(Closed) The Russian adoption fiasco

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

The thing about adoption is that you’re committing to be a parent to the child you adopt.  If you’re unhappy with the agency, you work to right the situation without putting the child at further risk.  Becoming a parent–through child birth or adoption–is the same lifelong commitment.  Your priorities have to shift to protect your child.  

Post # 4
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t know the news story you’re talking about…. but just the verbs in this post kind of bug me. Kids aren’t end-tables ya know? You don’t special order one to your liking and get to send it back if its dented. 

If an adoption agency is out-right lying about kids that is obviously a problem and maybe whatever happened needs to be handled with a bit more delicacy… but when you have a baby… things happens. I don’t see why adopting should be any different. I think that when you decide to have a child, you open yourself up to ALL possibilities. 

Post # 5
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Assuming it’s true that the woman was lied to about the boy’s mental stability, the problem (and possible crime) is that she sent him back, alone, with a note. That child is still her legal responsibility.

If she cannot raise a child who is unstable mentally and was lied to about it (and I agree that the adoption agency in Russia is at fault if that’s the case, definitely!) then she should have contacted the proper agencies and authorities to figure out her options, not ship him back to Russia with a note. He is a child, a human being, and deserves to be treated as such, even if she was lied to.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/russia-may-halt-us-adoptions-after-tenn-woman-returns-boy/1

 

Post # 6
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay I just went and read the cnn.com story and i agree with jduck84. I don’t care what that kid did, IF she was going to send him back she needed to do it the right way. Work with the adoption agency and the orphanage. Sue if necessary. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to send a child across 2 continents with a note pinned to his shirt. are you f’ing kidding me? If she REALLY feared for her or her children’s safety she could have had him committed to a juvenile or physciatric facility. She had options. This was not one. 

Post # 7
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You don’t tell a kid that you want to be his family, commit to raising him, and then when things get tough tell that kid that you’re sending him back to the orphanage. Sorry, he’s a kid.  Kids aren’t always perfect, you can’t just get rid of them when things get hard.  And as to your statement “adoption is different than having your own child” I know several adoptive parents and children who would be incredibly hurt and offended by that statement.  They are as much a family as anyone else.  A child is not a puppy.  You don’t get to pick if you want one with behavioral challenges or not.  If you don’t have the time needed to dedicate to a child, don’t have one.  Because once you do there is no going back.  Yes the adoption agencies were wrong to lie, but any person who chooses to be a parent without being 100% willing to love and support that child no matter what has done something far far worse.

Post # 8
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

In the past couple weeks, there was an incident with an adopted boy from Russia in Minnesota. He brought a gun to school, and now faces criminal charges (no one was hurt, luckily). His parents did everything they could to help him, which is what any parent, birth or adoptive, should strive to do, ideally:

“Our concern is that he gets the help that he really needs,” said the mother. “This is a human being. This is our boy.”

http://www.twincities.com/ci_14857261

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I think that the woman should be arrested for child endangerment!  She hired some guy for $200 to pick him up and then drop him off?  He’s five!  While the whole thing ended with the boy being safe, it could have gone incredibly wrong.  Like CorgiTales said, he’s not an end table.  If she could not handle the adoption, SHE should have accompanied the child back to Russia and dealt with the proper authorities, not slap a return to sender note on the kid.

Post # 11
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with Erin Marguerite. If you want a child badly enough to adopt, and commit the rest of your life to raising a child finacially, spiritually, emotionally, and more…are you really going to cherry pick your child? I understand that NO one would wish for their child to have autism, and I guess by adopting you should have some say, but if you aren’t prepared to deal with the worst then I don’t think you should adopt.

Even a child without known pre-existing conditions like autism, mental retardation, schizophrenia, etc, might develop adhd, learning disorders, cancer…would you send the child back then? What’s the statue of limiations on that?

On the Russian side, many orphanages over there are wretched. One did not have enough toys for the kids to play with so they strung the toys up from the ceiling for the kids to look at, but the kids could not interact with them.  I know this because I am a therapist who works with kids with autism, and we get many referrals from families who have adopted kids from Russia. Many of these children have, at the very least, attachment disorders that can make them violent, aggressive, moody, and unpredictable. Some have autism, or post traumatic stress from the abuse and/or neglect that they have experienced. I’m pretty sure that someone adopting from another country where the standard of care is not as high as our own should be knowledgable that this is a risk.

Finally, I can’t imagine anything worse for a child than being given up by his or her parents…living in an orphanage in potentially wretched conditions…finally being adopted…and then being given up again. That breaks my heart.

Post # 13
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Seriously??? How is this NOT evil?!? That poor child was taken away from his horrible mother only to be put in a horrible facility and then was finally rescued by an adoptive mother. Then he is sent back to russia like a piece of unwanted property. If he had problems before they’re only going to get worse.

How would you feel if you were 7 years old and you finally had someone to love you and they sent you away with a note b/c they didn’t want you anymore??? He is NOT a baby. He is 7 years old and he knows what’s going on. She could’ve been a decent human being and gotten him the help he needed, but she gave up because she was obviously lazy and selfish. She had no regard for how her decisions would affect that poor boy. If she didn’t have the money to provide for his needs there are many other options. You can get SS for children with disabilities.

Sorry if this was not a very nice post, but this subject seriously upsets me.

Post # 14
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I do feel sorry for the challenges this American family must have been facing. But at the end of the day, the mom is the adult, and she made the commitment.

What I actually found most amazing is that apparently people are adopting children without meeting them. That strikes me as a terrible idea. Personally, I’m very interested in domestic adoption, and I know that at least here in California, you must foster the child first, and you are monitored like crazy in the run-up. Adoption is a great thing, but it seems many people go overseas just to avoid the difficulty of the domestic system, when a little difficulty in adopting a child that will inevitably have special needs (at least emotional and attachment issues) is a good idea.

Post # 15
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

“But you are not putting the child at futher risk by sending him/her back…”

 

I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement. A child who has had a very difficult life, including being abandoned once already can ABSOLUTELY be affected and have more emotional and psychological damage done by going through this experience. I think that this is a terrible situation no matter what angle you look at it from.

There are most likely a number of factors playing into the situation, but it does not condone her behavior.

Post # 16
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

“By age 4, he was officially diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder — a condition in which children find it difficult, if not impossible, to love and trust anyone. He hurt his siblings physically whenever he got the chance, the parents said. He would threaten his mother and father, promising to “cut you up in little pieces,” said the father.

 

This is from the 2nd article posted, where the parents kept the child and tried to give them all the help he needed. 

It’s easy to judge, but not many people can handle living with a child that is threatening to kill you and hurting family members repeatedly. I am not saying sending them back alone is right…but in these situations there is no wrong or right. It is way too complex for easy answers like that. 

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