Post # 1
I was talking with a coworker today who has been with her SO since high school and is now 28. They have NO DESIRE to EVER marry. They feel like why complicate things with marriage? They are committed, in love, share a home, share bills, share housework, may or may not have kids someday…..they share everything that married couples share, so really, what’s the point of “sealing the deal.”
So here’s my question to those of you who live with SO/FI and do plan to marry…..”why seal the deal” if living together works just as well?
I know there are a ton of cohabitation threads on here…some feel very strongly that they would never marry someone without living together first…..others feel just as strongly about not living together first ( the latter being my stance)…..seeing how this is a wedding planning site, there are no ladies here who are happy “just living together” but why not?
This is a judgment free zone……just curious. 🙂
Post # 3
@KallahinBaltimore: Haha, my Fi is in the Army so getting married is rather necessary for us, since the Army doesn’t give a crap about me unless I’m his legal spouse. But, we have some older couple friends that have been together a zillion years and never bothered getting married, and when Fi and I got engaged their reaction was hilarious. The woman was like, “Ohhhh man, feel how heavy that ring is? Only gonna get heavier!”
At that point I reminded her that her joint mortgage and son were both probably a lot heavier than a few diamonds
So in other words, commitment is commitment, so I thought it was funny that she was okay to own a house together and raise a kid together, but walking down an aisle and signing a form? FORGET IT! Though apparently the paperwork involved in not being married is even worse — so many forms to be allowed into the hospital with them, etc.
Post # 4
I think the basic legal rights of being married is a big deal. What if something happens to their partner?
For me, marriage is a committment both legally and for religious reasons. I feel like not committing yourselves formally is not “enough”.
Being husband and wife is more than just a piece of paper.
Post # 5
For us, we knew we wanted to get married when we started dating. When we met, we lived about 3 hours apart, so sort of long distance, but we still saw each other nearly every weekend. When his lease was up, we decided that it would be smarter for us to live together so we are only paying rent for one location, not two. We had already talked about getting married one day and we were on the same page about our lives, our relationship, and what we wanted.
I guess for us, it just boiled down to the economy, as well as getting to know each other better (like, does he leave the towel on the floor, or squeeze the toothpaste from the middle?) Another thing was that he had to find a job in my city, so it wasn’t feasible for him to rent his own place and pay his own bills without a job.
Post # 6
Especially as you get older, the hospital visitation rights, being the “next-of-kin” matters a lot.
Post # 7
that’s great for your coworker. but it seems like their plans have less to do with the fact that they decided to live together before marriage and more to do with how they regard legal marriage in general… i moved in with my Fiance a few months after we got engaged and i can tell you that having a joint life only makes me want to get married to him all the more. to each her own!
its absurd to say that cohabitation makes people complacent in terms of commitment. its equally absurd to say those who do not cohabitate are destined to fail once married.
Post # 8
My cousin has been with her boyfriend for 24 years. They moved in together about 5-6 years ago. They have no plans to marry. She has stated the would only marry for legal reasons but not because it is their desire to be married. I say relationships are tough and each one is different. Do what works whether that would be what I do or not.
In my case, I was OK not getting married because I did not want children. We moved in together 3 years into our relationship. Still I didn’t feel the need to be married. I should say Darling Husband has always wanted that married happy picket fence life. It wasn’t until we began to talk about kids that I felt we then needed to get married. If I still felt like kids were not in the picture for me, I may have never gotten married.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Why not just live together and be happy? I think the answer is different for every person. For me, I value the institution of marriage. I value its ideals, promises, commitments, and symbolism. It was something that I wanted for my relationship with Mr. LK because I needed to share all of those things with him, and I needed him to need to share those things with me. Fortunately our needs and goals aligned, and we moved forward together with shared goals and a shared vision as a married couple. And I friggin LOVE being married. It feels better than I ever imagined that it could. It was the right choice for us.
Post # 10
I asked my Fiance this. . I’m divorced and would have been fine living together for the rest of our lives. I didn’t need a piece of paper or a ring. Fiance was a confirmed bachelor who announced he was never getting married. EVER.
His answer – “I want you to be my wife”. I thought that was so sweet!
Post # 11
My Darling Husband and I lived together for years before getting married. We were in a committed relationship at the time, I was living with my grandparents and they needed my rooms for my grandma’s sister who needed live in help. My choices were move in with him and his roommate, find my own apartment on my very little pay (Y Daycamp Counselor…we got paid in potato chips…hehe) or move back in with my parents.
I chose to move in with him. It was cost effective and I was already over there all the time anyway. We had a timeline to get married when I moved in, plus we wanted children. When I got my big girl job, we started wedding planning…following the plan.
We both feel like marriage is the ultimate commitment to each other, and we did not want to have children without being married. We are now merging our finances, making plans to make big purchases, and loving being married.
Hope This Helps
Post # 12
I think that the biggest difference is standing up before one or more groups (God, each other, country, family and friends) and making that commitment is larger than just sharing everything. “Sealing the deal” is something that is very necessary for me and my Fiance because its a constant reminder of just how important that commitment is.
Post # 13
We were very happy just living together, and even discussed continuing that indefinitely the way your coworker mentioned. We knew we planned to spend the rest of our lives together, and we felt no need for outside validation. Actually, we still don’t really feel the need for outside validation.
We are CBC, so having children was never a motivation for us the way it is for so many couples. We ended up getting married because it made more financial sense. I became eligible for grants for school that I was previously ineligible for based on my parents’ income (which I had to count until I was 24 or married even though they did not give me one cent for anything). TBH, we may have never tied the knot if this (or some other logical reason) hadn’t come up, but we do sleep easier knowing we have spousal rights in the event of a tragedy (although we could have likely achieved similar rights through other avenues). We don’t feel any different than before we were married. I think you can have commitment without marriage and marriage without commitment (I would never be ok with marriage without committment, but it does happen), so it’s only as important as you feel it is.
Post # 14
To me, the goal was always marriage. We ended up living together, but neve officially “moved in”, it just happened. I’m not religious, but I do think that marriage is important.
I started out my response dead set on telling you why, but I don’t really know why… hmmm…
Post # 15
I was one of those girls that dreamed of my wedding my entire life; I knew I wanted to be married. Fiance was one of the guys who never thought he’d get married, and he was content that way. But when he met me, he knew immediately he could see himself marrying me. For us, it’s just a way to show that we love each other completely. (No judgement here for those who cohabitate; Fiance has a cousin and her boyfriend that have been together 20- something years and have 4 kids, and they’re happy as heck, and I have a cousin and his girlfriend who’ve been together 7 or so years and don’t plan on getting married.) It’s just not in the cards for some people; they’re happy the way they are. But I want to give my husband that respect, (because according to our belief system, it is respect) and he wants to give me his whole life, strings attached. I believe it’s when there aren’t strings that things can get messy (they can anyway, but the strings sometimes hold the unity together, ya know?)
Post # 16
Aside from just wanting that level of commitment, legal reasons are a huge factor in deciding to marry. I’m not sure how it is in other areas of the country (or elsewhere), but in NY, without being legally married you have very few rights to your SO. It’s scary to think about what would happen if he was sick or dying and I had no leg to stand on as far as his care was concerned.
Personally, I always knew that I wanted to get married and thankfully Darling Husband was on the same page. We lived together for many years (6.5 to be exact) before getting tieing the knot but we were never in the mindset of “why bother”. Sure, we were basically as married as two people could be without it being legal (we joined finances years before getting engaged), but there’s still something about that piece of paper that changes everything. I personally wouldn’t have been okay with never taking that next step but I know people who live like that and it works for them.