(Closed) The Tornado known as my FMIL

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: How to handle future mother in law's nutty moments that are affecting future hubby?
    Ignore all together. : (4 votes)
    13 %
    Write her snail mail or email explaining her effects. : (10 votes)
    32 %
    Write her a snarky email. : (0 votes)
    Convince future hubs to ignore her until she simmers down. : (17 votes)
    55 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5978 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Maybe you and your FI can have a sit down with her and let her know the negative effects she’s having on FI and the issues he’s having because of her? I hope your FI is talking to someone to help him with his depression and his PTSD. It might even be good for your FMIL to get some help to help her deal with the stress she’s having and doesn’t seem to handle well. I think having a sit down with her will help to clear the air and get some things out in the open.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think that you should just encourage your FH to distance himself from FMIL Crazy.  She’s not helping his health, and he knows it.  Simply stepping back for a while and letting her cope on her own would be the best.  Usually you let FH deal with his family and you deal with yours, and I think that you speaking directly with her about her son may be taken the wrong way.  Even if he’s present for the discussion, it’s still telling a woman how to treat her child, and that just NEVER works out well…

    Post # 5
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

    I don’t think ignoring it is quite the route, and it may be more difficult to say something than to write a letter/email, I think it’s necessary for your fi to have an in-person (or over the phone) conversation with his mother.  He needs to stand up for you and himself!  

    We have issues with my FILs, and I’ve pretty much stayed out of it to let fi handle it.  We do talk about points we want to make to them together though and write out short little scripts to make it easier to spit it all out.

    Good luck, and I’m sorry you have to go through this!

    Post # 6
    Member
    4001 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’m torn between the second and last options.  I think a combination of the two would be the best.  If your hubby is aware of the adverse effects she’s having on his mental health, then he should be ok with distancing himself from her for awhile.  And she may not be aware of how detrimental her ‘crazy moments’ are to her sons wellbeing.  So she should be made aware.  However, chances are, she’s going to think you’re the bad guy.  But its your hubby you have to worry about. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Yikes, I hate FMIL drama, and i know ALLLL about it.  Dont get me wrong, i love my FI’s mom as if she were my own, and she already thinks of me as her daughter…but sometimes its like someone traded personalities with her and the loving, helping, understanding MIL that was here yesterday has vanished.  Like for example:  we are having the recpetion and FI’s parents house.  I was talking about centerpieces and my ideas.  I mentioned something about candles and INSTANTLY she flipped.  I couldnt hear anything else for the next 2 hours other than ” oh candles are so impractical, people will be toasting and reaching over the table and next thing you know they are on fire!! napkins will blow and thats it, everything is up in flames!!!!” FI and I were like ..uhh ok?? no candles then. Simple. I mean, its not like they are the long stick candles..they are small ones that sit inside a bowl of jelly…whatever.  So the next day shes STILL on about the candles, even after i said its no big deal.  And so FI had enough and was like, “whoa chill out, just let us decorate how we want to! we’ve said we arent doing candles so get over it!” anyways, she starts freaking out, ” Why do you need all this stuff?? do you think people care about what was on the table, what glass they drank out of, whether or not the table cloth was plastic or linen?!” ….anyways, long story short she freaks out and says to have the wedding elsewhere.  OVER NOTHING!!!!!   its like…ok i get what she means that no one will remember the small details, but its about the comfort NOW. It makes me happy to have proper table clothes rather than plastic cheap ones…is that so bad????

    anyways, I know this will blow over. Im just going to have to talk to her and calm her down because FI is not very good with that.  If shes anything like my MIL, the best advice i can give is just ignore it and ask your FI to ignore it too. Let her go off on her little tantrums, but at the end of the day you and your FI will still be together, and she will chill out.

    Post # 8
    Member
    928 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    As the fiancee of a soldier currently in Iraq, that would really push my buttons the way that she treats him, especially with all that he is dealing with emotionally and physically. Yes, it’s his mother but it would SO NOT fly with me and I would hate hate hate it, but I would have a long talk with her about how she is treating him, what it’s doing to him and what he is dealing with, and that she needs to stop. That is so unacceptable and you would think that she would be more understanding considering all that he is going through. You need to step up and be there for your man and unfortuantely, that entails having a chat with his mom. You don’t have to be mean or anything but something needs to be said. So wrong.

    I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this and please thank your FI for his service, I hope things get better for him.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Hmm.. my first thought is that usually when people (especially family members) freak out like this it’s for attention and trying to reason with them always backfires because they use that to start a fight. Usually, when people go ballistic on me, I give a calm, rational response and repeat it over and over in a calm voice until they calm down.

    For example, my Mom is bipolar and was having an episode during the winter months when the snow wouldn’t stop and she had 2 feet outside the house. The dog wouldn’t go to the bathroom outside b/c it was too cold and she couldn’t get anywhere in the snow. My Mom called me up screaming saying she was giving the dog away (a dog she loves like crazy BTW) and I had to say calmly over and over “Mom, I don’t think that’s really what you want to do. I think you’re just stressed about the bathroom situation and cooped up inside with a hyper dog” I had to repeat that literally about 10 times before she slowed her breathing down and came back to planet earth.

    When your FMIL freaks out, FI should be the one to have that conversation with her. He should wait at least 24 hours after receiving the comment or message then say to her in a calm voice: “Mom, what you said hurt me and FI adn I don’t think you mean it because X. I know you are much more reasonable than you are acting right now” Hopefully that will calm her down and get her to see the light. Also, pretending like you are really considering her point of view might help too.

    Post # 10
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I wanted to say hang-in there. You sound like a really amazing person and both you and your fiance are dealing with a lot. My parents often acted the way your FMIL is acting. My fiance did the right thing and stayed out of the mess, so my advice would be to encourage your fiance to deal with his mother. While I wouldn’t suggest this route, getting emotional worked for me. At one point during a typical night with drunk parents, I disinvited them from the wedding. For whatever reason, that got through to them. They realized how much there “off-hand” comments hurt and that I was serious about not having them there. I think chronology matters, too. My parents freaked most about the wedding between 4 and 8 months out, and then around 2 months they became a dream. Hopefully your FMIL will get better…

    If you’re brave, you could call or take your FMIL and let her know your concerns regarding your fiance and her comments. You sound like a calm person, so she may appreciate knowing how much you care about her son, but also that you care about her and want to help her handle her stress.

    Good luck.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    My FI also has PTSD from his time in Iraq and his mother is one of his triggers. Actually, when he left the PTSD clinic he had to sign a contract stating that he would never live with her. Ever! It’s not that she’s bad, she’s just kind of nuts.

    You’re a very strong woman and are handling things very well! What we do is distance ourselves when we can and immediately talk about the situation after every phone call. It helps to take the edge off 😉

    Post # 12
    Member
    3 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Whatever you decide to say, your FI should say it to his mom directly.  If she even remotely doesn’t approve of you, if she thinks you’re trying to get between her and her son, it’s not going to make her like you any more.  And that’s the last thing that either of you need.  Tough situation :/

    Post # 13
    Member
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, it’s such an awful situation to be in, and trust me, you sound like my twin. My fiancee is also dealing with PTSD as a result of his tour in Afghanistan and his mother is the most unsupportive person I’ve ever met and I often want to scream at her. Just last night she told him that she thought it was stupid he was seeing a psychologist,asked him “aren’t you embarrassed?” and that only “crazies” (her words) see them. He was so hurt so I stood up for him then and politely (it was hard trust me!), but firmly told her that seeing a psychologist doesnt mean someone is crazy, it means that they are being responsible and improving their situation and that she should support him in that decision. She looked a little shocked but it made her stop talking.

    I wouldn’t recommend sending her an email because then it becomes a you against her thing and it could get messy. But I would maybe try to sit down together and calmly explain to her why her behaviour is wrong and hurtful and set some ground rules for future conversations. She won’t be happy because she probably won’t like being told she’s wrong but if you discuss it all together then he won’t feel so stressed because he will have your support there too.

    I hope she calms down though, because neither of you need to be dealing with her crap right now and she needs to be a lot more sensitive to that!

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