The same issue keeps returning

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

bride21:  Are you relying on him always making the first move?

Post # 3
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bride21:  Would he be willing to try coumsellng with you? or on his own? Sometimes when there is a problem in a relationship, counsellors do suggest separate sessions so people may be more willing to tell them what’s gong on, them they bring the cpouple back together for joint sessions.

If he won’t go with you, I suggest you make an appointment with a marriage counsellor yourself. They may be helpful for you to sort out your feelings and where to go from here.

Post # 4
Member
7070 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I generally don’t care if guys watch porn, but if it’s affecting your sex life together it is a problem. I would ask that he remove the apps and such and perhaps see a counselor together to work on your issues.

Post # 7
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bride21:  Then I would head to counselling yourself. Do you really want to live this way the rest of your married life?

Post # 8
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

He’s addicted to pornography. That’s a real problem in our society but he has to admit and acknowledge it. There’s help for this but until he receives it, things won’t be looking up. Not to discourage you, just telling you that he has a major problem and it has nothing to do with your attractiveness.

Post # 9
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like there is a huge disconnect in your relationship, and it’s showing up as the lack of sex and intimacy in your marriage.

I’m not sure if I understand your OP completely, but from what I read it sounds like you and your DH got married at a very young age due to an unplanned pregnancy.  And before you decided to get married, your DH was going back and forth in your relationship and didn’t know what he wanted.  Those are really big issues, and from the OP it does not sound like you and your DH fully addressed them and healed the disconnect and lack of trust that’s been brewing in your marriage.

If I were you, I would completely STOP trying to get your DH to have sex with you (at least temporarily).  Before you can get the intimacy and sexual passion back into your marriage, you MUST address and heal the issues in your relationship first so that you can cultivate the connection and trust between the two of you.  The more you push and pull on him to be physically intimate with you when he does not want to, it will only push him away further from you and your “neediness” for sex will drive a bigger wedge in your relationship.

If your DH does not want to go to counseling (most men do not want to do this), then it will still help your marriage even if you went by yourself.  There is a saying in the therapy world that if one partner in the relationship heals and changes, than it is more likely that the other resistant partner will slowly and eventually change themselves.  (And if they do not change, then it is more information for the other partner to then decide if the relationship is worth staying in)

Whatever the case, you need to be strong here.  I know it is very painful to be in a relationship where your DH chooses porn over having sex with you.  But you can heal this and possibly turn your man around.  But it must begin with your own healing first.  I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist for your own individual therapy, and then to find something that you are passionate in that has nothing to do with your relationship so that you can maintain your own mental and emotional health during this painful time.

Post # 10
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

There is more going on here than just the porn issue. OP, suggest you have a serious conversation with him about what’s going on.  Also, get yourself to counselling as soon as possible.  If he is motivated to be in a relationship with you, he will go.  But he needs to undestand how his actions are affecting you.  And he won’t know until you tell him.  Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bride21:  Too bad for him. I would telll him that we need counselling and give him the opportunity to go with you. If he declines, make an appointment for yourself, then tell him that he will be minding the children.

Do you have an Employee Assistance program where you work? Often, counselling is included as a benefit.

Post # 13
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

bride21:  You will have to have a serious discussion with him about it and how it affects you. It will ultimately affect your children as well, though I believe it’s already been affecting them indirectly. A loveless marriage doesn’t provide security for kids. A child will notice an unhappy mom. His masturbating doesn’t improve your intimacy together either, it destroys it. 

There are tons of resources online about the struggle of pornography addiction. I believe you will take comfort and resonate with many in your situation if you google this. You will both definitely need counseling. I think if you can voice the issue and have sound reasons as to why this is a big problem, he will take notice. It sounds like he cares very much about his children, so discussing long term effects on the family may help too. When talking to him, emphasize that you care about his and the kids well-being so that he doesn’t automatically go into defense mode. I don’t know your husband so I’m not saying that he’s going to change after one discussion. Addiction is a struggle, and is overcome in steps. But you have to do what you can that’s in your power and lay it out. 

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