The plus 1 situation

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s my personal opinion, and what is typically accepted in my social circle, that anyone who identifies themselves as being in a relationship should be treated as a social unit.

 

Now, you didn’t invite this person because at the time of the STDs they weren’t an item.  However, when the invitations went out they were and he should have been invited by name.

 

As for your capacity, well you have to make cuts somewhere.  When it came down to it for us, if we couldn’t accommodate an entire social unit in our budget or our venue, then neither of them were invited.

 

Post # 5
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

he should be invited.  you will probably receive some no responses.

Post # 6
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would probably invite him, but if you’re seriously over capacity, can you say he’ll be the first person invited if your numbers allow for it? That might help smooth negative feelings.

Post # 7
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Where I’m from the +1 is pretty much only if you’re in a solid relationship. You rarely get to just bring a random unless you’re not going to know a single person and the bride and groom have space.

In this case, it sounds like they are a unit so he should be invited, but if you seriously can’t squeeze him in, I would explain politely to your friend and tell her it’s nothing personal. As PP said, put him at the top of the reserve list.

 

Post # 8
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TheFutureWife:  Yikes!  Well as PPs said, you do really need to invite him.  Since you are over capacity, I seriously think you need to consider finding a different venue. How many people are you over?  You should always plan on 100% attendance!  

If not, then the next best thing is to apologize for the mix up and say that as soon as you get an RSVP no and are back under capacity that he will definitely be invited.

Post # 9
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is insanely fast–How were you supposed to anticipate the possible extra guest?

If she’s going to know other people there, I say stand strong on not inviting him.

Post # 10
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

You’re right. You cannot please everyone and it’s not always clear cut. 

I feel like in that specific situation, I probably would say something like, “My bad on the leaving him off the invite, of course he is welcome to come with you.” But you do have to draw the line somewhere. 

Post # 11
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@TheFutureWife:  I disagree with prior posters.  Your wedding guest list was obviously established prior to them becoming a social unit.  Even if you moved in with eachother, I would think that you need at least a year of dating or being together before you can start getting offended that your SO is not invited everywhere. 

This is way too much pressure on anyone to be constantly updating their list like that.  From the sound of it, the STD was sent out, probably 5 months ago, the relationship started, and they moved in together.  The only way to anticipate this is to have room for extra invites on your guest list. How many people have room for just random extra people on their guest lists?  Most of us are scraping just to get our must invites on the list.  Some of us have B lists for people we are closer to than a guy a friend sarted dating recently.  Should she kick someone else who she sent a STD out to accomidate a guy our friend started dating within the last at the max 8 months (guessing from the post)?

ETA to add: I am just curious for everyone who says that the OP should invite this guy; How is OP to make room for him?  Pray that she has enough declines? Dis-invite someone she sent a STD too? 

Post # 12
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I would just explain to her that you REALLY want her to be there, and you want to accomodate her by allowing her SO to join her, but you aren’t sure if you will be legally allowed to invite him since the capacity has been met. Tell her you will let her know in a few weeks how many people have declined, and then get back to her. I would also let her know that if she ends up not coming because there isn’t room for him to come as well that there will be no hard feelings. If you aren’t drastically over capacity, and you know some people will decline, I’d just tell her he can come. No big deal.

Post # 13
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TheFutureWife:  I’m not sure why the speed at which their relationship moved has much bearing on the situation at all.  If you’re extending +1s to all couples that live together, this really should be no exception.  It’s not like they met and moved in together after you sent the invitations out.  What if they had decided to get married after a couple weeks of dating? I’m sure you can squeeze one extra person in there without notice.  You’ll have people decline and when that happens, he should absolutely be invited to attend.

Post # 14
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

Sorry but you need to invite him. If they weren’t living together then it would be ok to tell her that her bf can’t come. 

Post # 15
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

STD is not an invitation. If they were bf and gf, living together or not, at the time you send the inviation both shiuld be invited. 

I had a ssimilar situation where my then-bf (we were on the marriage track very quickly, not living together though) was invited to a wedding. I was not. When the invites went out the couple had no idea that he started dating me and our relationship was serious. I was not offended in the least. In your case, you hahaven’t even sent the invitations.

Post # 16
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Misswhowedding:  unless this one guy is the reason for the OP exceeded capacity it looks like she would need to find a new venue anyway. There will likely be some regrets,  but for right now working off of all accepts she is over.

Or she doesn’t have to make room for him at all. The right thibg to do in this case is have a convo with her friend about why she can no longer invite her to the wedding. We are over capacity.

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