Post # 1
Well, I thought we were going to aim for a lovely Canadian Rockies road trip/weddingmoon for August (summer is kind of short up there!), which would require that we book things like yesterday (elopement package, photographer, campsites, etc).
The original plan (after cancelling the July wedding with guests) was to wait until my father passes (I’m going to need to buy a lot of plane tickets home in the near future so we don’t want to sink any money into a trip now), I’ve mourned, then the dust has settled, and figure out where to have our weddingmoon.
We had some misinformation last month which made me believe he had longer to live, so I convinced FI to go for our Canada idea for August, we cannot wait forever! I got my hopes up!
Then the information was confirmed (he doesn’t have long) – AFTER I was already in touch with the photographer, elopement hotel, etc. I felt like a fool. I kept telling I’ll book soon! I’m waiting for my foreign credit card to book everything! Then I go an cancel it all. The photographer wrote, “So you’re not hiring me?” And then never replied. I feel bad about it. It was the information from last month that lead me to get the idea to move on though.
Now we’re back to waiting til he passes. It’s very hard to handle because I know that means my dad will be gone, I will have gone through a LOT of pain first, then who knows which season I’ll end up feeing “normal again” and the season will actually determind our weddingmoon locations. All of that combined is killing me!
FI says I like to be in control, and here are two major life events that I have no control over. It’s difficult to manage internally. I cannot seem to let the wedding planning go for one.
No, we cannot do a quicky wedding for my dad. There is no one that desires that option.
Post # 3
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of that stress right now!! I’m sure that having at least something to do with your wedding plans is helping to keep some of your anxiety about your father at bay…and not being able to do anything is only making it all a zillion times worse.
I don’t have a lot of advice, except to maybe plan something a little further out? Maybe if you specifically planned something for, say, Christmas-time, that would give you enough time for things to happen, and having something to do will keep you from going crazy? Or maybe plan for next summer, when you know you’ll have plenty of time? Grief can do funny things to you, I speak from experience on that one firsthand. I remember that when my husband passed away, the more I could ‘do’ made me feel better and stop freaking out…but I would also get overwhelmed by trying to do little things and had to take everything very slowly. If I had to plan a wedding in that time, it never would have happened…I know it’s a different situation but it might help you??
Post # 4
I didn’t know you lost your spouse. I am so sorry. How long ago was it? I guess your name now makes sense.
I think the other hard part is knowing when I’m “back to normal” you know? When will I be ready to fully enjoy my wedding day after such sadness? No one knows, not even me. Some say they were just so numb for a few months after loosing a parent but I’d had to wait a whole year to get married too.
Ths whole death thing is scarying me about my FI too. If he should die while we’re engaged, I fear not knowing what it’d be like to call him my husband. Irrational, but maybe I should get some pre-grief counseling.
I could do some pre research on different locations, just for distraction.
So hard to not worry about things you cannot control.
Post # 5
I lost him to cancer almost 3.5 years ago, he was sick for almost 4 years all together. Even after that I can’t imagine losing my father, I’m so so sorry for what’s happening with you. In my situation, no matter how much I didn’t want him to go…I knew it was inevitable and the longer he held on the worse he got. When it was over, while it was tragic and I was utterly heart broken and beyond sad, I was almost relieved when he died…I knew he wasn’t sick anymore and a huge weight of constant worry about what would happen when I left the room was lifted off of my shoulders.
What you’re feeling about your FI and worrying that he could die before you’re married is totally normal, but there is nothing wrong with going to therapy and talking about it if that’s something you’re open to. Also, please feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat not in a thread