The real reason

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Yeah … you might not want to marry that guy. All couples fight, and most couples hurt each others’ feelings, but in my experience with couples/marrieds/etc the difference between those that stay together and those who don’t is that the latter fights dirty. They don’t fight about the thing that started the fight, they fight about what awful people the others are. Do you want to spend your life tied to someone who’s willing to say something like that to you then expect it to all go away?

 

Just a thought.

Post # 3
Hostess
2920 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

ummmmmm….is this normal language that you guys use with each other frequently? I would lose my sh*t if my husband EVER called me a derogatory name. In my eyes that is crossing the line. I command (and demand) respect. Is he trying to make you think if you were sweeter or if you acted better he would “honor” you with the privilege of putting a ring on your finger?? I say if you don’t like everything about me…and I mean EVERYTHING about me where I shouldn’t have to filter myself for fear that you will think I am a bitch then you are the man for me.

I am sorry but this is a very hot topic for me. No man should call a woman a bitch. Ever.

Post # 4
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Jadegreen:  Wow. I would probably be speechless if my FI called me names like that. I agree with PPs that couples (and people who want good relationships in general) shouldn’t fight dirty like that. If it was a one time thing, I think you two can move past it and work on your communication skills. If it becomes (or already is) a common occurance, I think you should really sit down with your SO and have a “coming to Jesus” talk where basically he treats you they way you DESERVE to be treated which is with kindness, compassion, and respect or you’ll find someone who will. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Jadegreen:  There are probably thousands and thousands of posts on this website about the frustration of waiting. We’ve all been there! I’d say vent on here, if possible, because taking stuff like that out on your SO is not productive – again, we’ve all been there – and pressuring him into it won’t make you feel good when he finally does propose.

Post # 7
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sorry to say I think he had a moment of saying the unfiltered truth there. And yes I also agree it’s unacceptable for any SO to call his GF a bitch. However, take it for what it’s worth (his truth) and then remind yourself that it’s not the absolute truth. How would you know that? Bc before you were a very frustrated and grouchy bee he didn’t ask you to marry him, did he? Therefore he’s using you’re grouchy mood as an excuse, IMO. 

Post # 8
Member
3896 posts
Honey bee

Ummm I would not be very happy if my BF spoke to me like this, but if I had been taking out my frustrations on him and actually acting like a little bitch about not getting engaged, I may let him off.

 

If it is rare you speak to each other in this way then it’s probably an idea to move past it. Try to remain positive and let off your steam here rather than taking it out on him. Glad you worked it out but I suspect he did really mean what he said. People kind of tend to tell brutal truths mid row.

Post # 9
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Jadegreen:  Let me go here first, Calling names is not something that should be done or acceptable on either part! It only progresses from there. That being said!! You said:”The only reason Ive been mean to him is because I havent gotten my ring yet!” Well thats kinda bitchy (Not that you should be called it, Im saying thats how it seems) of you. I wouldnt want to give someone a ring who wasnt treating me nicely either, nor would I want to give a ring to someone acting so bratty! He DOES NOT owe you this ring and its technicaly not “YOUR RING” either! Its his ring that he gives you as a symbol of the promise to marry you!!! It only becomes yours once your promise to marry him is fullfilled!! Remember Hun he dosent owe you a thing, Marrying you and you he is a privilage and gift (I cant think of the right word sorry) Remember why your with him and enjoy that, Stop focasing so much on the fact that you want a ring right now and maybe hell feel inclined to give it to you once the stress, pressure, and meanness is gone!!! I hope you can get back to the relationship and enjoy it and forget the object thats destroying the relationship right now!! (Remember you said in 5yrs this never happened, It happened because your being mean over A RING!!! Is that ring worth lossing the relationship because your not getting what you want when you want it?)

Post # 10
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

What? I’d be tempted to tell him that men like bitches and there’s even a book about it, so that’s a cop-out. Seriously, he just yelled that out when you two weren’t really even fighting? I find that a little excessive. Glad you worked it out, but he needs to understand that name-calling isn’t a good way to resolve conflict. How disrespectful.

Post # 11
Member
4896 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I wouldn’t put up with name calling.  It just gets worse.  I have to agree with the PPs–are you sure you want to marry a guy who treats you this way?

Post # 12
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, my DH and fight occasionally and before we were married we fought a lot but DAMN he has never said anything remotely close to that ever, if he had I definitely wouldn’t have married himl

Post # 13
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Honestly if you as a couple can’t figure out how to talk about an engagement timeline without you being a grouch and acting frustrated, and him calling you a bitch, then you’re not ready as a couple to get married. I think you both need to step back and try learning how to communicate, and how to prevent conflict.  It sounds like this isn’t just his “fault” either— of course he should not call you a bitch, but you shouldn’t act like one just because your engagement ring isn’t coming fast enough.

Post # 14
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Jadegreen:  I’ve been in your exact situation.  I was waiting for a looong time and took my frustrations out on my FI without telling him why I was acting that way.  I WAS being a B.  And he called me on it.  Although he didn’t actually say what yours did, he just said something like I don’t know what to do when you’re being such a B or why are you’re being such a B.  Something along those lines.  We talked about it, he apologized, I stopped acting cranky without explaining my feelings and everything got a lot better.  If he doesn’t usually call you names and you’ve worked through it that’s all you can do.  I wouldn’t end the relationship over it like others are saying!  

Post # 15
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

So, according to your OP you’ll essentially “get over it” once he gives you the ring? I don’t know you, so I can’t speak to the bitch part, but come on girl– have a little more between the ears and bring more to the table of life here. The ring won’t solve any problems, it is an inanimate object. It changes nothing about his, or your, behavior. It sucks that he said that in anger, and I am sure it hurt, but your fascination with “getting the ring” is bordering on Lord of the Rings, here! 

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