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I imagine we'll revisit it again as well, but when we've talked about it in the past we've agreed to start trying in 2011. We're getting married in September 2009; we'll both be 28 at the wedding and 30 in 2011.
We're excited to start a family but nervous about having babies in NYC, where we live now. It's expensive and we're far away from both families.
I'm hoping that by 2011 we'll either feel more finanically stable or be closer to our parents so they can help out with childcare.
So I was thinking about going off the BC as soon as I got married too, and then I talked to some co-workers and older friends. Three out of five got pregnant in the first two months being off the BC. The other two were within a couple of months - I think the longest was 5. I, personally, am not going off until I am certain I am ready - because I think my body will be ready right away 
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We are going off the BC right after the wedding. I have a health history where it may be hard for me to conceive, so we are getting started right away. We have a few concerns about money, but people have managed to do it with much less than what we have!
one of the first reasons i knew my fiance and i were a match was when i saw how excited he was to have children. all my life i've anticipated being a mother, and though i'm not ready for it now, i can't wait for that day. we're young, but we've been together a long time and we've discussed it thoroughly. we're going to try for four starting when we're both 25, which is 4 years from now! honestly though, we may not make it to 25! i feel what you're saying about not being an old mother though. i'm hoping to have three kids of my own before i'm 30, because i'd really like to adopt in my 30's.
ps: i dont' think there's anything wrong with starting late. everyone's clock is different. i think motherhood is beautiful ALL the time, but i just feel like i couldn't do it late in my life.
We've had the talk. I agree that finding a man who is eager to have kids is so nice for those of us who want that. Plus, I think he'll make a great daddy, and I tell him so :)
It's refreshing (and maybe just because we're older) to hear him say stuff like, "when we have kids..." or try to remember the difference between Little Red Riding Hood and Goldylocks and saying he wants to study up. I think it's most important that you find someone who wants the same thing and you. I hope you feel as lucky as I do, and it sounds like you do.
We will probably wait another 3-4 years, at which point we'll be 31-32, and the main reason for that is to give us time to enjoy everything we want to do with each other first (travel, work like crazy, etc) because we can't even imagine what a life changing event that will be. We're also recognizing that it will be harder because we are both away from our parents and will have to do more on our own.
We are getting married in April of 2009. We are not using BC, but we will be using the natural family planning method. It works for trying and not trying :)
We are planning on not trying until September of 2010. However, if it happens, it happens. I am 23 and my soon to be husband is 25.
If we are able to wait until Sept of 2010 I will be 25 and he will be 27. I really hope we can wait, we would have everything paid off except the house, but I would be perfectly happy if it happened sooner. ;)
Absolutely. We made sure to be on the same page for everything. We're hoping to start trying when I'm 29 or 30, which is 6 years from now.
It seems like a long time, but we want to be very established...travel the world, have lots of money put away, a great house. I also plan on getting an MBA, but can't do that for a few years since the top schools essentially require 3+ years experience. 23+3+2 years for school = 28. I want to be accomplished aside from being a mother, which means a child is on the back burner for quite some time.
We have been together for almost 5 years and have had the talk multiple times during those years. We are getting married in 2010 at which point I'll be 26 and he'll be 25. We don't want to have children until we feel more financially stable and have a nice home.
We are planning on waiting until early 2013, when we will both be 28.
He wants 2 kids and I want more, but we decided to have 2 and if we can have more financially we are hoping for 3-4.
@MegK: we have virtually the same schedule! I am a little younger than you as I graduated with my BS early.
But my goal is work for 3 years while hubby is in grad school, then get my MBA, maybe work for 1 more year and then try. Fi will be 29, I will be 27.
It feels like a long way off, but I am so excited to be married and set up a house and life together away from everything I know now (chicago to san diego) that having kids right away would be really challenging
Wow! I knew other people talked about this, but I guess I never really thought it through totally.
We talk about it because we both work together and everyone just wants to have kids because they think it will be cute and he really will be a great dad.
We decided that we will be married for a full year before even trying to get pregnant. I have a daughter from a first marriage who will be 13 when we marry and we both feel that we just need to get into the groove of being a family and getting her through her first year of high school before we bring a baby into the mix.
It seems like it is forever away, and I do panic because by that time I will be 35 and OY with the things people tell you about being pregnant over 35!!
Personally, I'm looking forward to having that year to just be a family and it just be us before we try to bring another person into our house. I think that it's important to just be for a while.
Just a PSA - Everyone should go out and buy the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" before even thinking about getting pregnant. It's a great resource for anyone trying to avoid getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just learn about their cycle. I think it should be required reading for all girls in high school and college. Reading it will save a lot of heartache when/if you start trying.
We've been married for three months, and we are off birth control this month (but charting to avoid getting pregnant). I'm 34 and he's 39, so we'll probably start trying in the next year or so.
I guess I'm the first here who has had the opposite type of pregnancy talk. I've never wanted to have my own kids for social/environmental/money reasons as well as the fact that I think its just plain icky. My FI doesn't want them either and has some things in his medical history that he wasn't excited about passing along. So, he had a vasectomy last year. It was a bit of a challenge since he's now only 25 and I am 23 and we're not married yet, but people make the life-changing decision TO have kids lots younger than that, so making the decision NOT TO is no different. We plan to adopt quite a bit later in life, after doing lots of other selfish things we want to do together first.
Finally someone who wants to be selfish for a while! Haha That is exactly what we plan on doing when we get married! We both want to have kids eventually, but we are YOUNG and want to enjoy that for a while.
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I have a health problem.. umm down there so we will start trying about a year after we get married but I've already started taking pre-natal vitamins... definitely see your doctor NOW to make sure things are good to go.
No matter what your schedule... please please please take care of your self (don't drink, not hot tub, no sushi) when you're even TRYING to get pregnant. Stopping when you find out doesn't count.... I just took toxicology (including tetradogens) and the real damage is done in the first week or two after fertilization. ( I realize I'm not an expert in the topic but I strongly encourage you to see a doctor early on)
We had a slightly awkward conversation in which we edged around this topic just the other night. We're definitely on the same page as far as the fact that we do want to have children, and we want two or three. I would love to adopt at least one child, and he is very open to the idea as well.
Deciding when is trickier. Neither of us likes to schedule things far in advance because it makes us feel like our lives are regimented; we're much more go-with-the-flow types. However, we're not extremely young -- I'm 27 and he's 30 -- so I've been trying to point out the need for some sort of plan. We're both still students at this point: he's completing two master's degrees and I'm just beginning to write my dissertation for a Ph.D. Financial security seems like a far-off dream at this point, and I definitely want to do more traveling before I have a baby, so it looks like we may be older parents. I'm still adjusting to that idea, but I think I'm okay with it. Also, like Hannah said above, neither of us relishes the idea of having kids in New York City, and it seems like we'll be here for at least a few more years.
I'll be 38 when we get married. I've gotten a career established, found the right guy, and seen the world already. We'd be perfectly happy adopting if we can't get pregnant for some reason. We were planning on adopting in the future anyway.
When one partner is 26 and the other is 37, you can bet we talk about these things. Often.
Personally, I'm completely happy I've waited for the right guy and the right time, though I wish I hadn't cut it so close in reproductive time... However, I'd much rather do things right and avoid a painful divorce and single parent-hood in the future. We are just excited to start our life together... and if kids are a part of that-- great.
We decided to wait one year before we start trying. One year to break in our routine as newlyweds and get used to each other.... then we can try for babies. I'll be 30 and he'll be 31 at that point.
I've seen too many kids 3 and under in the past years with divorced parents (and parents who had them righ away).
Both my husband and I decided to wait at least 2 years after our wedding to even think about trying. It'll be two years next summer, but with plans of a trip to France to visit my family next fall we probably won't seriously think about it until 2010.
In my mind I'd like to buy our own house before we have a child. I'd also like to have a job that 1)I feel is going somewhere and 2)that provides health insurance and maternity leave.
At 25 I don't feel ready for the responsability yet and definitely not for the financial cost. Hubby is 33 and always said he wanted to start having children before he is 36, but he says he isn't ready yet either.
Oh and friends and family around us agree with us that waiting is a good thing and they even tell us to wait 3-4 years. I think it's important to adapt to married life first and do at least a few of the things you won't be able to do once you have kids, or at least not the same way. I still want to selfish time with just me and him.
He wants to have kids around time he's 30, and his 29th birthday will be this April. So we'll probably start trying next summer or early in 2010. :)
Since I'm already 32, I really don't want to wait that long. I'll be 33 when we get married next November. We want to take a nice European vacation together before we start trying, probably in 2010. That may or may not end up happening, because I really don't want to wait too long, I definitley want to have my first before I'm 35.
I'm 27, he's 30 and we've only talked about how long we can put it off. Neither of us are ready to have kids, but know I should probably try to get pregnant around 30. We both want 1 child, but not really any time soon. Sometimes I wish our mid twenties were a decade long!
We have been married almost 7 months, but we won't be trying for quite a while. For starters, we're going to be living in a long-distance marriage starting in June, but even before I knew about that, I adamantly knew that I want to be married at LEAST 5 years before having children (and my husband is on board). I know this is not the case for everyone, so please don't jump down my throat, but in MY community, amongst MY group of friends, at least 15 of my friends whose parents had children right after marriage wound up getting divorced as soon as the youngest child went to college. Their entire marriage was based on the children, and once the children left home, they found out they had nothing in common anymore and were unable to communicate. On the other hand, my parents were married 10 years before having me, and once I went to college, it was like they went back to being honeymooners -- and most of my father's fraternity brothers are the exact same way. Out of the 10 in his pledge class from way back in the day, none had children within the first 5 years of marriage, and all are still happily married... while at least 15 of my friends parents are now divorced. Based on that influence in my life, I feel NO need to rush children. Both my parents and my husband's parents were in their 30s when they had children, and I never once felt like my parents were too "old" to do anything. Besides, we want to live our life and enjoy our time together now as just the two of us before we can no longer take spontaneous trips or enjoy our own together time. We definitely want to have children, but feel no need to do so before we are in our 30s.
We are a year apart (he's a year old) and I will be 38 shortly before we are married so if we are going to have kids (which we both want) we are going to have to get a move on soon.
I agree with the commenter that said start thinking now especially if you are older. I recently went for my yearly gyno. exam and had the talk with my doctor. She's great and we went over what I should be doing to prepare, etc. It's definitely a good idea to see if things are in order and what to do when you are trying to get pregnant rather than waiting.
We're both 21 and as long as I can remember I did NOT like kids nor did I want them...EVER!!I figured That I would have my animals and that'd be good for me. my fh wants a few kids he told me this when we first started dating and it kinda freaked me out and we haven't really spoken of it since. But after 4 years together I have started getting "the itch" to make mini version of my fh and me. he thinks I'm hell bent on not having any. So a few months after our wedding which is in April 2010 ( depending on the financal situation) I'm going to stop my BC without him knowing so he can have a "little surprise". He'll be the happiest man alive he's so sweet and loving I'm just worried he's gonna bogart the baby and I'll never get to hold it, like he did when we got our puppy.
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Muffin 22 - You're going to stop taking birth control without telling your husband???? Seriously?! I REALLY hope you think twice about this. It has the potential to be such a train wreck. Be honest with him and discuss it together. If your feelings have changed, maybe his have too... Please don't do this without discussing it with him. It's not a good way to start a marriage.
<span class="postby">Muffin22 you can make him a surprise by giving him your BC box and a book on planning to have children. He'll be as thrilled and maybe more to know you're ready and that you are working this together.
It's too big of a decision not to be taken together. He could be changing his mind too, you never know.
I will be 25 and my FI 27 when we get married. The original plan has always been to wait 3 years after getting married before trying, have one kid and be done. Recently I've been thinking I only want to wait a year and a half or two after the wedding because of all the troubles I read about people getting pregnant. I think if I get pregnant two years after the wedding, I'll be 28 when the baby is born. We already own a home and have great jobs, plus our families both live in the area. It seems almost silly to wait three years...especially when about half my friends have kids already.
On the other hand, my parents waited 10 years to have me (my mom WAS 19 at the wedding though) and they have a great marriage, and had plenty of time to enjoy each other before starting a family. So I'm torn! I think kids are a huge stress on the relationship, so you need a good foundation first. I'm hoping that the 5-6 years we will have had together by the time we start trying will be enough.
Also - you should never just go off your BC and surprise your guy! I don't think that's the best surprise, even if he wants kids. It should always be a joint decision.
Once my boyfriend and I started getting serious, we discussed kids. Luckily, we're both on the same page, and want at least two children (but we both really want at least one girl, and agreed that we'd be willing to have up to 4 children to try for a girl -- but imagine 4 boys!). We will be 25 when we are married, and would like to start trying about 2 years after the wedding.
For Muffin 22 - I agree with the others that it should be a joint decision, but I think your heart is in the right place! As much as you want to surprise him once you're pregnant, you should probably talk to him about it. MrsFroggy had a cute idea of how to surprise him, without making this huge decision without him!
I'm in my early 30s and FI just turned 40. When we first started dating we talked about kids and while he used to want them he had resigned himself to not having any. He knew I wanted at least one. We have deceided we will probably stop preventing a few months after the wedding. We started living together shortly after we met and have been living together for over 2 years. Our finances have been combined for a while and we bought a house together this summer. As long as we feel we can afford it anad work out a plan for daycare we are going to start trying a few months after the wedding in September. We don't want to risk additional complications due to my age and he doesn't want to start fatherhood when he is halfway through his 40s.
MUFFIN 22!
There are other ways to surprise him to let him know that you are wanting to get pregnant.
Please DO NOT stop without talking with him first! I would hate for there to maybe be a conflict because you did not talk to him first.
This is something that affects both of you, you guys are going to be a team and you need to talk about it first!!!!!!
We are going to begin trying right after the honeymoon I went off b/c 4 months ago because it was a cause of my headaches. I have issues, down there, and have had surgery once already to remove pre-cancerous cells and am terrified of not being able to have a baby if they become cancerous. My mom had to have a complete hysterectomy (sp) at the age of 43, because she had cervical cancer. I'll be 25 when we get married and he'll be 29, plus he has said from the get go that he wants to have his first by the time he's 30, which I think is cutting it a little close. We both want at least 2, a boy and a girl, but are willing to try for a 3rd so we can have one of each. I'd also like to adopt one our own kids around 8-10 yrs old.
@Muffin22-While I'm on the other side of the opinion you are getting, I know that if I could do that to my fiance, he'd be thrilled. So long as you still know how he feels about kids, and what he really wants. I know I can't wait for the day to tell my fiance/husband that we are pregnant, so I can imagine how exciting it would be if he wasn't expecting it.
i was skimming weddingbee with my FI last night and the highlight post on this topic came up. he immediately said, "well, we've already talked about that." haha, so i guess the case is closed. basically, awhile back i told him that i want to be able to have a few years of just us first, and then we'll start talking/thinking about it. he's 26 and i'm 22, so by the time he's 30, i'll be 26, and i figure that's probably a pretty good time.
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hey, by the time i get married, i'll be 26 and the hubs will be 29 just like you. for us, we eloped over a year ago and are only now getting married in the church. we've talked about children so often since we're both very BIG on having a very BIG family. knowing such, we will not be actively "trying" until after our honeymoon (which takes place four months after our church wedding - and well worth it since i'll be all over europe for 14 days). this gives us time to unwind from the wedding day madness, find a new home, etc.
normally, i would not suggest trying to conceive so quickly (i've actively discouraged many of my friends for various reasons) because i believe that everyone needs some time to be married, but in my case, i've already done that bit and by the time our church wedding rolls around, we would have been married for a year and seven months!! my biggest thing that i tell my girlfriends is that you have to be ready for the financial impact and the strain it takes on your relationship. financially, mentally, and emotionally - you REALLY need to be ready for it.
and i hate to say "i told you so" but my bff was with her now EX husband for 13 years. THIRTEEN YEARS before they finally tied the knot. i discouraged her from having children because i've known the couple for so long and i knew he was not even WANTING to get married moreless have children right away. on top of that, their financial situation had them living off of practically ramen noodles every day! despite my pleading and offering to buy her birth control, she got pregnant two months after her wedding. they're now divorced and she's a single mom. BTW, she was married TWO WEEKS before me and has been divorced for almost a full year.
not trying to scare you, but i'm just putting it out there that you should really consider your hubs feelings about this and make sure it's what he really wants to and write lists of all the things you'll both need financially, mentally, etc. good luck!
We will be together for 2.5 years, known each other about 3 on our wedding date. He will be 31 & I will be 29. We have to wait a few months for me to finish my masters, but we plan on going off the pill a month before graduation. My company is paying for my degree, and we both make good money in our jobs right now. So, it will be a little hectic to start trying about 9 mos after the wedding, but I am worried about waiting too long, due to some health concerns & our age. We want to have 2 kids if possible then foster/adopt, so we don't want too old.
My mom had me @ 34 & it was a very healthy pregnancy, but I was the 3rd. My sister didn't have her kids until her 30s & both came early w/ her having dangerously high blood pressure. The 2nd was a micro preemie, and was a very scary situation, so I think that is why I decided not to wait a little longer. (I used to think you needed to be married a year first & that I'd want more time after my degree. Some days I still wonder why I'm killing myself to work full time & do a PT master to instantly take maternity, hehe.)
Wow!
I'm so glad I was able to start such a discussion!
I'm also glad to see that our concerns are a lot like all of yours...
Muffin dear. I know you've heard this a lot already but...
Double/even triple check that he is still onboard the baby train before you surprise him like that. If your 110% sure he is then I guess go ahead and surprise him... But if you can sense any doubt at all please please please sit down and talk to him about it. 21 is young for us girls but 21 is even younger for boys... He may be having a really good time finally legally being allowed in a bar. He may want to wait. He may have decided he doesn't want any anymore knowing you didn't want them. If I were you I'd have the talk and then maybe go off the pill without him knowing...
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My Fiancee and I have had plenty of baby talks... The baby talk came up very early in our relationship because my fiancee is unlikely to be able to have children. He's 28 now, but in his early 20s, he was diagnosed with a rare testicular disease. Soon after we began dating, he filled me in on the situation and we had the talk.
We both want children, but because of the difficulties, we may not become parents. We've discussed adoption and sperm donors and all of the options, but decided that if we are meant to be parents, it will happen naturally.
After becoming engaged, we had a more realistic baby talk and decided that we're both okay with not having children if we aren't able to have them naturally. Our conversation made me think of Sex and The City when Carrie is dating Alexandr Petrovsky and thinks of the fabulous life she could have without children.
With or without children, I know that my life with my Fiancee will be fabulous and it pains me to see the strain the prospect of children puts on some relationships.
My husband and I were married 08.09.08 and have done nothing but talk about having kids. I just turned 35 and he is 33, so the clock is ticking. We wanted to start asap, but we own a condo with a downstairs neighbor that smokes. It may sound picky, but I just don't want to be prego smelling that smoke everytime I walk up the stairs, or when our neighbor does laundry (it gets really bad then). So, since we were planning on buying a bigger place anyway, we've decided to wait until we move. The plan is to go off the pill as soon as we go into escrow; hopefully that will be this summer.
We got married August 2008 and we'll start trying this July 2009. I'm 30 and he's 28. I think that now is the right time for us and I'm certainly not going to be an "old" mommy. I'm glad I got to enjoy my 20s kid-free. I got my career started, saved some money and now we are both ready for kids. I also paid down my student debt - I want to start my life as a parent in the black, not in the red. These are all things that I think are important to consider before having kids. And of course I've had the kid itch for a while - I just ignored it and made sure to focus on what was important at the time. Plus, I had the wedding-itch for a while - it's now been replaced by the baby-itch. ;)
Here's something fun to do for all your baby-itchers:
http://www.vw.com/vwhype/babymaker/en/us/
You submit a photo of yourself and partner and it creates a baby from the two photos. The results are eerily cute. :) Do this for now, make a real baby when the time is right. :D
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My fiance and I although have already agreeed we want kids finally had the talk about when. Have you and if so what have you decided.
We've been together for 2 years so far and we're not getting married for another 6 months. (late June) What we've decided was we'll talk about it again when we get closer to it but the January after we're married I go off my birth control and we'll see what happens.
What have any of you decided and what factors went into your decision.
Neither one of us want to be old parents and we're both ridiculously excited about having children and don't really see much of a point in waiting except obviously for money reasons but we figure our parents were able to do it with a lot less money than us so we should be fine.
I'm just really curious if we have a different mindset than others.
Background info:
I'll be 26 he'll be 29 (that January when I go off the pill) we live in Boston now but thinking about moving south to build up some equity, the only thing holding us back is cuz our parents are up in New England too and I'm scared to have a baby without them :o)