the topic of race rears its ugly head…

posted 3 years ago in Intercultural
Post # 3
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well my husband is black and I’m white and our immediate family was fine with this, but my grandparents and some cousins on my dad’s side were NOT. So honestly we just didn’t invite them and my grandparents soon figured out if they ever wanted to talk to me again they would get with the times.

Post # 5
6948 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow. So sorry you’re dealing with that. Your family knows its 2013 right?? I’m Mexican American and between me, my sister & my cousins our partners are Mexican, Filipino, Japanese,  Jordanian, Black, White and Korean. I have not heard any relative day anything negative about any of our partners based on race. 

Post # 7
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He’s definatley had his fair share of racism in his life, but generally not when I’m around. I don’t put up with that crap regardless of who’s the target, so if anyone wants to start it I give them a piece of mind.
I am Italian/Irish and FI is Chinese/Puerto Rican.

When we started wedding planning I was concerned about race popping up as a factor. I think the main thing that works in our favor is how professional FI is (dresses snappy, acts in a calm and professional manner, keeps himself tidy).
My family loves him anyway, but what really sealed the deal is that he asked everyone (mom first, then sister, uncle, father) for permission. I am convinced my mother wants to adopt him now.

Anyway… your post sounds a little ambiguous. You mentioned it’s looking like they have a problem with it now, but nothing really specific.

Getting married is a big, scary deal!
And sometimes it makes people who are close to you nervous. Maybe it seems that they are concerned about race, but if it was OK before and suddenly isn’t now, I’d consider that it might be a different concern all together.

And like you said – as long as you don’t care about the mixed race [non]issue, then it shouldn’t really matter.
I mean… this is your marriage, no one else’s! 🙂

Post # 8
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@esprit:  I haven’t had to deal with race issues myself BUT it was always a possibility. I live in the south, and my parents as well as my extended family would all have a problem with me dating outside my race. It is ridiculous. I remember having many conversations with my own mother in high school about how much she would dislike it if I dating so-and-so because “his culture is different”…. what she really meant was “his skin is different” because all the guys in question grew up in the rural middle class just like me! 


I flat out told her that if I liked someone who was black, asian, hispanic, russian, or “other”, that her racist “fears” would not stop me, and that I hoped I would soon prove her wrong. 


I think that the she and the rest of my family would have been uneasy at first, but would have come around and felt stupid for their prejudices in the end. Of COURSE I would only marry someone who was AMAZING, so they would have no choice but to admit they were wrong.


If your extended family has the same prejudice, look at it this way: YOU are the one who is going to break down their racist ideas and show they just how wrong they are. You will start the process of getting your family to accept “outsiders” and it is a good thing. Yeah, the initial embarrassment will be difficult, if they are cold or rude to him, but hopefully his warm, friendly personality will soon win them over and everyone will deny that they were every “uncertain” about him based on race.

Post # 9
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I have dealt with some. My FI is English, and I am Indian. Some Indians are very ‘purist’, in the sense they think if you marry out of your religion/caste/race you are a traitor and a slut. 

Whenever we go to a predominantly Indian area, people will physically turn around and stare at us. Men and women. Maybe they think I am ‘shameful’ for dating someone who is white, I don’t know. White people don’t stare, though he said some people do stare. Not as much as Indian people though. 


I received some death threats/threats of violence etc regarding my relationship from random guys on Facebook. They told me he would beat me/cheat on me etc just because he was white.
I had a group of people tell me I am a race traitor, that I must hate myself because I’m with someone who’s not my race, and I’ve had people call him a ‘white pig’ and ‘how can you date someone whose race enslaved the Indians’ (referring to the british occupation in India). 


I ignore them. I have no time for that shit. It bothers me because I don’t like people talking ill of my fiance. But let them talk all they want about me, I would rather they did than about my fi. 


My parents adore him to bits. His parents adore me to bits. I love him, and he loves me. That’s all that matters. 


Post # 10
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@esprit:  I have dated Asians before. I’ve dated the rainbow in fact. I have felt the stares before from strangers but not my family. I know that just from strangers however, it can be unnerving and led me to second guess my relationships at times. However, those relationships didn’t work for me because we weren’t good matches. It was not because I felt pressure to leave the relationships.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Opinions are like a$$holes you know so you should definitely do what makes you happy and “pray” for your ignorant family and/or friends.

Post # 11
1085 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

There’s no way you will escape the fact that it will bother some people. You can’t change the way they feel. I have noticed a pattern over the years with my relatives. There may be some criticism of someone’s fiance, for any number of reasons. Over time, once the couple is married, the gossip dies down, and the spouse is accepted.

Post # 12
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. My husband is Vietnamese and I am Caucasian. My family adores him–I don’t think they even blinked at him being Asian. His family is wonderful as well, although sometimes I feel insecure and wonder if his mother wanted him to be with a Vietnamese girl. Regardless, your love for him and his for you is all that should matter. I really think that once your family sees how happy he makes you, they will come around as that is all that matters! Congrats on your upcoming wedding and take comfort in the fact that you made an awesome choice for a husband! 🙂

Post # 13
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Just wondering… is the problem definitely because he’s Asian? Because without knowing the specifics, I think it’s just as likely that they have a problem with the English/Canadian cultural differences more than anything else…

For example, I think my family would find it easier to accept if I married a middle-class, black Kenyan lawyer than a working-class, white Texan lumberjack, because of cultural differences.

Post # 14
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

So sorry to hear that you’ve come across some unsupportive family members but so glad you posted this. I’m recently engaged, and as we plan the guest list, we’ve decided to not include those that we know are not supportive of interracial relationships. That includes my best friend’s father who I’ve known my whole life, and my fiance’s brother-in-law! We decided it isn’t right to feel obligated to invite people who we know don’t support our relationship.


I think your family will most certainly come around! My fiance is a much better person than me– he goes out of his way to be kind to people who are racist, because he says that is the only way they’ll ever change their mind! 🙂

Post # 15
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@esprit:  My parents were not at all surprised when I brought home a yellow dude.

His parents were less than thrilled that he fell for a white chick.  “Well, mom, you know I don’t like Asian chicks – they have no ass!”

But seriously – they got to know me and we’re cool.  Also they got to know his SIL’s (Asian) family and saw that it could be worse.  🙂  What it came down to was they were afraid that we couldn’t understand each other since our background was so different.  Which in some ways it was and in a lot of ways it wasn’t.  Yeah there are some thing we don’t understand about each other – but we figure it out.  Once they saw how much we cared about each other, they figured we’d be alright.

Also – ew, Kimchee.  Give me a Bee Bim Bap on a cold day, but keep your dried fish and fermented anything other than fruit juice.  Korea is a great place to visit though, just watch out for that crazy N. Korean.

Post # 16
5248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@esprit:  I’m white and catholic and my husband is brown and muslim. Lets just say people in my family had there fair share of comments. I could care less what they thought and to top if off we had our wedding ceremony in a mosque and had nothing in the catholic religion which I know pissed a few family members off. My mother has said to me numerous times that she hopes I dont “convert” but frankly it is none of her business if I was going to. Other then that they all love my husband but sometimes they dont respect that he is muslim and they make stuff like pork when he is there which makes me quite angry. I know the world will always have recists and people who dont like interacial relationships but it does hurt more when the people making the judgements are members of your family.

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