Post # 1
My husband & I have been married for 4 months now. I like to think we are incredibly happy. We have had our share of occasional disagreements and growing pains related to merging into life as a married couple. All in all it hasn’t been terrible at all. I love him dearly and am very much in love with him. We have a great relationship and enjoy spending time talking & laughing together. We are just shy of our 2 year anniversary as a couple and we lived with each other for a year before getting married.
Before we got married, I had married friends warn me of the “terrible” 1st year of marriage and how hard it is. This did make me wonder what would change, how our love would change and if it would be for the worse rather than the better. I remember coming home one night and telling my husband (fiancé at the time), that I didn’t think that was going to happen with us, although I was a little scared of things suddenly changing for the worst. We laughed it off and agreed that not much would change- and that most of those friends who warned me had not lived with their partner prior to marriage.
Just the other day we had a silly argument. We were grilling food for our typical weekly dinner with our family and neighbors. I asked my husband to come join me outside to grill and hang out with me while I cooked some vegetables. My husband joked in front of our family that he didn’t want to spend time with me and that we didn’t have anything really to talk about. I know he was “joking” per say, but it hurt my feelings. 5 mins later we were arguing about my technique cooking vegetables. I finally had to leave to the bedroom, he came in and we were able to get to the bottom of the disagreement- that we were arguing over something silly when really my feelings were hurt by the comment he made. We made up as we always do. My husband & I are both passionate, and can be quick to get heated but we also quick to apologize and make up.
After we made up, my husband remarked that maybe my friends were indeed right about the “terrible” 1st year of marriage. He didn’t say it in a mean way just as a commentary. He then went on to say that after being with each other for years, there are still things he is not used to. One of them being that I am sensitive and take what he says too personally at times. I didn’t really say anything back but now I am wondering if he is unhappy in our relationship/marriage.
A day after this argument, after some time had passed- I asked him to clarify what he meant about the terrible 1st year of marriage and asked him if he was unhappy in our marriage. He said he wasn’t but that things had changed and he didn’t realize they would change. He sounded disillusioned and I couldn’t help but think that he is indeed not as happy as I am. I’m starting to wonder if my happiness with the marriage is one sided and if I am doing something wrong or need to be doing something different. It breaks my heart to think he could be unhappy in our relationship.
What do you guys think? Any advice? Am I just overly paranoid and incredibly sensitive? What does everyone think about the dreaded “1st year of marriage”? What have been some issues that have come up in your marriage/or friends marriages in the first year?
Post # 3
@TheNewMrs13: I think you are being paranoid. Clearly the fact that you can work through emotional outbursts is a hgue plus. Every relationship changes you just have to change with it. From what I have read it sounds like you are doing just fine. Having a small tift here and there is nothing to be concerend about. Disagreements or misunderstandings are going to happen and clearly they were extinguished almost as fast as they came about. I wouldn’t worry too much.
Post # 4
@TheNewMrs13: Hun, you have a great marriage. He’s not unhappy. Like most rational people working with emotional people, he’s learning to communicate with you without hurting your feelings and that just takes time to gel. I’m the same way, I get hurt by little things that my DH says, and it took a while for us to know how to communicate with each other. We also had to learn to live with each other, work on finances (he spends less than I do), and also deal with crazy drama on my parents’ side, so all of that took time, a lot of fighting, but also, hugging it out.
Things change in marriage, OF COURSE! It’s not all sunshine and roses, but as long as you have a strong core, don’t worry yourself over this!
Post # 5
I think a lot of the typical first year of marraige complaints are really first year of sharing everything. Some people wait for marraige, others do it earlier but that first year living together is a lot different and introduces stress into a relationship. You can’t hide your flaws when you are always together.
Post # 6
a little bit of old people advice here – and its important.
Make sure that the people who you spend time with are couples that are happy in their own marriage. That dont insult each other or argue in front of others all the time, even jokingly. a few jokes per YEAR are okay, but if its constant, it will reflect back on you two, making you think, “is this it?all there is?”
Its quite easy to slip into that “old ball and chain” routine when you spend time with people who do that…
Post # 7
Becoming one is not an easy plight… you come from two background etc. etc. Yes you lived together, but it is a difference once you have said I do.
I think we always have to realize that love is not a feeling, its an action, people urk us and our feelings can be flaky, so we have to choose to love our spouses even when we don’t feel like it. I think you guys will be fine, you have the ability to communicate. I also think someitmes we have to learn not to sweat the small stuff and to pick and choose are battles, because at the end of 24 hours we call all do things that are an annoyance to our spouses…
Post # 8
@montanamum: i think this is so true and really good advice.
Post # 9
I noticed that you said the two of you have not quite been together for two years yet. These little quirks and arguments could simply stem from the honeymoon phase of your relationship ending. The time is about right. There’s nothing major to be worried about.
Post # 10
@TheNewMrs13: hey date twin! i never heard of the terrible first year of marriage and i cannot commisserate with you. i am loving marriage.
we dated for about a year a half before DH moved in with me. then we got engaged and married 7 months later.
i have to say since we have been married, it has only gotten better.
sometimes i do think that DH will get bored if it is just him and i spending time together all the time. there have been weekends here and there where it is only each other that we see and we both love every minute of it. i’ve asked him.
we have never a had a fight yet, in all the time that we have known each other. don’t get me wrong, we have certainly had disagreements. but we’ve talked about them.
i would never betlittle DH in front of his friends or my friends. but if he did something to hurt my feelings. i would tell him. i don’t hold anything back and neither does he. if something is bothering me, i tell him.
so if you can take what i said as advice, please do. i hope you are able to work things out and have a happy 9 more months of your first year and a lifetime of happiness to follow.
Post # 11
@montanamum: +++++++1 I think this is super important to remember in ANY aspect of your life. You can easily get sucked into the negativity of others, and it’s no good for you at all.
Our two year anniversary is next month, and really, things have changed, but not in a bad way. You just grow closer to that person, which means, sometimes, you see the flaws that you might have glossed over before. We’ve known each other for ten years–we were together six before we were married (lived together for three years)–and I think being married let us see each other in different lights.
Your marriage seems to be similiar to ours, and really, I think we have a fantastic marriage. Don’t sweat the small stuff, love, or you’ll end up turning that small stuff into very, very big stuff!
Post # 12
@TheNewMrs13: I made a thread asking about the first year and pretty much everyone that said it was bad also mentioned that there were OUTSIDE factors that made it hard. It wasn’t the marriage that was hard, it was the curveballs life chucked at them!
You are fine! 🙂
Post # 13
Life is always going to have ups and downs. Your relationship is still quite new, so maybe the honeymoon phase is over and you’re settling into the reality of relationships. Give it time 🙂
Post # 14
@TheNewMrs13: I don’t think it has to be terrible… We had more arguements in our first year of marriage than in our entire relationship up to that point. We always talk ours out within an hour and that includes the time we give each other to cool off… We had a lot of changes in that first year, I packed up and moved across country to where his family lives for a job so I hardly got to see my family, I started a new stressful job, he was initially unemployed due to being retrenched so there was some debt from that and then he started a really stressful job… Regardless of it being our first year of marriage, the arguements would have happened anyway because most were related to our stress levels… It made us stronger though.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
I dont know about the first year but i do know what its like to have a man that doesnt like asking for things, criticising things or complaining but every month or two we try and sit down and chat about what we are really happy with, what we would like to change, sugestions etc.. so that things dnt get bottles up and arnt allowed to fester!
I think this is the problem with alot of relation ships. You think one thing and they think another. Its not untill u start yelling at each other that you realise something is wrong and instead of being a water balloon problem its turned into a hot air balloon out of control!
Communication! 6yrs and not one fight.. fot everything is perfect but no need to yell over it?!
Post # 15
Sounds like you have a great marriage, it really is just ups and downs and learning to navigate it all I think. I never planned on living with my significant other before being married…but then one day i met the man that changed all of that. Part of it was probably age, in your 30s I think it’s different than when your’re in your 20s…but anyway that first year of living together which we are coming to an end of now:) WAS TOUGHHHHH in the beginning! The first say, 4 months were literally exhausting..and then we hit our stride and now it’s hard to imagine things any other way. Nowdays, I notice we get in more disagreements/arguments when one or both of us is stressed out. We are in the process of closing on a house and we have definitely had some strianed moments through all of that…but you just makeup and learn to work throught it. So I would imagine your first year of marriage, knowing that everything carries more weight, bills and finances mean more etc, is trying as well. But you both sound so in love and like very level headed, caring people and I think you are A okay:) Just keep communicating, doing what your doing and never forget to appreciate what you have found in the other person.