Post # 1
My SO and I have had some good, productive engagement conversations lately. I’m not following Mr. Bee’s plan – I wear my heart on my sleeve and my man is also my best friend, the only person I talk to about everything.
The last thing he said when we had a serious conversation about it was that he thinks about marrying me all the time and that I won’t have to wait too much longer. Awesome, right?!
Last night we were having a casual conversation about it during dinner. First he told me that he would never buy a diamond for ethical reasons and also because it seems too materialistic. Then he told me he doesn’t understand why he has to buy 2 rings (the engagement ring and the wedding band). THEN he told me he doesn’t want to wear a wedding band because he’s not the kind of guy who wear jewlery, and his father doesn’t wear one so why should he…
Now, I’m far from a traditionalist, but it would really bother me if I was married and my husband would not wear a ring! I don’t care what his ring looks like, it’s just a symbol. The ring I’d like to have for myself is a natural grey diamond I found on etsy for under $700.
I don’t want too seem like I am being materialistic, but is it so bad that I want him to want to give me something nice for an engagement ring? Is it wrong to want an outward symbol of our commitment in the form of the eventual wedding rings?
Has anyone else heard similar protests from their SO? I don’t want to make a big deal of this right now, but I really hope I can change his mind eventually. Plus, how is he going to propose when he knows nothing about rings and he refuses my suggestions?
Post # 3
I have not heard a similar protest, but I will tell a story.
My father (OK step father) was married before. He swore at the time he “wasnt a jewelry type” and didnt wear a wedding ring. They divorced. He met my mom and never complained about a ring. He now says that he said he didnt wear a ring the first time around because he knew he didnt want to be married to that girl. If a “piece of jewelry” means enough to someone and the oher person that thinks “its just a piece” should wear it for respect to the other person. No arguements.
Since it is custom in our culture to have a ring, you are not selfish to want one. You can meet somewhere in the middle with a semi-precious stone or smaller diamond.
But honestly, since you have not heard him protest or be against rings and diamonds from day one, I would be worried. Someone who is ethically opposed to something makes their beliefs known right away.
Post # 4
@lefeymw: That’s quite an enlightening story! Just to clarify, he actually has mentioned his objection to diamonds and not wanting to wear a ring before, so I wasn’t exactly surprised. We just haven’t discussed the topic in this much detail before. I highly doubt he will outright refuse to wear one in the long run. I told him he could pick out his own ring and that seemed to get him thinking a little differently about it.
Post # 5
@Macintosh: Great! If a ring means more to you then it means to him to not wear one, then she should wear one and he should buy you one.
There are many options other than traditional diamonds. There are certified fair trade diamonds (not blood diamonds) like I have, there are synthetic diamonds (moissonite) and any other jewels.
I wouldnt worry about the long run, but the immediate. If he knows what it means to you, and then he should not question buying or wearing a ring. Its a matter of comproise. If the importance to you 9, and to him is 3, then the 9 wins.
Post # 6
Have you ever explained to him how much it means to you to have him wear a wedding ring? At first my fiance was against the idea but I told him how I felt about it and he changed his mind.
Post # 7
Does he also believe that marriage is just a piece of paper and the government doesn’t need to get involved type of guy?
Or is he gunghoe about everything but jewelry?
Post # 8
My SO was the same way about the engagement ring (although not for the same exact reasons, his were mostly financial).
Anyway, there’s a lot of companies that certified fair trade (as mentioned above). You can also get man made diamonds (lab grown). Beryl, sapphire and topaz are all white/clear varieties, but I don’t know how expensive they are.
Post # 9
i dont think you are being selfish. i think relationships are also about compromise and although he might not like diamonds and he doesnt want to buy two rings and he doesnt want to wear a ring (which i have no issue with btw), where are your thoughts and feelings taken into consideration and why should you be the only one to give up on their desires for your future life together. i hope you can find a compromise, there are ethical diamonds that can be purchased these days so thats made one of his points moot. goodluck!
Post # 10
@BookaholicBee: Yes, I did make it clear that I expected him to wear a ring if he wanted to be married to me. He says his reason for not wanting to wear one is practical and of course my reason to wear one is sentimental.
@Eva Peron: I think he really is into the idea of being married, just not the process of getting there. We both want kids, and we both want to be married first. He even told me he wanted the kids to have his name, not a hyphenated name. So much for being non-conformist!
Thanks for the support everyone!
Post # 11
He needs to stop whinging about the western courtship process, tell him that a traditional courtship is not negotiable 🙂
Honestly if he loves you he will do what makes you happy, so dont fret.
You dont need to feel bad for wanting a traditional courtship, it is something that is drummed into our heads since we are little girls so unfortunately that is what is expected of him from your perspective. He shouldnt be guilting you for expecting him to follow the tradittional courtship.
Tell him from me: MAN UP SIR
Post # 12
@LessIsMoore: Honestly if he loves you he will do what makes you happy, so dont fret.
I agree! My husband thinks that jewelry is the biggest waste of money and totally useless. I agree on the useless part, but I cant help but love all things sparkly! He’s never worn a rings or anything before either and didnt not want to wear it at all and complained that it was uncomfortable and blah blah. He ended up getting me an amazing ring and wears his with no complaints (now). There’s always compromise on the ring if hes against diamonds or doesnt want to spend a ton on it so I’m sure you guys can work something out. As far as him wearing a ring, unfortunately theres little compromise there, he does or he doesnt… but he can always pick one that is lighter or comfortable for him so it doesnt bother him that much.
Post # 13
My FI also wasn’t a fan of diamonds. Been known to call them pencils. (Yeah, he’s got a science background, both carbon, etc). Anyways, he knew it mattered to me so, he got me a ring. A diamond, because that’s what I wanted. (I never ask for jewerly or anything like that and that plus knowing it’s the one piece of jewerly I’d wear is something he commented on beforehand, as to why he wanted to do it for me this once.)
Post # 14
I know tons of married guys who don’t wear rings. I really don’t think you should tell him he has to wear a wedding band. sorry, but it sounds like he is firm about this there are more important things in life to argue over.
as for not wanting to get you a ring– that sucks since you want one so bad. I feel for you! I do think you should honor his desire to not get a blood diamond, his reasons behind that are extremely important and valid.
have you considered an alternate gemstone or man-made stone? you can be totally sure they are not “covered in blood” and will cost way less. anyway, what about a compromise? if he gets you an engagement ring, maybe you could offer to buy your own wedding band? I paid for both of mine, I had absolutely no qualms about that.
Post # 15
Wanting an engagement ring is NOT materialistic, and conflict-free diamonds are available! If he’s dead set against buying a diamond, there are plenty of other gem stones out there to choose from, too.
I hope that he gets on board soon because engagement/wedding rings are customary in this part of the world, and most importantly, it’s important to you.
I really hope that he’s just testing you!
Post # 16
You two sound like me and my man! only I’m the one who hates diamonds and will make him eat anything that costs over 300. lol. He doesn’t want to wear a ring either but I told him I’ll get him one like in LOTR and he can wear it around his neck with “one ring to rule your life” inscribed on it. He said he’ll wear that but he doesnt like things on his fingers (he’s a computer guy) lol.
I don’t think your being materialistic but you should really find out whats up because some guys are rarely that picky. Maybe he’s stressed about the cost and how expensive your finger will be. :/