Post # 1
When my Fiance and I started talking about where we wanted to tie the knot, I compromised right away saying we could get married at his church since I wasnt a religious church-goer growing up.
So when we started going to our marriage “classes” with his Pastor, I realize that I really do not have a soft spot for this man. He is a young pastor, with old school beliefs (which is fine) but he is SO ABRASIVE! He says things to us that makes me just want to get up and leave. I have cried both times after leaving the church because he has upset me so much.
I am Methodist (pretty laid back faith) and my Fiance is Lutheran Wels. The Pastor, when we were going through our readings, asked me on the first day we had ever even met if I had gay friends. I replied that I do and he told me that I need to say to those friends that they are sinners and they are going to hell if that is the lifestyle that they choose. I was appalled and speechless, then angry. Who am I to judge others and how they live their lives?
He never introduced himself to me, made an issue of me having gay friends, wont let me have my own guitar soloist because he is not a Lutheran and he is just plain rude! I have tried to let everything slide, and its causing a problem between my fiance and I because I dont want to get married by someone who makes BOTH of us feel this way. My fiance has made comments about the pastor as well and that he isnt particularily fond of him, yet I KNOW he doesnt NOT want to get married in his own church.
WHAT DO I DO?!
Post # 3
I am sorry you are having to go through this. If it were me, I would probabley find someone else to marry us. Is there any way to have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. Maybe your Fiance could talk to him for both of you with you there.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are going through this. In My Humble Opinion, your wedding is too important to be married by someone you don’t like or respect. Talk to your Fiance and if you both agree that this pastor is not someone you are comfortable with, then start looking for a new place to get hitched or as the church if there is someone else who can marry you. Not letting you have a guitar player who isn’t Lutheran? That’s ridiculous and don’t even get me started on the gay friends comments!
Your wedding should be about LOVE and you and your man – not this guy and his views. Good luck!
Post # 5
Your two poll answers “Suck it up” and “Let it slide” mean the same thing to me.
This would not be OK. If it’s causing issues between you and Fiance and neither of you feels comfortable with this man, things need to change. Is there another Lutheran church nearby that you could get married at instead? Or have a visiting pastor?
Post # 6
I agree with ladyox – who does this guy think he is anyway. Most people in a religious setting are starting to learn that they can’t just impose their beliefs on others and force them to think/act a certain way – apparently this guy never got the memo.
I would talk to your Fiance immediately and see if you can either find another option or talk to the pastor and have him understand that there are certain things about your day that you want and if he’s not willing to oblige, you will get married elsewhere. You don’t want to remember your day with this guy in it treating you the way he currently is.
Post # 7
I have asked the Pastor what the capacity of the church is and he said 200ish, and I thought this was my way out ladies since our guest list is over 350! He did offer to look into some other Lutheran Churches in the surrounding areas and I really thought I had gotten out of it, when I kept asking my Fiance and out of nowhere he blew up at me that ever since the pastor had mentioned a different church I had been all over it 🙁 We had a huge fight (we are good now) and I just keep trying to reason with my Fiance that #1 the church isnt going to be big enough and #2its not fair that we both dont want to get married by this man
—another piece of the story I left out accidentally— The Pastor is new that just came to the church within the last 6months…so my Fi doesnt even really know who this Pastor is. Also, my Mother-In-Law to be thanked me repeatedly a week ago with tears in her eyes that I am getting married at their church and it means so much more to her. So now its even harder for me
Post # 8
Is there a senior or junior pastor at this church or is this guy the one and only pastor there? I’d request another pastor if possible, if not, I’d let it slide if it means so much to your Fiance that you guys get married at that church.
Post # 9
Wow…I come from a very conservative religion and I have talked w/ my Bishop in meetings and talked to him before I got married and I never ever had anything like that asked of me. I would be truly shocked by that kind of behavior. Being married is a special thing, as we all know, and I wouldn’t want the experience to be dampened by a pastor who is a jerkwad. I respect his religious beliefs, but I don’t respect the way he handled himself. I think I would try to find someone else to marr you.
Post # 10
I won’t get on my soapbox about idiot clergy but this man certainly doesn’t sound like a man of God to me. Is there someone else in that church that you can speak to? We’re Catholic but I know in our church there’s usually 2-3 priests you can talk to.
If not, I’d check into other churches in the area. You’ve got some time between now & August but with summer weddings I’d check earlier than later.
Post # 11
He is the only Pastor in the church….smalltown Minnesota for ya…
Post # 12
There has got to be a way to get out of having this guy perform the ceremony. Ug, he sounds as if he hasn’t grasped his pastoral role yet.
Post # 13
I’d suggest talking to your Fiance about this. Obviously you want you wedding to be something special and having someone you don’t really like perform the ceremony would probably put a damper on your attitude. Maybe you all can find another person to perform the ceremony or have someone you know do get certified – especially since neither of you like him.
I think it would be different if he had mentioned these things if you asked him – but he seems to be forcing his idea of passing judgement onto the both of you. Not only is he wrong, but he’s ridiculous to expect everyone he comes in contact with to automatically accept his extreme approach to the Christian faith.
Post # 14
Ohhh I feel so badly for you. We met with 4 different priests before we found one that wasn’t an ass that we would allow to marry us. Of the four priests, 2 of them made me cry. That was enough for me. If you come home crying, or this pastor in any way makes you feel bad about youself, then, to me, that is a clear indication that this priest is not for you. I was also fixated on having a priest from my church, but in the end we went with someone entirely different. I realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing- which is why priest after priest, it wasn’t working. I had to learn the hard way that clergymen are just people too- they make colossal mistakes, they can act like jerks, and they can be messed up just like the rest of us. From the time I was a kid, I was raised to hold them in such high regard- to treat them like God- like they were a deity- when in actuality they’re NOT. It was a hard, but valuable lesson for me to learn.
God works in mysterious ways, and I now know there was a reason all those other priests didn’t work out. I ended up finding a (female) priest who is wonderful, and we know she is absolutely the right PERSON to officiate at our ceremony. Had I not been through all the bad experiences with all the other priests, I wouldn’t have considered or appreciated the priest we did end up with. So in a way, I should thank the rest of them for being such offensive, outrageous jerks to me- because it led me in a direction I wouldn’t have otherwise considered – to the priest I was clearly meant to have all along.
You should talk to your Fiance about how awful you feel and see if you maybe want to at least consider going a different route. Best of luck to you. Trust me, I feel your pain.