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We are inviting all of our friends with a plus one.
Our cousins will be invited with a plus one only if they are in a serious relationship. We feel that they will know plenty of people there and don't need to bring dates.
If a guest is in an established relationship (i.e. has a bf or gf and not just casualy dating) when the invites go out, then you need to invite their SO (it's proper etiquette). The only exception I think to this rule is for guests under 18 - i.e. if they are still in middle school or high school you don't have to invite their SO. You should probably confirm this with someone else though. Even if you don't like the BF or GF or they haven't been dating for very long, you still need to invite them.
However, if a guest is not dating anyone, then you don't need to give them a +1. If they have to travel for your wedding or won't know anyone else there then it's polite to give them a +1, but it isn't required. Also, if a guest starts dating someone AFTER the invites go out, then I don't think you need to invite them. If you have the space it'd be a nice gesture, but once again, it's not required.
@Stace126: I've heard that it's proper to invite only couples in a "committed relationship." But ... what exactly does that mean? Engaged? Married? Dating for a long time?
This is why I dislike it when people say they are only inviting couples in a "serious" or "committed" relationship. It's hard to define and you (general you) end up judging people's relationships. Some people consider themselves in a serious relationship after dating for 6 months, and others is might just be 2. That's way I think it's best to give a +1 to anyone who has a BF or GF at the time the invites go out.
I've heard the rule is to give +1's to couples who are married, engaged or living together. You could also extend this to couples who have been dating a while, but you need to draw the line somewhere. Maybe couples who have been dating a year or longer?
I wouldn't worry about giving all the kids a plus 1. I have heard if you are going to invite older kids of friends, especially with a plus1, you should send a separate invite. The younger children can be addressed to just the parents and family. Personally- we are giving everyone in our bridal party (all 2 of them) a plus1-that I think is just etiquette- no matter ho much you dislike their SOs- for all u know your BM could end up getting married to that BF. We are pretty much judging it person by person- some will get plus1 some won't. My wedding- my way ( my bridezilla moment).
Married, engaged or living together works for me.... other wise- no. I hate the +1s.
@RunsWithBears: I couldn't have said it better myself! I was head over heels in love with my FH and had a blast at my friend's wedding...and we were only dating 1 month (exactly!) at the time when she allowed me to invite him. I was so happy... but we were 'official' so that was the difference. I didn't go looking for a date :).But I was as hopelessly devoted to him then in September 2007 as I am now :)
My rule is - if you have to go look for a date to fill that plus 1, you don't get a plus one. If you're dating someone (or you have someone you would invite), then you get a plus 1. I think if you're attached to someone for 1 week or 10 years, you are entitled to a plus 1.
Wondering what brides do with people asking them for a plus one because they started dating someone AFTER you sent invites out?
I completely cheated and made up my own rules. So this is clearly not proper etiquette, it's just a suggestion. If I know that the person has a significant other, i give them a plus one. if i don't even know about it, then apparently i was close enough to you to invite you to my wedding, but not to know about your life - so no plus one. and if i'm only inviting you because i'm friends with your family (or my parents are friends with yoru parents) as opposed to friends with you personally, then you definitely don't get a plus one because you're coming with your family. there is a caveat, if you are someone who isn't familiar with or friends with at least several other people at the wedding, then i'll give you a plus one even if you're single, because i figure you need someone to accompany you. i think you should also gauge your guests. if you think someone is going to be really upset, and you have the room, then go ahead and give them a plus one. my mom puts it kind of nicely "you can't invite everyone in the world, so if it comes down to either inviting you without a plus one (or inviting you without your children for example) or not inviting you at all, which do you prefer".
We went through our guest list and choose certain people that would get an extra card that says something along the lines of "you've been chosen to bring a guest" and those are the only people that are allowed to bring someone, we aren't going to give anyone else the option.
It is an odd etiquette issue because everything is "case by case" and it is not entirely clear cut.
I was always taught that when it comes to allowing plus ones, you look at your list of guests and determine how many "plus ones" you can afford, and then assign who is allowed a "plus one" in the following order -
- Family members are allowed "plus ones" before anyone else, followed by close-friends, and then followed by everyone else depending on how close/important they are to you.
- People DO NOT automatically get a "plus one", and they certaintly don't get a "plus one" of entirely their own choice just because they want to bring a random date. Their "plus one" is supposed to be someone who you at the very least know of (ie. a long term partner, or a mutual acquantaince). If you can't think of who they would invite as a plus one, then that person doesn't get a plus one because they will just be a random.
I'm having this same issue- where to draw that line on the plus ones.
I invited my two cousins, who are sisters, and both live decently far. I did not give them a plus one because they can travel here together, and last I had heard they were both single. Then I saw them at a family function and they both exclaimed that they couldn't wait to come with their boyfriends. I know one of them is serious with her bf, but the other just started dating him. And then my FH's friends- some are perpetually single, so I don't feel like they should get the plus one. My BM's are not getting plus ones- except for the two who are married. My MOH is single, but has a fabulous gay friend who is also a close friend of mine, so on the sly I gave her permission for a plus one if it's him (especially since my MOH is a serial dater and has the WORST taste in men EVER- think married men who lie about being divorced... yea...)
The plus ones have made our guest list go up about 15-20 people already!
We went rogue and made up our own rule: if I don't know the name of your significant other, then s/he cannot come. If I do know his or her name, he or she will be invited by name on the invitation. No substitutions, no hook-ups from the bar.
Sounds harsh, but think about it---if you don't even know the name of the S.O., then the guest either hasn't been dating this person very long, or else you're not very close to the guest.
Only exception was OOT guests who wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding.
I did my +1 a bit creatively
Established couple - of course invite both
dear friends that broke up recently - gave them both a +1 in the hope that they would both attend
friends from out of town that do not know many of the other guests got a +1
friends that are part of our close circle that are not in a committed relationship did not get +1 because they know enough people to just hang out and enjoy
I made up my own rules as well.
People who were dating someone for a long time (ie, more than a few months, and we knew their name) got a +1, but that person was invited by name on the envelope. No random bar people, and if you broke up before the wedding, you didn't get a substitute date (invites go out 3 months before your wedding anyway, not enough time to establish a new relationship).
People who didn't know anyone else at the wedding got a +1.
Bridal party all got +1, although none of my single bridesmaids took me up on this; they all came by themselves and had a blast.
When it came down to a few weeks before the wedding, I started offering up +1s to a few sad single gal friends who were not going to come unless they could bring a date. I decided I would rather have them there than not.
Now what do you do when you're having a no-kids wedding and one person RSVPs (adamantly) with a plus one toddler? FI's aunt INSISTS she has to have this kid at the wedding, regardless of our wishes and the fact that a babysitter will be there :P She refuses to use them. *sigh*
The usual rule is "married, engaged, or living together". Some people extend +1s to those they view are in a "comitted" relationship (and that is up to you to decide; could be half a year, a year, two years, etc.).
As for +1s for the bridal party, you do not HAVE to give them to them (unless they meet the above requirement). BUT many people do, because it's nice. (Just FWIW, we're not.)
In your situations above, I would say invite the one cousin's GF (if they meet the requirements above); do not give the 21yo a +1 unless his SO meets the requirements above; and invite the FI of the one friend (who's been living with him for 11yrs), but not the current SO of the perpetually-dating-someone friend.
I'm giving everybody a plus one. I won't lie, it kind of sucks, but it's too hard to decide who gets one and the majority of people coming are married or in a committed relationship anyway, so I'd hate for the few single people in the crowd to be miserable all night.
From an etiquette perspective, no one should ever receive a "plus one" invitation. The etiquette rule regarding couples is very straightforward: Both members of couples who are 1) married, 2) engaged or 3) living together must receive an invitation. If they share the same address, as would most married couples and couples who are living together, they would receive a single invitation addressed accordingly. Both parties of an engaged couple that do not share an address would receive individual invitations. There is no etiquette rule requiring you to invite the significant others of anyone else attending your wedding, regardless of how serious the person's relationship may or may not be. If you CHOOSE to invite Jane Doe and her serious boyfriend with whom she is not living, Jane would receive her own invitation, and you would ask her for the name and address of her significant other. He would then receive his own, separate invitation. It is not considered to be proper to extend an invitation to "Miss Jane Doe and Guest."
According to etiquette, if the +1 doesn't live with the person you are inviting, that +1 gets his/her own invitation addressed to them at their own residence. That means you are inviting that person whether or not that couple stays together. I think having to think about that will help you decide where to draw the line. Would you be okay with that person attending if the couple breaks up?
As for your wedding part, not liking the date is kind of a sucky reason to not invite them if that's your attendant's SO. If it's just some new guy or girl... well, maybe time will handle it for you. Your wedding is a year and 8 months away... if they are still together, I think you have to invite the SO.
Never just send an invitation to Mr. or Miss So and So and guest/escort. If you are inviting a +1, you invite that person by name.
@brenda.m.fields: I see we were pretty much writing the same thing at the same time, lol! :)
We only have 2 guests who will be single and they are not in relationships.... but neither one care to have a plus one and I dont want randoms at my wedding... this is about our marriage not having a date you just met. FI single friend is trying to find a date to our wedding and I know the type of girls in that town... no way!!! LOL but they honestly both said they dont care:)
Some might think that inviting someone who is not living with their SO but has dated them for a year plus is OK ettiquette-wise, but I guarantee you that it will cause issues for most people to do that. I didn't live with my FH until I was with him for 2 years, but we were very serious as a couple from the get-go, and not inviting me to a wedding with him when we were dating a year+ would have caused a significant issue between the person inviting me and myself. You are not obligated to give someone a pass to find a random date to fill that plus one spot on OKCupid, but you do need to respect that if they have someone who is their partner, whether a little while or a while, they are going to expect them to be there. It might be OK in some etiquette book somewhere but it's not realistically and logically understandable to most people. Just my 2 cents...
@cmvmph: I agree
My fiance' and I do not want ramdom people at our wedding. I don't want to look back years from now and say, "who the heck is that in our photo" I want to know the people that we are celebrating with on our special day.
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When it comes to the guest list, where do/did you draw lines on the "plus one?"
I've heard that it's proper to invite only couples in a "committed relationship." But ... what exactly does that mean? Engaged? Married? Dating for a long time?
Examples:
Very close friends of the family have 3 grown kids. The oldest is a year older than me and DID have a GF he was living with but they recently broke up and he moved back home. Middle child lives with his long time GF. Youngest will be a sophomore in college. So ... do I give them all "plus ones" or just the one that has the long time GF?
I have a cousin who will be 21 when we get married. Should I give him a plus one, but not his younger brother and sister, who will only be in middle/high school?
What about "perpeutally single" close friends?
My fiance and I have very close friends who are a couple. They've been dating/living together for 11 years. So, I mean, of course we're going to invite the two of them. But, like, another friend of ours is usually always dating someone, if only for a short period of time. Do we give her a "plus one?"
And does everyone in the bridal party have to have a "plus one?" I think I already know the answer to this but I really, really, REALLY do not like the BF of one of my BMs and NO ONE in our group can stand the GF of one of the groomsman.
Ugh.