The Silent In-Laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Does this bother your FI? If it doesn’t bother him, don’t let it bother you. He knows them better than you.

also, if your information on your personal page is correct, your wedding is more than a year away. From the perspective of parents of the groom, there’s not much to be excited about yet.

I don’t think there’s much to worry about. I think they’re just trying to be “good in-laws” and not interfere.

Post # 4
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

waddle:  I think that money might not be their issue here, It sounds more like while they like you and all, they dont support you getting married! Has your fiance talked privatly about this with them??? Has he told them how he sees the situation with them when the wedding comes up in topic? Has he told them how he feels? Or how you feel? Has he explained you dont want or need help with money for the wedding? If not I would have him do those things and if it is they dont support it, Well just dont include them with anything other then showing up on Wedding day to support their child, that way its not a miserable experiance for you the whole time!

Post # 5
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

waddle:  I just went through this.  We were visiting overseas to see FI’s family.  No one seemed particulary interested in the details of the wedding.  I know they approve of the wedding, that is definitely not the issue.  Nor is money, they know we’re paying for everything ourselves. 

It turns out that my FMIL is just very easy going.  This will be her 5th child’s wedding.  There’s no need for her to be running around, etc.  She trusts that we have everything well in hand and it’s hard to do any planning when the wedding is on a different continent.  Truthfully, we haven’t asked for a lot of help either.  So we’re just as much a part of this as everyone else.  They are excited to come here next year and they are excited that we’re getting married and I had to realize that not needing to know/ask all the details doesn’t negate that excitement. 

Post # 6
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You mentioned they know you don’t need help financially, but they change the subject because they are worried you may ask them for help.  Which is it? 

Unless his parents ask you how wedding planning is going I wouldn’t bring it up. If they ask what have you been up to over the weekend and it just so happens it was a wedding related thing share it, otherwise weddding talk usually sounds like either alot of drama/ complaining or self-undulgent boasting. 

Post # 7
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I say you read through all the FMIL / FFIL HORROR threads on here and rejoice! And happily plan along and they can just show up. Cant force anyone to have the warm wedding fuzzies ya know. Maybe your FI could talk to them privately about it if it really bugs you that much… but I would just let sleeping dogs lie!

waddle:  

Post # 8
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

Maybe they feel a little left out or totally apart from things being that there’s a big distance between both you and them? Is it possible they just wish they lived closer to their son to see things firsthand? I would bring it up to your FI first and see if he has any concerns. I actually have the opposite situation- my in laws are pushy and in all my wedding business but my own parents won’t support it at all, because it’s a 2nd wedding. FI may be able to read them better than you, especially if you get along with them well.

Post # 9
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Some people aren’t the wedding types, and this just may be the case, especially for the groom’s parents. I would think as long as when you start talking wedding they don’t cut you off disrespectfully, I wouldn’t see an issue with it. There is a difference between wanting them involved and them listening. If they are listening to you when you talk wedding, that should be ok. They just don’t seem like they want to be involved in decision making.

Post # 10
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow, I feel like you are describing my future in-laws to a T!!! I have been struggling with the behavior of my FI’s family from the moment we got engaged. I have always known we come from very different families, but the way his family is acting compared to how my family joyfully discusses and looks forward to the wedding is like night and day. While you can’t get my parents to shut up about it, you can’t even get FI’s parents to utter the word wedding.

I highly suspect this is due to a couple of things:

1) They do not want us to ask for their help, financially or otherwise. While traditionally the groom’s parents only cover rehearsal and a few other items, FI’s parents have made it clear that if they have to cover the rehearsal it is going to be a backyard bbq with hot dogs and paper plates. I understand they are not exactly in a position to help us, but it still stings when they so bluntly tell FI they will not be helping, especially because my parents let FI move in with us two years ago and have pretty much taken him under their wing, treat him like a son, and help him with whatever he needs. He now goes to my parents for problems, not his parents, which I know is a point of contention with his mother. 

2) His mother does not understand what it takes to plan a wedding…which is odd because she’s been married three times. She thinks that I should have rented my wedding dress or found the cheapest white dress I could and that spending “more than $250 for a dress is ridiculous.” Additionally, she just thinks spending money on things like a photographer, DJ, photo booth, etc., is a waste of money. Her weddings were all small fares, the last being a backyard bbq with a keg, a white pleather suit she made herself, and hotdogs and hamburgers. 

The day after we got engaged we went over to see his family, presumably to celebrate and it was just kind of sad. His mother said she would be making breakfast, but when we got there, she hadn’t made anything. His brother (who is basically my FI’s best friend) and SIL texted him while we were on our way to say that they “didn’t feel like” coming over to celebrate. When I arrived, his mother didn’t even mention the engagement at all. FI and I sat on the couch while his mother and step father talked about innane things for nearly an hour before FI finally asked his mother and sister if they wanted to see the ring. Only then did his mom acknowledge it, and it was only to look at it for three seconds and say, “Pretty,” before abruptly changing the subject again.

On Mother’s Day we went out and I tried to talk about the wedding one last time. I hadn’t seen or spoken to his mother since our engagement (she’s very flighty and hard to nail down for a conversation) and after she brought up the wedding, I excitedly told her about our plans. During this time, she changed the subject twice, interupted me at least four times, and then, finally, in the middle of a sentence, she left the room. After that I vowed never to talk to her about the wedding again.

So, OP, after my novel above, I just want to say I truly feel your pain. It’s very, very frustrating and while I would love to tell you I’ve mastered ways of coping, I haven’t. I still let it get to me sometimes and it’s very disappointing. 

Post # 11
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m confused about what the problem is. Your FI shouldn’t have to be consoling you because his parents who are halfway around the world don’t ask you about the wedding. If all is well, let it go. If your FI has a problem with it on his own, help support him. But what do you care if your future in laws are wedding chatty or not? what kind of support do you need? Are you wishing you lived closer to your friends or family so you could talk to them more about it? Don’t push things onto his parents unnecessarily. 

Post # 12
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

If they are purposely changing the subject when mention of the wedding is coming up, then I too would wonder if there was a problem.

What I would do…you say you skype right?  Have him sit infront of the computer and you behind it (not seen).  Have him ask his parents if there is a problem….they will probably speak more comfortably if you are not “there.”  Have him say that it seems they avoid talking about the wedding at all and he was just wondering if there was a problem.

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
36 posts
Newbee

Let it go. This is insane. And don’t force your fiancé to talk to them whlie you hide. Your moms problems don’t mean you need your in laws to wedding talk with you. Grow up. 

Post # 15
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

waddle:  can you get support for the wedding from your gfs? And by support do you mean someone to talk through wedding decisions with, someone to help do favors for you to plan from a distance, money? it’s just not clear what you want and why it should come from his parents. I just never wanted to do any of those things with my specific future in-laws because they aren’t that kind of ppl.  It’s worked much better talking to bridesmaids and other gfs (mostly the ones who are already married and planned weddings within the last few years). I just am not sure why you wanting to talk about the wedding has anything to do with your FI’s parents. Do you want them to do things for you in your hometown or wherever the wedding is? no other friends of yours can do these things? Maybe you can get a planner if you want to talk about it more and need help but your own fam and gfs can’t help out. And your FI’s okay with his parents’ level of discussion?

i was MOH for someone who lived abroad during wedding planning. It seems like a hard time because you miss your friends and family and a lot of the typical engaged and planning feeling and activities since you’re so far from most loved ones. Are you going through this and thinking talking to his parents about the wedding will solve it?

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