(Closed) the period before your proposal

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think this is a very important part of the relationship and most couples go through something like this – I think my FI and I went through something similar at our 2 year stage (we have been together 6 years).

I think it is important that you work through this stage together before continuing your plans for engagement/marriage. After awhile the honeymooning period of a new relationship wears off and people stop being on their best behaviour. I do think you will be able to work through it though – it is reality. Once you are able to work through these issues you will have a better idea of how to work through problems that you will come across in your future life together!

I wish you and your SO all the very best!

Post # 4
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

(Hugs).  I’m sure it’s hard.  It sounds, thought, like you have a good head on your shoulders.  You want to be sensible.  

But you didn’t mention much about your situation.  Have you been dating long?  Are either of you in school or a similar situation where getting married might be too challenging?  There might be some good reasons he has to legitimately want to put off the wedding that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wrong for each other.  (I guess I’m assuming that is where the tension is coming from, even thought he originally said your timeline was fine.  Maybe I’m wrong.)

I think you’re on the right track talking to him.  Good luck.  Keep us updated.

Post # 5
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I had a ton of conversations like this – even the night before he proposed.  Ultimately, for me, it was important to figure out where my emotions were.  I was scared that I was investing in a relationship where he wasn’t serious about getting married.  I felt exactly like you did at 2 years.  It was almost 4 until he asked.  On top of this, friends started dating and getting married within the time of our relationship – and, quite frankly, it drove me bonkers.  Don’t use 2 years as a measuring stick – every relationship is different.  

What is your BF saying about marriage?  Does he want to get married?  Are there things impeding him from getting married?  Guys will usually tell you exactly what they want/feel – it’s our interpretation of what they say that sometimes gets in the way.

Pre-FI, I was with someone on and off for 7 years.  I really wanted to marry him, but I finally realized he wasn’t ready to grow up.  He wasn’t willing to do what I needed him to do (ie: finish school, etc.) and I ended up not being willing to wait around any longer until he did so…You mention wondering if he is right for you – what things in the relationship that make you feel that way?

Post # 6
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sometimes when girls give their guy an ultimatum about getting engaged now, it freaks them out.  They might want to get married but having someone pressuring them into getting married scares them and makes them worried about it.

How is your relationship going otherwise?  Do you think that maybe the two of you should go to counseling to talk about your relationship issues?  I understand wanting to move forward in your relationship but some couples have different timelines for that sort of thing.

I definetly think you two should work on your relationship before going ahead and getting engaged.  You might just be getting past the honeymoon part of your relationship where things are starting to become more real instead of just a perfect dream.

Post # 7
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

From the sound of your post, I think you could benefit from some pre-marital counseling to help you figure out if you love each other enough to get through the issues you seem to be having as a couple. We were just about at the 2 year mark when we got engaged, and we had definitely been through some hard times together. And even when we were engaged, wedding planning was a real test of our love for each other. I learned that we would both do pretty much anything for one another, even if we didn’t like what we had to do b/c we loved each other and we were both committed to making it work. Now, 2 years married, we’re stronger than ever, and we weather the ups and downs like pros. I’m not saying it’s easy by any stretch, but we definitely know that crappy things are going to get thrown at us, but we never have to go it alone b/c we have each other. You have to decide if you are that person for each other…

Post # 8
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

FI and I had a very rough patch about 9 months into our relationship.  We took a little pause from each other, then came back both ready to hunker down and work through our problems.  We knew it would take time to work certain issues out, and we were even prepared for things to get worse before getting better (which thankfully wasn’t the case!).  It took a few months, and there were certainly a few steps back, but eventually things got back on course and we’ve been better than ever.  In fact that same time, 1 yr later, is when he proposed!

Post # 9
Member
2027 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am in complete agreement with Future Mrs. Martin on this! Every couple goes through rough patches, and I also personally went through this period with my husband between the 2 and three year mark (we dated for 6 years before getting engaged, though). It’s just that the honeymoon stage is over, and now is the time to start working through any underlying issues. Once you make it through, though, you’ll be stronger than ever!

I am also in agreement that you should probably wait until you two are settled again before getting engaged. This can be a pretty hairy time, and you’ll want to be sure any doubts are out the window! Just remember that if you two really love each other, it is worth it to stick it out. No matter who you end up with, I think it would be extremely rare not to have to go through a period of adjustment after that first year or so of being sooo crazy about each other (new love..ahhh).

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