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The other woman's ring...

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: The proverbial noose/ring around my neck, what should I do with it?
    Cut it off - Ask him to sell it (the sooner the better) : (30 votes)
    57 %
    Loosen it - Give him time (he'll get to it eventually) : (16 votes)
    30 %
    Forget it - It's not bothering anyone : (7 votes)
    13 %
  •  
    1.
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    My fiance, had a live-in girlfriend before me. They were together for close to 5 years. At some point during the happier parts of their relationship he bought an engagement ring for her and hid it away for the 'perfect' opportunity to propose. Their relationship never got better but eventually got worse and he never ended up proposing and did end up breaking up with her in the end. Their relationship ended over 3 years ago and he must have forgotten about that ring in his drawer. We met, fell in love, and now are engaged. A few months ago we started to pack up some of his stuff for storage and throw out other items when we came accross the following: The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships 31b2svq%2Bn0L At the time he agreed to find the original paperwork and try to sell it, if possible. The ring is still there, like a proverbial noose (ring) around my neck. I think it's bad karma to keep it around, and we could use the money (we are officially over budget for the wedding). However, I don't want to push him to sell it if he's not ready (although he could just be procrastinating). What should I do?

    Also has anyone ever tried selling an engagement ring, what is the process?

    Any help is greatly appreciated.

     
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    Mrs. DG    July 18, 2009   Seattle/Tahoe

    I wouldn't sweat it too much.  You might want to talk to him and see how he feels about having it and what it might represent to him.  It might be that he is just procrastinating, or it might be that there is some deeper meaning behind holding on to it.  It's hard to know without getting his take on it.

    Does he know that it feels like a noose to you?  I would imagine that he might be moved to act if he knew it was upsetting in any way to you.

    Healthy communication is key here.  He needs to not feel judged or criticized when you discuss it, and you need to feel heard.  This means coming across as accepting of him and loving.  You are well on your way to that, because it already comes across in your post.

    Good luck.  Keep us posted.

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Grace_Kelly.jpg (35.9 KB, 26 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    I'll keep you guys posted.  I do try to communicate, but I dont want to push too much.  Not sure if he's being dense, or what.

    Also neither of us know quite what to do with the ring.  To get a GIA certificate we need to send the loose stone, he doesn't know who to go to doesn't want to get ripped off.  I'm not accustomed to dealling with jewelry like tht so I can't help with that.

     
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    Wow, did this post of yours ever come at the perfect time! I'd talk to him about it again. He probably just forgot.

    On a very related note, today I took a huge step for us. See, we each came to this relationship with an old ring. At the time, we didn't know what to do with them, so we stuck them in a box with our financial documents and other 'only look at if needed' items - a locked box where they'd be out of the way, basically.

    It's been a long time now, and I don't really see any reason for keeping these 'sad' reminders around. My ring had my grandma's diamonds on it though, and I wanted them back.  So I decided to take a trip down to our jeweler, where we picked out my (soon to be my) ring. Although I was going there to get my diamonds out (and ask about a "secret diamond" for his band - I could use my grandma's diamonds for this - they're very small, pave sidestone-sized), I decided, what the hell, and brought his big (platinum) band with me too. 

    And after removing my grandma's diamonds, I found that the rest of the stuff (the remaining diamonds, my metal, his metal) was worth $500 in trade! (I wasn't expecting that much, since my old ring wasn't too fancy). It was definitely worth it to bring this up to him, and we both agree that it's a good thing to have the extra money in our budget and to have old memories out of the house! It's rare when a past mistake can actually help you in a TANGIBLE way....!

    On a sidenote: I got to "visit" my diamond while i was there (it's awaiting the setting). YAY shiny!

     

     
    5.
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    Tanya123      

    I don't know what the process is, or how much you can get back for it.  My husband gave me the OK to sell his old wedding ring.  So I can relate to wanting to get rid of it.  However....if it's a nice diamond go have it reset girl!  Make a nice pendant out of it.  It was only bad kharma for her. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Icon Wink

     
    6.
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    Oh, and I didn't have any papers for my diamond. I did trust my jeweler though, and he gave me a price I thought was plenty reasonable. More than a pawn shop would have, which was a little less than half of what was originally paid for it. I think it's kind of like a used car - you will not be getting your original value back. I was just happy to get SOMETHING and have them take it off my hands. ;)

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img djricardodestinationdjspecialist.jpg (91.3 KB, 32 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    Oh Marquisemiss, I'm glad you figured out what to do with yours.    what was the background on your rings if you don't mind my asking.  You mentioned yours was your Grandma's?

     
    8.
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    Well two of the diamonds were grandmas:

    Me:

    When I graduated from h.s., my grandma gave me a pair of little earrings that had like .005 carat diamonds on them. (They're really small). They were my grand grandma's and were really loose - so I never wore them because I was afraid i'd lose the diamonds. When I had my ring made, it was just a gold solitare ring (about a quarter-carat) and i decided to have those two diamonds, and one other one that i bought to match them, put in to the band. 

    Well the marriage did'nt work out, so I was left with this ring that had great grandma's diamonds in it. Today, I finally did something about that! 

    Him:

    He and his ex-FI bought their rings together, but never actually tied the knot. So when they broke up, he was left with this brand new HEAVY platinum  band.

    Us:

    These breakups were hard for us, and we each are the first person we dated after those breakups (and the last! The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Icon Biggrin). When moving in together, the rings surfaced and we had to do SOMETHING with them. Neither of us really wanted to deal with them, I guess, so we stuck them in a box together (a BLACK box, haha, a Box of Fail, as we called it), and locked them away.

    Now that we're planning to tie the knot,  it's been in the back of my mind that i have this OTHER ring, and so does he. So I finally decided to do something about it. Honestly if they had offered me 50 bucks for all of it i would have taken it, just to "cleanse" our home of it!!

     
    9.
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    Wow MissMarquise you guys must be so happy to have found each other.  I'm also glad you can find something to do with the rings.

    I'm glad he didn't try to give me the old ring, not my style.  I found out that we can get the diamond GIA certified if we send them the loose stone, that seems a little nutty I think.  If he sells the ring I want him to buy himself a camera he's been wanting some high tech camera with 18X zoom and over 10+ megapixels.  We wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise, even though I've been trying to scrape some money together, it's still over $400.

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Cham.jpg (42.4 KB, 35 downloads) 2 years old
    2. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Chocolate_Pintuck.JPG (31.3 KB, 31 downloads) 2 years old
     
    10.
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    Oooo that's a good idea. Though the idea was "wow this'll save us money on the ring", the man has convinced me that we need to get a Wii. So, that's what I'm about to do. (Gonna get a wii fit - so it's an investment in health, right? lol)

    If the ring's like that one in the picture, you could just give it to me The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Icon Biggrin haha. I would be glad to take it off your hands for free! LOL - I like me some marquise! The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Icon Razz I agree, it's good that he didn't give it to you! That'd be really weird. We're trying to make sure we get a ring for my mr.marquise that is different from the one he had before - which is hard since he really only likes very plain styles. 

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Organza_Sash_7.5x108in_-_Chocolate.JPG (20.6 KB, 31 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    Why don't you try for a different metal.  Like Titanium.  My sister's husband has one and loves it.  If you want platinum, Scott Kay darkens theirs and it makes it look real masculine.  My FH has a scott kay ring.

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Vict.jpg (47.7 KB, 57 downloads) 2 years old
    2. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Turq.jpg (42.2 KB, 36 downloads) 2 years old
    3. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Silv.jpg (67.4 KB, 38 downloads) 2 years old
    4. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Plum.jpg (44.7 KB, 42 downloads) 2 years old
    5. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Cham.jpg (42.4 KB, 44 downloads) 2 years old
    6. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Pintuck_120inch_Round_Tablecloth-_Blac.jpg (39.8 KB, 31 downloads) 2 years old
     
    12.
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    penguin    June 7, 2008   Berkeley, Ca

    I see no harm in trying to sell it IMMEDIATELY and using the money to get something he/you/you both enjoy! 

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img whitehydrangeas_and_curly_willow.jpg (127.8 KB, 36 downloads) 2 years old
    2. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img redroses_and_white_calla.jpg (99 KB, 24 downloads) 2 years old
    3. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img juliapetersamin3.jpg (14.9 KB, 22 downloads) 2 years old
    4. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img juliapetersamin12.jpg (11.2 KB, 23 downloads) 2 years old
     
    13.
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    Habibi      

    We've had a family stone graded by GIA. I would recommend bringing it to a trusted jeweler to have it removed if you go this route. Ask that they remove it in front of you so it cant be switched. The stone we had graded was somewhat small so we decided not to sell it just yet. However, since the ring has a negative past for you, I'd sell it for whatever you can and consider it found money. Put it towards your wedding bands or something else for your future together.

    On a totally different note, my aunt had the stone from my uncle's first fiance reset for her engagement ring. She figured it was just the stone and had nothing to do with the ring she wanted. They've been married for 18 yrs now.

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Charger_Trio.JPG (1246.7 KB, 52 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    Lillindy    September 2008   Bay Area, CA

    If it's bothering you that much, just sell it as soon as you can and do what Mrs. Penguin said, use the money for the two of you.

     
    15.
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    @chela - that's the plan. Right now he's liking the titanium and the tungsten ones. They're practically indestructable, too!

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img fl-9-oleg-cassini-cv273-size-4.jpg (24.9 KB, 130 downloads) 2 years old
    2. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Oleg-Cassini-A-line-cv273-ivory-2009-3.jpg (104.2 KB, 99 downloads) 2 years old
    3. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img fl-4-oleg-cassini-cv273-size-4.jpg (28.5 KB, 77 downloads) 2 years old
    4. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img Oleg-Cassini-A-line-CV-273-ivory-2009-.jpg (41.7 KB, 113 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    my brother-in-law has one and opens bottles with it.

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img dominique_bustier.jpg (5.3 KB, 39 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    LatteLove    June 19, 2009   Chicago/San Diego

    I'm definitely in the "get rid of it ASAP" crowd.  I don't think I could handle something that personal of a reminder around at all.  Plus it's $$ for the wedding (or a weekend away or a new dishwasher...)

     
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    MightySapphire      

    I would never ever reset the stone and keep it.  It's a reminder to him of that relationship.  I have been slowly purging all of my stuff from my past relationships as I have let the emotional ties I had to them ebb.  I would let him take as much time as he needs to sell it.  Because when he does sell it, it'll be because he is ready to completely let go.  If you do it for him he may never be able to let go.  If he's a good guy, he must have had a reason to love her, and must be sad that that is gone.  So let him take his own time.  I once heard it takes 2x as long as you were together to get over a relationship, so it might take him like 10 years.  But at least it'll all be behind him.  Until then...hide it in a deep dark box somewhere.

     
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    Chela429    3/29/09   Long Island, NY

    I think I am going to give him his time.  Maybe I can get a black box for it like MissMarquise did.  Habibi thanks for the insight on selling it.  I'm not too keen about having it around but it isnt the end of world.

     
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    maryjane    September 9, 2009   Grand Forks, ND

    Time is definitely a healer. When i first got over my relationship, I got rid of a lot of stuff (photos/mementos/etc) but not ALL of it. Only recently have I been able to take the next step and really "purge" everything. 

    Attachments

    1. The other woman's ring... :  wedding ring ex relationships Img CIMG5890.JPG (696.4 KB, 28 downloads) 2 years old
     
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    happilywaiting       Massachusetts

    We were both previously engaged in past relationships. I gave my ring back to my ex when we broke up. My guy still had the ring from previous gf (she had given it back to him). While I knew he had it when we met, I had never seen it nor wanted to. However, one day while I was searching for something in his kitchen (I was suprising him with dinner - normally I do not cook) I found the e-ring in a kitchen cabinet. Of course my curiousity got the better of me & I opened the box to take a look - ugh - totally NOT my style. So I closed the box & placed it back on the shelf where I had found it and never told him that I had seen it. A few more months went by & he said that he wanted to get rid of the ring and had a friend at work interested in buying it (he had been unable to afford an e-ring for his wife when they were engaged) so I said "Wow, great idea!". He brought the ring to work the following Monday and that was that.

     
    22.
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    Chendabride    June 2010   New York, NY

    There is this website for people to resell e-rings and wedding bands. http://www.idonowidont.com

    Entertaining or sad, depending on your perspective, I suppose. But perhaps it's a way to sell the ring w/o getting ripped off by a retail jeweler.

     Anyway, I definitely think that you should talk about it with your fiance. Communication is good for marriage. Good luck!

     
    23.
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    ready2bmrsd    10/10/09   Laughlin, NV

    I think that if it isn't bothering you as much as it once did, hang on to it just long enough to do a bit of homework.  You can always get it appraised and then get a second opinion.  Out of curiosity, where are you located?  I have a family friend that is a jeweler in LA that would give you a fair evaluation.  PM me if you're interested in their contact info!  Best of luck!

     
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    suzanno    7/12/08   Richland, WA

    Right now, you can get a really good price for the gold, even if the stone isn't worth a lot.  So from that perspective, it's a good time to sell.

    My husband was married before, and for almost 20 years.  So he had a huge amount of stuff - boxes of old photos, cards, even some of her clothes in one of the closets (really).  I had a really hard time understanding that - as I would have been rid of everything while I was still pissed off (she was having an affair, and he basically kicked her out because she refused to end it).  He just really never got around to getting rid of anything that she didn't take with her, which was a lot.

    Anyway, I tried to be cool about it the entire time we were engaged - until we started planning the move (he and his two kids moved into my house).  At that point I told him that while we were packing, all that stuff had to go - with the single exception of the photos, which could be stored in boxes in the garage until we had time to go through them.

    Luckily there is no ring issue.  He had actually never bought her an engagement or wedding ring.  At the time they were married, he didn't have much money.  And her family was quite well off, and had an heirloom ring, so she chose to wear that (the very strong implication being - as he tells it - that he couldn't buy her anything that would be good enough for her).  As a result, he had such a good time picking out my rings! 

    Anyway, I would try to be reasonable about it until you share a house or apartment that is yours.  It's hard to tell somebody that they HAVE to get rid of stuff in their own house, when it's not your house too.  When it's about to become your house too, and especially when there is a move involved, it's a great time to get rid of all that kind of stuff.  And seriously, when you're thinking about paying for a wedding, why not sell anything you don't want that might be worth something?

     
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    Worker bee
    yellowrose    10/3/09   Dallas

    No old ring, but my fiance has the dishes from his first marriage... He's going to sell them on Ebay, as I explained to him that I didn't want his ex-wife's presence at our holiday dinners! plus they're not my style. 

     

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