’re going to want them to be happy for you, so why can’t you be happy for them – why do you have to pretend? If you’re not even truly happy for the bride I can’t imagine why you’d expect to be one of her bridesmaids – who wants a bridesmaid that is angry about the wedding?
Post # 15
@peaches1038: I’m happy to see that I’m not alone in the whole picture bitterness thing. If it was just the family pictures that I was left out of then wahtever (I still think it’s crappy though) but every single member of their BP had MULTIPLE pictures taken with their SO’s and there was not a single one of FI and I. I don’t want to say that this was planned but it seems little strange that everyone else managed to get some pictures besides us.
FI’s whole family was upset over it (even his grandmother). They all felt that I should have been in those pictures but my FBIL & FSIL apparently didn’t care. Too late to do anything about it now but it’s something that I’ll certainly remember.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Choosing a wedding party is really, really hard even when you go into it thinking it will be easy. Even when you really like the person your sibling is dating, you probably won’t pick them because if you guys were to break up, it would be really awkward for him. I’m not saying she thinks you guys will, but there’s always a possibility and I personally would allow for that if I were her.
@UpstateCait: The picture thing really is crappy, though! You would think they would put you in at least a couple! 🙁